You have gestational diabetes... JUST KIDDING!!!

Yes, that's right! No joke! The endocrinologist had my blood drawn at my last appointment to have some tests done and it appears that my blood glucose levels have been so good for the past four weeks because I DON'T HAVE GESTATIONAL DIABETES AFTER ALL!!! It's gone! Seriously! So instead of losing 3 lbs. I could have been gaining weight, but it was so much more fun to avoid carbs and fast for 2 hours at a time. Wooohooooo! Perhaps it would have been best for me to do the 3 hour glucose test BEFORE they sent me to the endocrinologist. Oh well, I have been feasting on carbs all day and if feels great. I no longer feel deprived. I'm full and healthy and it's so wonderful to eat again!!! Tomorrow morning I'm going to have french toast and sausage for breakfast with a huge glass of juice and a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream. SWEET!!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

My Very Tiny Baby

On Monday I went to the endocrinologist to discuss my gestational diabetes. She looked at my diet records that show what I'm eating and my blood sugar levels. She said that my levels look so good that I can stop fasting for two hours between meals! Woohooooo! More food! I can also test just two times a day if I feel like it. Even better! Because I had lost weight on the low carb diet that she put me on she asked if I had been hungry. I wasn't too hungry at first, but you can all see from my last post that in the past couple of weeks I had been. I was sneaking in an extra meal at the end of the day before bed because I was just so freaking hungry! So, I told her yes, that fasting for two hours was too much so I was really happy that I didn't have to anymore. She said that she didn't want the diet to make me lose weight so if I'm hungry to just eat. Thank you!!!

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my OB/GYN, Dr. Talks-to-Much. She was pleased that my blood sugar levels were so good. We discussed my birth plan and she felt that pretty much all of it was fine. She even told me that if my water hadn't broken or hadn't been broken for too long and the waters were clear then I could stay at home until my contractions were 3 minutes apart since Howie and I live so close to the hospital. YAY!!! I was quite excited about that but the idea of waiting until they're 3 minutes apart makes Howie a bit nervous. We'll see how it goes. Before the appointment was over Dr. Talks-to-Much decided that we should move my ultrasound up so that we could see if Aislinn was growing too large because of my gestational diabetes. Luckily they had an opening for 1 pm on Thursday (yesterday). I took it and called Howie to let him know about the change so that he could talk to his boss.

Howie got the day off. We were quite excited about seeing the baby again and figured that since Aislinn measured just a little bit small last time that she probably wouldn't have grown too big from the gestational diabetes. The ultrasound tech did all the measurements and said that Aislinn was measuring small, quite small. I figured, ok, that's fine. That's so much better than a huge baby and I was glad that the gestational diabetes didn't hurt her. I told her that Howie was 6 lbs. 10 oz. and I was 7 lbs. 3 oz. at birth. Then she told us that Aislinn's legs and arms were measuring at about 30 weeks and her head and body were measuring at about 34 weeks. Huh? Tiny limbs? What the hell does that mean? She asked how tall Howie and I were a few times and she said that sometimes the baby gets different pieces of each parents so that it may not be a problem. Images of tiny chicken wing arms were whirling around my head and I'm just thinking of how I had huge Hobbit feet when I was little so I wonder if she'll have huge feet attached to her tiny legs. What else can I pass along? My buck teeth? My freckles? Maybe she'll have two different colored eyes like my father! Sure, I think that my father's two different colored eyes are super cool but he is very sensitive about people noticing them. Anyway, then the ultrasound tech told us that she weighs about 4 lbs. 9 oz. right now. She checked the computer and that puts Aislinn in the 15th percentile. She seemed a bit concerned but wasn't saying much because she can't, she's not the doctor. We left the office a bit concerned but I wasn't freaking out too much. I started to wonder if other things were slowly developing too, like her brain? It was lunch time and I decided, maybe a carb fest would help her grow. Maybe a trip to McDonalds? Maybe this low carb diet that made me lose weight wasn't helping her? On the way home we called our parents to tell them about the ultrasound. Howie's cell phone was pretty loud and I could hear his mother say that maybe the baby is small because I'm starving myself and now I can stop doing that. My mouth dropped open. What the fuck?! By the damn way, on Sunday we were at his parent's house for Chanukkah and except for a few veggies and a block of cheese there wasn't a thing there that wasn't LOADED with carbs. I had some veggies, water, and one potato pancake during the 5 hours we were there. Once people left they took out the brisket and let me eat. They did say sorry that their friends stayed so long and they had intended on feeding me earlier. So, who is she to say that I STARVE myself? I HAD NOTHING TO EAT!!! Anyway, it really hit me. I had been losing weight, yeah, I may eat 2 steaks at dinner, I may have been sneaking in an extra meal at the end of the day, but I couldn't gain weight. I lost 3 lbs. This could be because of my weight. It could be because I'm still not up to my pre-pregnancy weight. What if it's not just her legs and arms? What if her brain isn't developed enough? What is she has a learning disability because I lost weight even though I wasn't even trying to. I was eating as much as I could, but I was eating the way the doctor told me to eat. I thought I was doing the right thing for her, I thought that because I was eating healthfully that she would be a healthy baby. She hasn't been born yet but I'm already a horrible mother! By the time Howie had hung up with his mother I was in tears. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong, that she didn't know what she was talking about and just forget what she said. How can I forget that? It's my worst fear, any mother's worst fear, did I do something to harm my child? If she isn't right it's MY fault. We tried for two years to have a baby and I might have totally fucked her up? All I had to do was keep the baby alive inside of me, make her healthy, and I couldn't. I couldn't get pregnant and I couldn't grow a baby properly. Howie ended up talking to his mother and father about the comment and then it turned into an entire drama. Basically she said she never would imply that it was my fault. I didn't know that it had to be implied, she said it right out, but ok. His parents are upset because we should know that they would never think that we've done something to harm our child, that they love us and all of this stuff. Whatever, I know they love us, I know they love Aislinn, I just wanted an apology. I wanted her to say sorry for making an incredibly insensitive comment and that she will think before she speaks next time. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but what if someone said something like that to her? She'd be extremely hurt. Anyway, it's not about that anymore. Her pity party continues but I'm more concerned with Aislinn's health at the moment. A little after Howie and I got home after the ultrasound we got a call from the doctor's office. They scheduled an ultrasound for me at the hospital on the 27th because they are concerned about the baby being so small. I also have another appointment next week with one of the doctors to discuss the ultrasounds. So, I guess I'm pretty much seeing the doctors on a weekly basis starting now rather than in two weeks. I was bad and looked up info on babies that are small for gestational age (SGA babies). In some cases they end up totally normal, others have some retardation and some die. I'm trying to keep it together right now. I spoke to my mother and she pointed out that my dad has small arms and legs too, and he is totally normal. He doesn't even look oddly shaped to me. Maybe for a girl, but I'll take oddly shaped over retarded or dead. Then she asked me if I wear petite pants and I realize, duh, yes I do and even then the petite pants are sometimes still too long for me. So, I have freaky short legs and didn't even take notice. I don't know if my arms are short, I guess my mom only noticed that my dad's arms are short because she has to buy him shirts. Women's shirts don't have an arm length, but I guess that in general they are a bit long on me. So, perhaps Aislinn was just unfortunate enough to get tiny limbs from my gene pool. If that's the worst thing she gets we're in pretty good shape. As for her low weight, like we told the ultrasound tech, Howie was a pretty tiny baby, especially for a boy, and he's perfect. Well, I think he's perfect. So, right now I'm thinking that she's going to be fine, that it's just our genetics and thanks to that she'll be easy to push out. Right? She's going to be perfect, beautiful and smart. No matter what she's like I love her and nothing else matters.

I'M HUUUUUUUUUUUNGRY!!!!

OMFG!!!! In 6 minutes I can finally test my blood sugar level. This whole fasting for 2 fucking hours when pregnant is bullshit. I'm chugging water to try to fill up my belly but SERIOUSLY!!! ALL THAT DOES IS CREATE A VERY SLOSHY ANGRY SEA IN MY BELLY AS MY DAUGHTER BEATS MY BELLY LIKE IT'S A DRUM AND RAMS HER HEAD INTO MY CERVIX! I feel sea sick! I'm so hungry that I'm dizzy and disoriented and I'm posting so that I can do something other than watch the clock while waiting to do my stupid ass blood test. At the moment my husband is enjoying somebody's birthday cake at work. All I can say is FUCK PEOPLE WHO CAN EAT CAKE!!! Sorry to all of you who eat cake, but I'm having a bad moment, I'm not myself right now. Ugh! All I want to do is eat ALL THE TIME now, and I can't. I have to eat a little and wait freaking 2 hours and then eat and then wait 2 hours. This waiting 2 hours thing is bullshit. I want to eat when I want to eat. I hope that she isn't born a minute past 6 weeks and 6 days because I look forward to the moment that I can start eating whenever I want again. Not only WHENEVER I want but I can eat WHATEVER I want. Yes, CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRBBBBBSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Seriously! But right now it's not even a carb problem because I'm dreaming about eating a large glazed ham, beef brisket, rotisserie chicken, and a very large turkey... ok... with A LOT OF STUFFING. I guess I do want carbs. After I eat all of those animals I'd like to have an entire package of Oreos or Soft Batch chocolate chip cookies and a gallon of milk. Instead I'm going to go have some boring salad and a burger with a low carb bun.

Thanks for helping me pass the time! Later!

Seven Weeks to Go!

Not much has changed since last week. We received the nightstand and bookshelf. Howie put the bookshelf together the day we got it and then we rearranged the nursery. We also bought a curtain rod for the window, more clothes, mattress, mattress pad, boppy, monitor, and a diaper champ for the living room. All we need now is the glider and curtains.

On Sunday we put the playard together. There's a place for me to hook up my iPod. We have it fully stocked with diapers, diaper rash cream, wipes, and onesies. We finally bought me some pajamas, nursing bras, a robe, and a pair of slippers to wear at the hospital. I'll be packing that up in my bag tonight.

The low carb diet that the endocrinologist put me on is working. My blood sugar looks good, but I really do miss carbs. I've asked my mother to bring banana bread, beef noodle casserole, and some chocolate chip cookies after the baby is born. The first thing I'd like to do once she's born is overdose on carbs. I think I'm going to make some noodle kugel before I go into labor and freeze it. Howie and I are thinking of asking his mother for some matzo ball soup and the sweet meatballs she makes. SOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! Right now I weigh 3 lbs. less than I did when I became pregnant. I was up to my pre-pregnancy weight but after starting this low carb diet I've lost weight again. Again, the doctors seem to think this is ok so I'm ok with it. I'm eating like crazy, it's just that I can't gain weight. I should shut up before people start throwing eggs at me. I'm not complaining. It's just ironic that I've always been so good at gaining weight and now that I'm pregnant I can't seem to do that. I know that I'm listing off high carb foods that I plan on eating once she's born, but I really am going to continue to eat healthfully once she arrives. Maybe I'll ask my mom to skip the chocolate chip cookies.

I've been having some Braxton Hicks contractions. Some hurt but most of the time it's just a cement hard belly and a tiny bit of pressure. My body is in training for labor. Woohoo!!!... I think. I don't mind having them and at this stage I guess it's normal. Seven weeks to go!

I'm nesting. Seriously nesting. Aislinn's room is coming along. It's looking good. We're still waiting for the glider, book shelf, and nightstand. We need to buy the mattress for the crib and a floor lamp. Right now I just have the crib sheet laying in the crib. I just wanted to see what it looked like, but it would be nice to have it on a mattress. I already have the diaper caddy on the dresser/changing table filled with diapers, Balmex, and onesies. For downstairs we need a diaper champ and a swing. I don't know if I'm going to get the swing but my sister swears that it's the best thing in the world to have. We've also put together the travel system and will soon be bringing the car seat to the police station to make sure that it was properly installed, if not then we'll learn how to do it the right way. Pretty soon we'll be putting the Pack n Play/Playard together. I figured that if we put it up now we can teach the cat that it's not his to sleep in rather than trying to teach him AFTER the baby comes along. I will also, because I'm a crazy nesting freak, stock the Pack n Play changing station with diapers, wipes, and Balmex. We have onesies, receiving blankets, burp clothes, rattles, pacifiers, and books stored in the baskets that fit inside our coffee table. I know, I seem insane but when we come home from the hospital it'll be nice that it's all done and over with. We'll just have to maintain it, which may not be easy but we'll try.

Here are some pics!

Howie putting the crib together.

Feeling pretty good about his work.

That's what it looks like when all the pieces are put together.

The dresser/changing table! Yes, I realized that having the diaper champ on the right didn't make any sense and it is now on the left. That picture frame will probably be moved to the nightstand after it arrives.

A close up of the crib and sheets. The little pillow goes with the glider, but the glider has yet to arrive.

Howie putting the wheels on the travel system.

Last Saturday I vacuumed the curtains, floor, furniture, behind the furniture, walls. Then I mopped our wood floors. Howie cleaned wood furniture and moved a bunch of other junk. He also went through some mail that we hadn't paid any attention to yet. Howie and I both did laundry that night too. On Monday morning I woke up early to meet with the exterminator. I was so tired, I really wasn't ready to get up yet. Our bedroom was kind of messy so while I was getting dressed I also cleaned the room, made the bed and opened the curtains. I would love for my desire for things to be perfectly clean even if I'm barely able to keep my eyes opened would continue after Aislinn is born, but I doubt it will. Believe me, I love a clean house and I love to organize, but normally when I'm insanely tired I don't clean. I just happen to be nesting at the moment so I can clean with my eyes closed. Last night I folded sheets until 1:00 am. I never realized how many bed linens we actually have until I pulled them all out of our linen closet. They were all folded very badly too. I couldn't live with that so all of them had to be re-folded. My back was killing me when I finished, but that's ok because now everything is folded nicely.

Tonight we clean the kitchen again. The exterminator left us with some powerful cockroach buttons and told us to make a bunch of homemade fruit fly traps. We now have to keep all dishes out of the sink, wipe down counters like crazy and put away the cat's bowls at night. Poor Kirby cat can't even have water at night. He's drinking out of the toilet instead. Anyway, I broke down and bought Special K cereal last night. I came home with it and put it in the fridge. The exterminator wants us to take away any food that the cockroaches can get to out of our home for at least a month, hopefully by then they will be gone. I guess I could put cereal into those air tight containers but we don't have any at the moment. I'm mostly doing this for myself rather than to keep food away from the cockroaches because my husband still has like 3 boxes of cereal so if they want to eat they can. This morning I was really looking forward to having some Special K. Lately I've been eating a doughnut and milk for breakfast, which I probably shouldn't have but it's within my 50 carbs. The doughnuts are also in the fridge. Anyway, I know that I need to measure my Special K so that I don't go over my carbs. When I open the drawer where we store our measuring cups I find a cockroach sitting on top of them looking up at me. Then I notice a couple others in the drawer. They all run off and I slam the drawer. This drawer is right next to our silverware drawer, so I decided that the silverware has probably been touched by the gross roaches. The whole plan of having cereal went to hell from there. I decided I would go ahead and have a doughnut and milk again because I don't need any silverware to eat a doughnut. I'm so disgusted. I told Howie about my encounter and he said that we would get air tight containers for everything and we could also clean the entire kitchen. Howie thinks that the roaches are getting desperate for food which is why they were in a drawer where there isn't food looking for it. I don't know, I just think they're gross and think that they own the entire kitchen and they want to touch all of our things. I want them out of here because if they don't go I don't know how we're going to ever clean the baby's bottles because I don't know if roaches are going to be crawling all over them and the bottle brushes that we use to clean the bottles. The fruit flies are gross and they're all over everything too. The traps that Howie has made are working, but we need more of them to slow down their life cycle. The flies are all over the damn house. I've never lived in such a gross environment. WE'RE CLEEEEEEEAN!!!! Our neighbors are insanely clean, so it's not them. They had to come in our boxes, and if they did I don't know that I EVER want to put my things in storage EVER again. I can't believe how gross this is. I want them all gone in the next 8 weeks or less.

Ok, enough about the nasty infestation. Yesterday was the first day of my 32nd week of pregnancy! I can't believe the weeks are going by so quickly now. Before I go I will attach the new picture of my belly.

Single Digits!!!

NINE weeks to go!!! Seriously, we're down to SINGLE digits, people!!! I'm feeling pretty good about it too.

I had an OB/GYN appointment. I'm rotating different doctors in the practice as Dr. Hot Stuff wanted me to, so on Monday I met Dr. Talks-Too-Much. My appointment was at 10:00 am, I got there at 9:50 am or so. The waiting room was full and it seems that the back-up was from Dr. Talks-Too-Much. I waited for an hour before I was called in. During my appointment I discovered that I lost a pound since being on this crazy no carb/gestational diabetes diet. Whatever, nobody seems to be worried about it. My blood pressure was 120/88... the 88 is still higher than it usually is but it seems like it's no big deal... yet. We listened to the baby's heart and it was around 130 which she said was normal for this stage. Belly size is right on track. I also got permission to go ahead and have sex with my husband again!! Woohooo!!! I know, TMI and for some people that's just gross that we still want to have sex, but whatever. It'll be at least 6 weeks after the baby is born before I can have sex with him again and who knows how long it'll be before I have enough energy to want to have sex, so it would be nice to be with my husband BEFORE the little princess arrives.

On Monday night Howie and I bought the paint for the baby's room! YAY!!! The guy at the paint store mixed the wrong color first, it was a much lighter pink. He said that he wasn't going to charge us for it if we wanted to take that too. FREE paint! Howie took it without a thought. Now we have a gallon of light pink paint... what are we going to use it for? Howie's first thought was using it for the trim in the room. That's not going to happen, it's not in the design and the trim already looks so nice and perfectly white. His second thought was to paint our downstairs bathroom pink. We have a nautical theme going on in there at the moment and it's the one bathroom that our guests will see. Pink isn't the color for that bathroom. If he's dying to paint any room pink the only one I'd say yes to is our full bathroom upstairs, but even then I don't know. Howie and I both want that one to be blue. I think the only place that this light pink is acceptable is the baby's closet. We'll see, Howie didn't want to paint the closet. I'd paint it myself but I'm not allowed to do that. Last night Howie and I taped off the molding in the baby's room and tonight the painting begins!!! YAY!! Howie's parents ordered the crib, dresser, and rug on Sunday. This weekend my parents will be buying us the glider. My mother also wanted us to do the cord blood banking and told us that she'd pay for that. Howie and I are going to buy the bookcase and side table. I feel much more relaxed now that things are moving along in the baby's room.

I called the pediatrician's office yesterday. They took my info and told me that some guy would be calling me back to tell me when the next "Meet the Doctors Night" is scheduled. I didn't know that there was any such thing. It's nice that it takes place at night so that Howie doesn't have to take time off of work.

We still have a list of things to do. Next Wednesday we're going to go to the police department to learn how to properly install the car seat. My doula is sending us a list of postpartum doulas and baby nurses for us to interview. We're not going to have both, we just don't know which we want. My bag for the hospital is half packed and half of the outfit the baby will come home in is picked out. She'll be wearing the sweater and hat that Howie wore home from the hospital when he was a baby. Next Monday an exterminator is coming to our house to help us with our cockroach and fruit fly problem. The whole bug invasion is just gross. I think the bugs crawled into our boxes while our stuff was in storage, now they're living in our home. I want them out of here before the baby is born. I need to wash all of the baby clothes, blankets, and towels. The linen closet needs to be reorganized so that the baby tub will fit. After that we should only have a few things to organize and some baby things to put together. I'm hoping that being prepared for her to come at any time will make her want to stay in there until her due date. I know that if I wasn't prepared she'd come early.

Aislinn is getting really heavy. My back, right hip, and pelvis are killing me. I can no longer sleep on my side because it only makes the pain worse. Don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm being bad and sleeping on my back. I've been sleeping sitting up. It's actually a lot easier for me to get out of bed this way too. I am still using my Snoogle pillow. I kind of create a circle with it and put my butt in the middle so that the pillow goes around my back, hips and under my legs. I also have two pillows behind my back and my tiny kidney bean shaped pillow supporting my lower back. I think that's how I'll be sleeping until the end of the pregnancy. It'll be really nice to sleep any way I want after she arrives. Well, I'm sure by then any kind of sleep in any position anywhere will be nice.

I'm also looking forward to eating carbs and deli meat again. I'll continue to eat healthy, but it'll be great to have more variety in my diet. I can tell you that it will be a long time before I eat eggs again, because right now I eat eggs for breakfast and egg salad for lunch and it's REALLY getting old. It was just the easiest thing to do in the first week, we're coming up with other options. After the exterminator visits I'll be able to buy some Special K without worrying about cockroaches getting into it. Special K is one of the few cereals that don't have too many carbs. Howie isn't as worried about cockroaches in his cereal so he's still eating it. I hate watching him eat things like cereal, stuffing, mashed potatoes. If I didn't suspect that cockroaches and rolled around in his Lucky Charms I'd tackle him to the floor and inhale the entire bowl. I don't even like sugary bad cereals but at this point I'm desperate and I'd take it. I'd trade my scrambled cheese eggs for some Fruit Loops if I could. If I got my hands on some pancakes right now I'd probably cry and then kiss them all over. Our last trip to the grocery store was sad. I wandered down the baking aisle, ice cream aisle, and the bakery with my mouth watering. From time to time I'd pick up an item and look at the nutrition label and then with much disappointment and extreme sadness I would return the item to the shelf. I'm already day dreaming about what Aislinn's 1st birthday cake will be like just because I want to eat it. It's ok, my diet is making her healthier. I'm going to go eat some low carb yogurt now.

Thanksgiving and the Very Bad Cold

Happy Thanksgiving! Howie and I spent the holiday with my sister, brother-in-law, and 7-month old niece. Dinner was full of many carbs I craved but couldn't eat. I have been waiting for Thanksgiving dinner since my first trimester. The turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie!!! I was only able to eat 3 servings of turkey, one bite of mashed potatoes, one bite of stuffing, 3 bites of green bean casserole, and one bite of cranberry sauce. My sister didn't have pumpkin pie because she doesn't like it, but she did have pumpkin cheese cake, which I still couldn't eat. She also had chocolate cream pie and apple pie, those aren't allowed on my diet either. After watching people eat their yummy desserts while I drank two sips of black tea that seemed to have pregnancy friendly ingredients I decided that I was going to have a tiny sliver of chocolate cream pie. Two hours later my blood sugar was fine. That doesn't mean that I'm going to run around eating sweets like it doesn't matter, it's just for one meal. Ok, and maybe if my blood sugar is low on Chanukkah and Christmas I'll have one tiny piece of dessert again.

On Friday morning I woke up to Aislinn kicking me like crazy and wasn't able to fall back to sleep. That was fine, I cuddled up with Howie and started to think about things that needed to be done around the house. The night before when we were at my sister's house watching our niece crawl around their living room floor I think Howie and I both realized that Aislinn is going to need room to have tummy time and eventually crawl and walk around. Things were pretty tight in our living room/dining room area the way it was set up. I started to rearrange the living room furniture in my head while Howie slept. When he woke up I thought I had it all worked out. We were going to have to move the bar into the dining room area, the couch had to go against the wall and we needed to move the whole entertainment center to another wall. Luckily Howie was up for moving furniture after he woke up. We moved the bar first. When we stood back and looked at the bar next to the sideboard I decided that the china cabinet had to be moved to the other side of the sideboard in order for things to be even. After Howie moved the china cabinet, which was very scary because it's so old and almost completely made of glass and contains lots of glass, I kind of thought that maybe that wall looked too crowed. Howie said that he thinks it looks good mostly because if he was going to have to move it back again he was going to lose his mind. I decided to ignore that wall until we finished moving the rest of the furniture. The next thing he moved was the couch, then the entertainment center, and then finally our chair, side table and small chest of drawers. I wasn't so sure about the new layout at first. I sat on the couch kind of unhappy with things but now it's starting to grow on me. Howie seems to really like it. We now have room for the playard, diaper champ, swing, playmat, and ExerSaucer. Yes, all of that and eventually a crawling baby. We also managed to reorganize my desk, the chest of drawers, and clear out the junk that we've been keeping in the baskets in our coffee table. Instead of random computer junk and CDs that I no longer listen to, the baskets now contain things like extra receiving blankets, burp cloths, bibs, onesies, small books, and some toys. That way we have a few things we'll need downstairs so that we don't always have to run up to the nursery to get something.

While we were moving things around and kicking up dust I thought I was having an allergy attack. When it hadn't disappeared by Saturday I realized that I actually had a cold. Our plan for Saturday was to head down to New Jersey because Howie's parents were serving Thanksgiving dinner, part 2. I was looking forward to seeing Howie's friends that I haven't seen since June. His parents wanted us to stay overnight so that we could all go to Pottery Barn Kids today to buy the baby furniture we had hoped to buy a month ago. When we got to Howie's parent's house I felt pretty awful but I tried to socialize with the guests while also keeping a safe distance. After everyone had arrived Howie's brother brought in the gift that he had bought for us. It was our travel system!!! We were so excited to get that because without it we can't bring the baby home from the hospital. We love it! After that I sat down at the kitchen table to have some pregnancy friendly tea. I guess I was looking especially shitty because Howie and his parents decided that I needed to lay down until dinner was served. When I came out for dinner I felt like I had a huge brain cloud. I was so out of it and not at all myself. Eating and drinking a bunch of water did make me feel a little bit better though. Once people finished eating and started chatting Howie encouraged me to go lay down again, which I did. He woke me up for dessert. I cheated again by having one small oatmeal raisin cookie with some water. It was tasted REALLY good, and my blood sugar was also good when I tested it two hours later. Howie was worried about me so he told his parents that we were going to head back home after their guests left. That way we'd be close to my doctor and our hospital if my cold got worse.

It was good to be home in my own environment. The first thing I did when we got home was take a really hot shower. That cleared my head a bit so that I'd be able to breathe when I went to sleep. Howie had already filled the humidifier and put it next to the bed for me. When I got into bed he lotioned and rubbed my feet. Before I completely passed out he brought me some toast and juice. Yes, juice! I know that my endocrinologist said NO JUICE but screw her. I have a cold and drinking milk and water doesn't help. Ok, water is good, but it doesn't soothe a sore throat. Milk only makes me more congested. So, yes, I'm drinking LIGHT orange juice. Howie had to sleep on the couch so that he wouldn't catch my cold. I didn't sleep well at all. I slept for maybe 15 minutes at a time until about 5:00 am and then I was out cold. Howie woke me up and served me breakfast in bed. Eggs, toast, and orange juice. About five minutes later I was coughing quite hard which at first made me lose control of my bladder and totally pee myself so I ran to the toilet to take care of that situation. After I flushed the toilet I started to cough again, but this time I coughed so hard that I was sure I was going to throw up. I called for Howie and told him to quickly distract me with a story, maybe then I wouldn't lose my breakfast. He started to tell me the story about how he was attacked by a duck somewhere and that someday he'd like to take Aislinn to this place with the angry ducks. When he asked me if I'd like to bring her there to I threw up my entire breakfast in the sink and then cried. Other than that I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Howie has insisted that I stay in bed all day. He says he wants me to rest up and get better, but I know that I've been quarantined so that he doesn't get sick before his interview tomorrow. So far it seems to be working out for us both, but I'm finding it hard to stay in bed. I've started nesting and all I can think about are things that need to be done around the house. Oh well, at least it's just for one day. I shouldn't complain because I know there are women out there on bedrest and it's much worse for them.

The Baby Shower and the Doctor Appointment

My baby shower was wonderful! I had a great time. The theme was Little Pumpkin and the colors were magenta, light pink, orange, and green. It was so good to see my family and friends, although I spent most of my time reminiscing with my friends. The gift table and floor around it was completely filled. Howie and my father-in-law crashed the shower to watch me open the gifts. We got our pack n play, high chair, ExerSaucer, baby papasan, and mobile. We also received many clothes, blankets, bibs, stuffed animals and books. I love them all. The big gift that is actually just on loan is the family bassinet. Everyone in the family since 1932 has slept in it. I guess the tradition is fairly new considering it started with my father's first cousin, but it's still nice that the family has one. There's a list of all the babies who have slept in the bassinet that we keep in a frame. Once Aislinn is born her name and birth date will be added to the list.



When Howie and I got home I couldn't wait to put some things away in the baby's closet. We received all of the closet organizers that we registered for and I just couldn't wait to see how well they organized!

Look at all of those diapers, two baskets full. The little critters in the blue wooden box next to the baskets are Scrubby Buddies from when I worked at Bath and Body Works many, many years ago. I've never used them, but I collected them all. Now they're discontinued but every once in a while they'll throw one into a gift set. I figured that Aislinn might like them, so there they are. Can you believe there are baby clothes in the closet? I couldn't believe it. I love to look at them. In 10 weeks I'll have a baby that will be wearing those clothes! Tiny itty bitty clothes! I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! Yeah, I know that's old news but now that we have all of these baby things I'm starting to believe it.

And a little lamb to hang on the door when our little baby girl is sleeping.

I was thinking that I should buy Aislinn some rubber duckies because nobody thought to give us any. Seriously, look at that fleet of ducks. Don't mess with them! They will attack! Actually, I think it's a good thing that we have extras because I remember being totally in love with my rubber duckie when I was little, but after a while it got moldy inside and my mom had to throw it away and that just broke my heart. All I had left were my weebles in their boat and my sister's hand-me-down Barbie that was missing clumps of hair. Barbie was too tall for the weeble sailors and there was no room for her on their boat. The weebles were lonely and missed their aquatic friend, rubber duckie. Aislinn will never have to go through the trauma of losing her rubber duckie forever.

On Friday I received a call from my OB/GYN's office. The nurse told me that they got my blood test results back and I am anemic and have gestational diabetes. They told me that I have to take, no joke, 325 mg. of iron every morning and every night. Seriously, I'm going to need some collace with that. I then had to make an appointment with an endocrinologist, I went today at noon. Dr. S (the endocrinologist), gave me a blood glucose monitoring system, a diet record, and a list of foods and their carb content. She was surprised that I haven't gained much weight, but I told her that I lost a lot of weight in the beginning when I was sick and now I'm eating healthier foods. This seemed acceptable to her, she actually said that it's good that I haven't gained too much weight because it makes things with this gestational diabetes a little better. She explained how to use the monitoring system, told me that I'd have to check my glucose level four times a day, and then we went over the diet. Keep in mind I'm already avoiding sodium and caffeine in order to help avoid preeclampsia. Now sugar and carbs are banned from my diet. She would like me to ONLY drink water, but a little bit of milk is fine. I have to count the milk as a carb with my meals. I only get 50 grams of carbs per meal and milk is 20 grams, so she suggested that I take an extra calcium supplement. If I'm dying for sugar I can use splenda. I need to write down everything that I eat on my diet record and record the number of carbs eaten. Two hours after I finish eating I need to check my blood glucose level and write that down on the sheet. Once a week I will fax my diet record to Dr. S and we will discuss my week. In four weeks I have another appointment with her. If my glucose level isn't staying below 120 and I am following the diet then I will need to start taking insulin. So far (and I've only checked it once) it's working.

While I was at Dr. S's office her nurse took my blood pressure. Every time I've been to my OB/GYN's office it has been 120/70 or extremely close to that. Today my blood pressure was 126/88, which didn't seem to cause any alarm yet, but for me that is high. Not high enough to be dangerous or for me to be admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia, but I hope that it doesn't become a trend. I'm not going to freak out yet, but I have an appointment with another doctor at my OB/GYN's office on Monday and I'll talk to her about it then.

29 Weeks Down, 11 Weeks To Go

This week has been pretty uneventful compared to the drama of last week. Aislinn has been pretty active and spent a good 15 minutes last night thumping on my cervix. It was very uncomfortable but it has been one of her favorite things to do since about the 20th week. It's ok though, she only has 11 more weeks in there. My baby belly is getting pretty big. It's funny, there are some days that I could swear my belly has grown a great deal from one day to the next. I love it though. I love my baby belly, I love rubbing it, I love looking at it, and I love having her all to myself right now. I almost feel a little sad that in three months she's going to come out of there and I have to share her with everyone else. Plus, I kind of like how Howie kisses, talks to, and cuddles with my belly. It's too cute. Anyway, here's the most recent picture taken of my belly.

The count down to the baby shower has begun. Just three more days to go! I'm so excited! I was trying to pry some info out of my mother about the shower but she wouldn't say a word. That's pretty good for her, she usually has a really hard time keeping things to herself. My sister did let me know that they've worked pumpkins into the theme. I hope she also worked pumpkin pie into the dessert table. No matter what I'm sure it's going to be great. I can't wait to see all of my family and friends. Howie and I haven't had a chance to see anyone other than immediate family since we moved up here. We're still spending every free moment trying to get things in order around this house. We didn't get a chance to paint the baby's room this weekend. I don't think it's going to happen this weekend either. That's ok though. It's amazing to me how much stuff we still have. We got rid of so much before selling our house in VA. It just felt like we had so much more room in the last house even though it's the same amount. Our things just fit in so much better there. I think we need professional help. It's also a lot harder to get things done when I'm tired and sore. I also can't lift heavy things, when I get down on the floor I need help getting back up, and I don't have the balance that I used to have for climbing. Hopefully in the next few weeks we'll be able to get everything finished around here. I did start to pack a few things in a bag for the hospital. Just when I run across something I think I'll need there I throw it into the bag.

I guess that's about it for now. I promise to update you on more interesting events this weekend.

Update

Everything looks ok. There doesn't appear to be any reason for the bleeding. My placenta is intact and out of the way, my cervix is 4 cm thick and looks good, and the baby is kicking and healthy. They don't know why I was bleeding but it might have been due to some kind of cervical irritation. The good thing is that the bleeding has stopped, there is no sign of me going into early labor, and the baby was having a damn good time kicking around in there. I think that she just likes to have her picture taken. Perhaps she'll grow up to be a famous actress or something and buy her father and I the house of our dreams. It doesn't really matter, just as long as she grows up. I'm just happy that things look good.

Holy Shit!

Ok... I'm a little upset and I can't leave just yet so I'm writing. I'm bleeding. Red blood. Bleeding. Not gushing awful pouring blood, but bleeding red blood none the less. I called the doctor and she wants me to come in now but I'm waiting for our neighbor who has the car at his shop to bring the car to me so that I can go. Howie is coming home from work as we speak and we'll see what happens. She was kicking this morning, a lot, I think she's ok. I'm just feeling crazy right now and I'm probably not making sense at all because I'm upset. Sorry. To everyone who reads this who knows me in real life, I'm sorry that I'm not calling you right now but I just can't talk on the phone. I can't and I don't want to. I'm upset but I don't want to hear people tell me "it's ok, it's ok" or "OMG" or anything. I'm sorry if you're reading this and this is how you find out but I will call you later with an update.

Update
I went to the OB/GYN office and Dr. Hot Stuff decided to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound. They don't have an opening until 12:45 pm so I am back at home. She told me to stay off my feet, relax, and to drink lots of water. I've convinced myself that Little Nugget/Tiny Dancer/Thumper/Little Monster (pick a term of endearment) will be fine. Alright, that's a lie. I want to believe that she's fine but I don't know. Honestly this is one of my worst fears in the 7th month. In the 7th month of my mother's first pregnancy she was bleeding a little bit. She went to the hospital and the doctor told her that she was fine. He sent her home and put her on bed rest. It turns out that she had a very bad case of preeclampsia and should never have been sent home. It was Memorial Day weekend and my father's cousin and his wife (who they were living with at the time) were having a Memorial Day picnic. My father brought a plate of food upstairs for my mother and found her in a coma. The day before the picnic (which was the day after the doctor had sent her home) the baby had died. At the hospital they induced labor and delivered a still born baby girl. My mother was still in a coma. My father and their family and friends burried the baby. A few days later my mother woke up from her coma, still thinking that she was pregnant, and they told her what had happened. She looked down at her belly and completely fell apart. This has been a major fear and I almost mentioned it in yesterday's post but decided against it. Now here I am... bleeding.

I don't want to completely fall apart. She's still kicking, which is great. I know that she's still alive so even if things aren't ok she's still alive and although I'd prefer to keep her in there for the next three months IF they had to deliver her now she's still alive rather than dead. I am worried though because I know that her brain is now developing ridges and I have no idea what would happen if she was delivered now. Her lungs are still developing and... oh hell, nothing is done developing. I have 12 more weeks to go! How bad is it? I know that she could survive outside of my body right now but would SHE really be ok? What would the quality of her life be? Eventually I'd be sent home from the hospital and I'd have to leave her there.

The least important thing at this time is that I'd miss my baby shower which is next weekend. Whatever. Believe me I am really excited for my baby shower. I just want to have a normal pregnancy like normal pregnant women. I want to have a baby shower, I want to decorate the baby's room, I want to give birth naturally if I so choose. I celebrated with family and friends at my sister's shower after a failed IUI, I want to celebrate with them at MY baby shower. However, I'd prefer to actually have a real live healthy baby of my own, so if I don't have a baby shower I don't have a baby shower. It won't be the end of the world. I just want her to be ok, that's the most important thing.

Ok, it's almost time to go to the hospital. Keep your fingers crossed.

The 28th Week

This is week 28 and I have been so tired. It's not that I don't sleep well at night because I am sleeping well. I'm just ALWAYS tired. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if I let myself. I can't do that though. I do need to get up to work and eat. I haven't done much more than that though. I should probably just enjoy all the sleep while I can. In 12 weeks I'll wish that I had that much time to sleep.

I've been really emotional too. I thought I was emotional before, but it has been so much more intense lately. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don't need a reason to just start crying uncontrollably, it just happens. I think I hit my peak around 3:00 pm each day. It's not the only time of the day that I'll cry, but I usually cry the hardest then. I feel a bit silly because I honestly know that there is no reason to cry but there's no stopping it. It does feel like a good to just let it all go though.

This weekend Howie is going to start painting the baby's room. Once he's done painting, maybe in a couple of weeks, I'm going to paint some little sheep jumping over fences on the wall. A couple of weeks after that we should receive the furniture. I can't wait to see it all put together. I can't wait to put the crib together, put her little clothes away, and set all of her books on her book shelf. I hope that it looks as cute as I imagine it looking in my head.

I guess that's it for now because baby girl is demanding her pre-dinner dinner and she always gets what she wants.

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Today I am beginning my 27th week and third trimester of pregnancy! Just 91 days left. That's just 13 short weeks or 3 months to go! YAY!! I can't believe that these past 27 weeks have gone by so quickly.

There isn't anything to exciting to report from my last doctor appointment. My belly is just the right size and I've finally reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I have one more appointment in four weeks and then I start to go to the doctor every two weeks. I'll have about four of those and then I'll be going in every week until the baby is born.

Howie and I have finished our birthing classes with the doula. We will meet with her again before the baby is born so that we can practice some more meditations for labor. In December we'll be taking the Tot Saver Program and the Newborn Care & Breastfeeding class at the hospital. We'll also get our tour of the child birth center at that time. We still need to set up a meeting with the pediatrician. We have a lot to do before she arrives. I made a list of things this past weekend. I'd like for all of those things to be completed a month before my due date. My grandmother, mother, and sister all had preeclampsia and had their babies early. My mom actually ended up in a coma and lost her baby in her seventh month. So, anyway, I'm doing my best to avoid preeclampsia. I hear that there isn't much you can do about it, if it's going to happen it's going to happen. However, I have cut out sodium, drink lots of water, get lots of rest, eating healthy and so far my blood pressure is great and I haven't experienced much swelling. Let's just keep our fingers crossed. Anyway, I want everything done by the end of December just in case she comes early. I really do hope that my doctor appointments continue to go well and that she stays in there as long as she can but comes out willingly without any medical intervention sometime around 40 weeks.

I truly do want my baby girl to wait another 13 weeks to arrive but I can't wait to see her. As much as I love her and can't wait for her birth Howie just might be more excited than I am. At least I get to carry her around and feel her growing and moving, he's just anxiously awaiting her arrival. It's very cute though. He kisses and talks to my belly before he leaves for work, when he gets home from work, while we sit on the couch, and before we go to sleep at night. Howie has been really sweet and is always telling me that my belly is beautiful and that I look beautiful. He's so cute. I can't wait to see his face in the delivery room when our baby girl is born. I can't wait to see him with her after we bring her home. He's going to be a really great father.

That's about all there is to say for now. Sorry that there isn't anything more exciting for me to update you on. Things are pretty uneventful right now, but I promise to keep you fully informed on my boring life.

What's New?

Since I've sucked at blogging lately I have a lot of updating to do. So here we go!

I've been dead tired. No, not just a little bit tired! I'm talking Rip Van Winkle tired! Luckily I work at home. It's very easy to take a nap in the afternoon when I find it impossible to keep my eyes open. Every night I wake up to pee about three times on average. I also haven't been able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. I finally realized that I needed more pillows. I already have my Snoogle pregnancy pillow and the Boppy Cuddle pillow. I was sleeping without my Tempur-pedic pillow because my Snoogle wraps around my neck. I finally decided that I had to have my Tempur-pedic pillow ontop of the curl of the Snoogle pillow that should wrap around my neck. Because I have pelvic pain I needed an extra pillow between my legs because the Snoogle wasn't keeping my legs separated enough while I slept. I started using my Boppy between my legs in addition to the Snoogle. That left my belly unsupported. So I took one of the pillows from our guest room to help with that. I now sleep in a fortress of pillows and it's quite enjoyable. It's like sleeping on a cloud and I don't even feel the need to change positions in the middle of the night. The only problem that I have is getting out of the fortress of pillows when I have to pee. Now that I'm sleeping better I no longer feel as tired during the day. It's rather nice.

Last Tuesday I noticed that I could see the baby kicking on the outside. It was pretty cool. I'm still rather entertained by it and spend much of my day with my shirt tucked up under my bra staring at my belly. She's been kicking harder and moving around a lot more. It's starting to feel like actual limbs moving around inside of me. It's pretty cool and a little bit weird, but mostly cool. While I was brushing my teeth last night I felt some pressure on my right side. I pressed my hand up against my stomach and I could feel a hard spot. I think it was her little butt pushed up against my belly. I went over to the bed and put Howie's hand on it so that he could feel it too.

On October 2nd Howie and I went to the hospital for another ultrasound. I know, everyone is so over me having ultrasounds because the only other couple on the planet that had this many ultrasounds would be TomKat, but only because they actually OWNED their own ultrasound machine. Anyway, I guess my new doctor does an extra ultrasound for IVF patients. My last doctor also didn't keep a copy of the ultrasounds in my file. I knew that doctor sucked! Thank God I have a new one now. Anyway, she looked fine. She looks like Howie for sure. I'm not kidding, she has his profile. I had some extra time on my hands yesterday so I put a profile comparisson picture together as a joke. I'd show you the silly profile comparison photo but Blogger is sucking ass today and won't let me upload photos! DAMN YOU BLOGGER! DAMN YOU!! ::shakes fist::

This weekend Howie and I are going to be picking out baby furniture. It'll probably be delivered sometime in November, so we have a few weeks to finish cleaning out the boxes in the baby's room and then paint. Hopefully it'll all be done in time for my baby shower. That way I can bring everything home, wash it (if it's washable), and then put it away. I know, it seems a bit early, but that's just how I am. I'm like this with any long awaited event.

There is one thing that I keep obsessing over, it's the name that Howie and I chose for her. I love this name, I've loved this name since I was 18 years old and traveled to Ireland with my cousins. The name is Aislinn, and it doesn't sound the way that it looks. It's pronounced Ash-lynn. See, a couple of weeks ago Howie and I were at his parents house for dinner. Their friends were over and they were looking at our latest ultrasound when someone asked what we were going to name her. Howie said that we're going to name her Aislinn and that it's an Irish name so it's not spelled the way that it sounds. That's when Howie's parents' stupid friend, who we can call BFI for Big Fucking Idiot, asked how the name is spelled and I started to tell her, "A-I-S..." and she cut me off. "Wait! A-S-H." I said, "No. It's not spelled the way that it sounds, there's no S-H. It's A-I-S..." She cut me off AGAIN! "Wait! The name is Aislinn, right?" I took a deep breath, "Yes, but it's NOT spelled the way that it sounds. You can't spell it phonetically." "Ok, so spell it for me again." "A-I-S..." "A-S-H" "NO! You're trying to spell it phonetically! It's not spelled like that! It's A-I-S-L-I-N-N" She looked confused, "Say the name again and then spell it" I was so pissed off at this point so I said, "There's no point in me saying the name and then spelling it for you. I can spell it for you all day and it's not going to make any sense because it's not spelled the way that it sounds. The name is in Gaelic, it's another language so it's not spelled phonetically. It doesn't have an easy English spelling because it's Irish. AIS in Irish/Gaelic sounds like what ASH sounds like in English. So you can't expect the spelling to include an ASH because it doesn't. Her name is spelled A-I-S-L-I-N-N and it's pronounced Ash-lynn!" She probably thought I was a raging bitch, but how fucking thick do you have to be? I tried to cool things down by making a stupid joke that ended up just being lame. I said, "Maybe she'll hate me for giving her that name but she's going to grow into a teenager and tell me that she hates me anyway. (hahahaha) I might as well just go ahead and name her anything I want." BFI's response was, "Or she'll probably just legally change her name." WHAT THE FUCK???? Are you fucking serious? If I wasn't so damn polite I would have hauled off and punched that bitch in the face. So, before this conversation with BFI, who by the way is a teacher who I would think would have run into all kinds of different names including names that aren't spelled phonetically like SEAN which she probably would pronounces SEEN, I figured that our daughter might have to correct her teacher on the first day of school when she/he reads off her name during attendance or explain to her friends that her name is spelled A-I-S-L-I-N-N but I never imagined that she may end up having a conversation like I had with BFI. I figured that when she was little she may not appreciate her name the same way I do, but I thought that she might learn to love that her name was different when she grew up and could enjoy her individuality. It's a beautiful name, it means dream, and that's what she is to us. She's our dream. I could spell her name phonetically, but then it's the combination of the names Ashley and Lynn, it's no longer Irish (which is my background), and it no longer has the same meaning. It's simply a different name. The thing is, people learned how to pronounce Sinead when Sinead O'Connor started making music and people seem to get by when they see Sean instead of Shawn. Maybe Aislinn isn't as popular here as it is in Ireland, but I love the name. My only concern is that our baby girl will hate it and that I'm giving her a lot to deal with everytime she comes in contact with a BFI. I came across a thread on the internet about this name and a woman who liked it when it was pronounced incorrectly. She was wondering if it would be horribly ignorant of her to keep the spelling and just pronounce it Ayzlynn. Everyone with an Irish background or just the general respect for people of other cultures said no, that she should just come up with another spelling but not mispronounce an Irish name. You can't possibly say you like the name Aislinn if you don't like the correct pronunciation. What she likes is the way she thinks the name should sound, not the name. So she should change the spelling and just make up her own name so that she isn't a BFI. Then the ignorant morons in the thread would say stupid things like "We're a phonetic culture and nobody in the U.S. is actually going to pronounce it like the Irish do. Since you like the pronunciation Ayzlynn there's no need to change the spelling because in English the phonetic spelling would be Aislinn." Reeeeeally BFI #2, if Aislinn was the phonetic spelling then why were you using the spelling Ayzlynn to describe the sound of the name? CLEARLY she can create a whole new name that is spelled Ayzlynn and the meaning for the name would be My mother and her friends are BFIs. Sorry, the whole thing just pissed me off when I was reading it. It's not just my issue with this name or people screwing up Irish names, it's that people actually think that people of other cultures in this country should come here and either only choose nice little Anglo names or create new phonetic spellings for names that do not have an English origin. There are many different cutures in this country and I guess I put more faith in that, thinking that my daughter wouldn't be the only one with a name that wasn't spelled out phonetically and that knowing other kids with different names would make her feel less insecure about her name. However, there seem to be more BFIs out there than I orignally thought. Her middle name will be Madison. If she really doesn't feel comfortable with her name I suppose she could have people call her Madison. I hope that she doesn't, but I'll understand if she does. I would just not want her to go legally change her name the moment she turns 18 years old. My husband is Jewish and I'm converting to Judaism, so of course we will be raising our children as Jews. However, I am proud of my Irish background and it was important to me that she be proud of that part of herself and that I give her something (other than freckles and pale skin) from my background. Howie and I both love the name, so that's what I'm giving to her.

3 Year Anniversary

Three years ago today I married Howie. I met Howie on July 3, 1997 in Washington, DC. He and my brother were roommates at the time. I had decided to take the train down with my brother's girlfriend to see him for the holiday weekend. My brother met us at the train station with Howie and I remember thinking that he was cute and that he'd probably just think of me as his roommate's annoying little sister. I was wrong, when we went out to the comedy club that evening Howie held my hand under the table and smiled at me. The comedian on stage quickly noticed and proceeded to make fun of us for the rest of the show. After that Howie and I split up from my brother and his girlfriend. We went to a dance club and that's where we first kissed. Sometime after midnight on the 4th of July he and I decided that we were officially a couple. I know it sounds like we were moving quickly, and maybe we were, but I had never met anyone so wonderful in my life. He was genuinely nice. An actual nice guy, I didn't know they existed. Oh, and he was cute, seriously cute. I loved the way he looked when we first met at the train station, still dressed in his shirt and tie from work and he had a really nice summer tan. Anyway, we dated long distance for about a month and then I broke up with him. We were 18 years old, we were young! I had seen my sister and a number of other people get too serious too early in life and it never seemed to turn out too well for them. I knew I loved Howie, I knew it that first weekend, but what if I was wrong? What if I was just a stupid teenager over romanticizing things? I didn't speak to him again until spring of 1998. He was happy to talk to me, but he had just met another girl at college and it looked like I had missed my chance. While he dated this girl for the next two years we remained friends and talked almost every day. I had always hoped that they would just break up so that I could have another chance with him, but I think it was around January of 2000 I had given up on that. He had just graduated from college a semester early, his girlfriend had another year and a half before she finished college but I just assumed that he was going to ask her to marry him sooner or later. I decided that I was happy for him because he really seemed to love her and all I wanted was for him to be happy. So when I had finally prepared myself to move on it happened! They broke up! I couldn't believe it when he told me. I felt bad for him because he really cared about her but I was also thrilled because he was single again. I didn't want to be too eager, he had dated her for two years and he needed time. Howie and I remained friends, chatted as we always had. A few months later my brother called me to say that the Navy was sending him overseas for a year and asked if I'd like to live in his apartment for free while he was gone. A free apartment in Arlington, VA only 10 minutes from Howie? Of course! I moved to Arlington in June of 2000 but by this time Howie was dating other women in the area. None of them were serious, but I didn't want to be one of the rebound girls. I started to date another guy in the area for a few months but by the time autumn rolled around that relationship was over and the long line of girls that Howie had been dating had finally come to an end. I think that we were together almost every spare moment we had. You'd think that taking things to the next level would have been easy at this point, but I think it was actually more difficult because we had become best friends. There was more on the line, neither of us wanted to risk the friendship. We finally got over that and began dating again on January 20, 2001. We had moved in together by May so that I would be out of my brother's apartment when he came home. At this point we knew this was it, we knew that we were going to get married some day. On the evening of March 8, 2002 Howie took me to the Lincoln Memorial and asked me to marry him on the top step. I of course said yes and we were married on October 12, 2003. So, yes, three years of marriage isn't that long but I fell in love with him nine years ago and I will love him for the rest of my life. He's the sweetest man I've ever known and I am thankful for him every day of my life. He is always there for me, he's always strong for me when I need him to be, he understands me, he knows me better than I know myself, he has faith in me, he makes me feel sexy even though I'm sure that I appeared to be much sexier when I was 18 years old, and most importantly he's my best friend. So, Howie, I love you! Happy 3rd Anniversary, baby!

Venting

The other night at our birthing class our doula put out a bunch of cards with baby products on them. We had to divide these cards up into different categories. We had to find one item that would be absolutely necessary if the baby was born tomorrow, 5 items that we think we need, 8 items that would be nice to have, and something like 10 that were luxury items. We all put the car seat down as the one item that was absolutely necessary. As for all of the other categories, I have no idea what went into them now. I believe that crib sheets and a stroller ended up in the luxury item category. I stopped helping place things because I quickly realized that every time I thought there was something I'd need I was told that I don't. I learned that I'm a materialistic bitch because all you need when you have a baby is an endless supply of dish towels and an empty dresser drawer. I'm not fucking kidding! It's completely acceptable for you to put your child to sleep every night in your dresser drawer. I also learned that I don't need a nursing bra because I can continue using my regular bra and just pull it under my boob whenever I need to feed my baby. Yes, I realize that doing that works as well but I learned a long time ago that simply sleeping in my bra would stretch it out, but I guess pulling the entire thing under my boob won't? Yes, actually, it will! And when it does get stretched out I'll have to buy another bra, and when I do why can't I just go ahead and buy a nursing bra? Simply because my doula and the other couple in our birthing class think that I shouldn't? Please, I mean, I already saved money by NOT buying a crib! The doula also said that if you live close enough to the hospital you wouldn't need the car seat. She actually asked us how close we were to the hospital. I'm giving birth in JANUARY in CONNECTICUT! Even if I did live next door to the hospital I wouldn't be carrying my baby, that is only wrapped in a dish towel, home in my arms during a snow storm. That's probably because I'm materialistic and I just really want to waste my money on a travel system. Luckily I live far enough from the hospital that it seems acceptable for me to say that I'll need a car seat. Perhaps I could save the money and MacGyver-up some sort of car seat type thing made out of dish towels, a pot, and an old shoe. Nah, that's probably not necessary. Simply throwing my infant on the back seat and throwing the seat belt around it should be good enough. The other couple made a joke about their friends who just had a baby girl. They said that they laugh about how they have a whole nursery set up for the baby and all the baby has needed so far are diapers. Their friends sound like really horrible parents. I feel like I should call child services to let them know that these people have a fully loaded nursery for their child. I'm not sure how this little exercise has helped me prepare for my labor but I do know that it made me feel like a total asshole.

I guess this is where it begins. People say that once you become a mother other mothers begin judging you and compare you to themselves, as if they are better than you. It's not just the doula or the other couple in our birthing class, it seems to be everyone around me. It's my sister, my friends, my in-laws, people at work, pretty much any stranger that realizes I'm pregnant. One person says I need to register for this or that, another tells me that those things didn't work for them and that they know better than the last person you spoke to. When choosing something that I simply like it's laughable because no one would ever need this or that, I'm so materialistic. Maybe wanting the most beautiful crib in the world that will convert into a toddler bed and then into a twin size bed is silly, or the dresser that I want to buy instead of a changing table so that it will also grow with my child is unnecessary because there is a closet in the room, and maybe I shouldn't worry about buying my daughter that matching bookcase for her room so that we can place all of the children's books that I've registered for in there, I mean, Howie and I could just keep them in our bookcase right between Hannibal and An Affair to Remember. It's possible that a dish towel could be a burp cloth, a diaper, bedding, and a receiving blanket, but I'd prefer to have diapers as diapers, cute unnecessary burp clothes that say things like "Love Bug" or "Little Pumpkin" for my own entertainment while I'm up at all hours feeding, pretty sheets that fit nicely around my baby's mattress, and receiving blankets with adorable little animals printed on them. I realize it's for me, because my newborn won't care if she's crapping on my shirt or in a diaper, but I will. She won't care if I throw her clothes on the floor or in a pretty pink hamper, but it makes it easier for me to have all of her dirty clothes in the mesh bag that detaches from the hamper. It pisses me off that people feel the need to voice their opinions and laugh at me for the way I would like to decorate my baby's room or care for my daughter. Believe me, when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing I'll ask for help, but unless I've asked I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just keep your assvice to yourself. I am, after all, the one who tried for two years to conceive this child, I'm the one who stuck myself with numerous needles during every cycle for the past year (most of the time with Howie's help), I'm the one that had track marks on my right arm from having my vein tapped over and over and over again, I am the one that would endlessly vomit and feel that my world was spinning around me after popping my Metformin, I waited through a number of 2 week waits and cried when the results were negative, and after becoming pregnant I was the one that put up with the nausea, gave up caffeine, have stretch marks all over my growing belly, tolerating some intense acid reflux that no amount of Tums can resolve, back aches, removing the awful new, dark, ugly facial and body hair that is growing like a weed all over me, and I will eventually give birth without drugs (as long as there aren't any emergencies at the end) all without complaining because my little baby girl is worth every single bit of it but excuse me for being a little bit selfish now that I'm finally going to be a mother. I wasn't sure that I'd ever get to decorate a nursery or walk into Babies 'R' Us to register for all kinds of baby things. Now that I can you better believe that I'm going to have fun with it and if all those asshats that would rather put their kid in a drawer than a crib want me to say it, fine, I'll say it! YES, IT'S ALL FOR ME! I AM SELFISH AND MATERIALISTIC.

I'm sure that once my daughter is born the next issue will be that either I'm a bad mother for working or that I'm contributing to the set back of the feminist movement by being at home with my child. It should be the best of both worlds, working from home, but I'm sure it's still somehow the wrong thing for me to do. It would be difficult to go into the office when the office is in VA, and it would be difficult to pay for daycare because it is insanely expensive. Will I be teaching my daughter that women are lower than men because I'm working from home, I doubt that because I don't believe that and neither does my husband. Will my daughter be behind because she isn't in daycare and therefore not socializing with other children? I doubt it because I do plan on joining Mommy and Me groups so that the both of us can get out of the house now and then. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm damaging my child? I don't think that I'm such a fumbling moron that my child is going to end up in lock up by the age of 15 because I worked from home. Who the hell knows what to do anymore? The thing is none of us know what is exactly right, we're all doing the best that we can and trying to teach our children the values that we feel are the most important for them to learn. Why do we have to judge each other? Because we're so insecure about what we're doing and finding that someone else is doing something different makes us question ourselves, so instead we decide to just make the other woman feel like she's doing something wrong with her child. It's stupid, why are you so worried that you're wrong because they do things differently? It doesn't mean that you're wrong or that they're wrong, it just means that there are different types of people in this world which I hope isn't such a huge shocker for you. Just raise your child to be the kind of person you'd like them to be and if you don't like the way that I'm raising my child then I guess we just won't be putting our children into the same play group. Quite honestly, if you're upset with me for putting my child to sleep in a crib, covering her butt with a diaper, and breastfeeding her in public then I don't care to know you. What you should be more concerned about are the people who starve their children to death, or beat their children, or molest their children and their children's friends.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.

We're Having a Little...

We're having a little baby girl!!! She is so cute and so perfect! You'd think that at this point I wouldn't be weepy anymore but I'm still weepy. We saw her little heart beating, but now we can see all four chambers pumping. We saw her two perfect little kidneys and then they measured her little legs, arms, nose, everything really. She had her left arm up next to her face and it looked like she was yawning. She is so beautiful. No matter how much she kicks and how often I see her little heart beating I'm still amazed that she's doing just fine and continues to grow inside of me. For some reason it seems so much more real to me today. I think I finally believe that I'm going to have a baby in almost four months. I was looking at her on the screen, watching her moving around, and I realized that the little person that I've been talking to and have been feeling move inside of me is right there on the screen. She's real and she's healthy. There really is a little piece of Howie and I growing inside of me and I finally feel connected to her. I am so in love with her. I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love her. She is the most perfect and wonderful thing that Howie and I have ever done. I can't wait for the moment that she comes into this world and I'm finally able to hold her and kiss her. I love you, my little baby girl.

Unpacking

Howie and I (Howie really) have unpacked a lot of boxes this weekend. We've also put together a lot of new furniture from IKEA. Yes, cheap IKEA furniture all over our living room. Thank God for IKEA! We put together a TV bench, shelving unit, drawer unit, and desk. We bought the ALVE shelving unit because it comes in the Antique finish like our MARKOR TV bench and cabinet. Yes, MARKOR had a shelving unit that would go with the rest of our set to create an Entertainment Center but it was too wide for the space it's going in. So we bought the ALVE shelving unit because it was thinner. After putting the shelves together we realized that they are much taller than the MARKOR cabinet and even though it was thinner than the MARKOR shelving unit that we didn't buy it still covers the window frame. I guess that's better than having the MARKOR unit covering part of the actual window, but it still kind of bothers me.

While Howie and I were unpacking boxes we found a box marked "Living Room - Wood Bots". We were both confused. Howie was thinking "Gobots?" and I was thinking "Why would robots be made out of wood? Why would we buy something as lame as a collection of wooden robots? Why don't I ever remember seeing them in our home?" Howie opened the box and inside we find Howie's entire fleet of WOODEN BOATS! One of the sweet women that packed up our things before the move misspelled the word boat. Poor thing, that's what too many hours of packing can do to your brain.

Our dining room used to be completely filled with boxes. The fact that we can now see outside our sliding glass door is amazing! We found that we have way too many pictures, books, and DVDs. All the picture boxes have gone upstairs for now. Until we are completely unpacked I don't think I can even imagine where the pictures are going to be hung. We are still opening boxes of books and DVDs. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! Howie wanted to go buy more shelves that we'd put God knows where but I told him that I just want to be like everyone else with a perfect, clean, minimalist type home. I doubt we'll ever actually achieve that. We also need to make sure that there will be room for a Pack 'n Play and crawling room for the baby. If by some miracle we have any excess space we might get a sideboard so that we can actually store our china. Right now our china is sitting in the baby's room. It's very likely that our precious, delicate plates will be the baby's first toys.

My desk is pretty much set up and ready for me to begin working from home tomorrow. I still have another stash of work related items upstairs that need to go into my new desk, but there just isn't enough room. I barely had room for all my fun choking hazards. It's much more important to display my matryoshka (nesting dolls) from Georgia (the country), Mardi Gras cats from New Orleans, mini zen garden where my coqui frogs from Puerto Rico spend their days relaxing in the sand, my zebra bowl from Tanzania, fertility dolls (that so don't work) from Zimbabwe, wooden fish from I don't remember where, and my crazy wooden cat from Key West. Some I bought on my own, some were gifts, all of them are more important than a tape dispenser and other office supplies. The zebra bowl has form and function, it holds my binder and butterfly clips.

The Big E (huge New England fair type thing) was awesome. Howie and I went with my sister and brother-in-law. I ate everything, well, almost everything. I had 2 large cups of fresh lemonade, fried dough, chocolate covered banana (which I dropped all over my white tank top), apple crisp, apple cider, apple cider doughnut, loaded baked potato, some soda, pizza, some more soda, and then Howie bought me a caramel apple to bring home. I didn't eat everything I hoped to eat. I missed out on the huge caveman-like turkey leg, milk & cookies, maple candy, hot dog, fudge, and cotton candy. Even though I didn't eat everything I did pretty damn well considering my digestive system has slowed down and I normally become insanely full after eating an orange. Howie and I bought a few other items while we were at the Big E. We bought a stained glass Star of David to hang in our window so that the neighborhood is aware that a couple of Jews have moved in, a drug rug (catnip blanket) for our cat, and a little cuddly blanket with a lamb head on it for the baby. This morning I was sitting at my desk about 3 feet away from the chair that my cat, Kirby, was sleeping on. I started to open the bag that contained the drug rug, Kirby immediately awoke. He jumped off the chair and started to sniff the bag in my hands. I took the drug rug out and threw it down on the floor in front of me. He was on that blanket almost before it hit the floor. He licked it, bit it, scratched it, and rolled on it. He's in love. After a few moments his eyes were glazed over and he was all tripped out. I think he's pretty pleased with the gift.

So, tomorrow is the big day! In about 12 hours Howie and I will hopefully know if we're having a boy or a girl! I can't wait. I keep going back and forth in my head, "it's a boy" "no it's a girl" "no way, Howie's always right, it's a boy". I won't have to wonder much longer.

New Doctor, Doula, and New Home

Howie and I went to our first appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday. The staff at the new OB/GYNs office is a thousand times better than the staff at the old OB/GYNs office. The nurses are more friendly and talkative and the one doctor that I met so far was really nice. She's also REALLY attractive. The only thing about Dr. Hot Stuff that bothered Howie was the way she sounded when she spoke. I didn't notice anything, except that she sometimes over pronunciates like Ross on Friends.

Dr. Hot Stuff asked us if Dr. P (who's staff STILL hadn't sent my records to my new doctor)had done a screening for Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13. I said that we hadn't and she told us that if we wanted to do that we had to do it immediately because it was almost too late. We decided to do it just so that we can prepare ourselves. Dr. Hot Stuff measured my belly and then we all listened to the heartbeat. It looks like everything is the way it should be. We have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. We're looking forward to finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl.

Last night was our first birthing class with the doula. There's only one other couple that attends the class. I like that it's a small class. The doula, who we can call R until I can come up with a better name, asked us a bunch of questions. Howie knew more than me and the other couple. Somebody does a lot of reading. No, really, it's very cute that he knows so much. She also taught us about the stages of labor, we talked about our discomforts during our pregnancies, and she went over a few other things. At the end of the class she did a relaxation exercise. She said that every week she'll be doing one at the end of the class. We really liked the class and our doula. We went home with some homework. We had to look up some birthing plans online and come up with a rough birthing plan. The other thing is that if we like music she wanted us to go home and pick a song or a list of songs that help us relax. We then need to start to listen to the music while relaxing in bed, that way when I listen to it during labor it will remind me of being relaxed. Sounds good to me. I'm a huge music person so I'll really enjoy picking out some relaxing music.

The new house is good. It's nice to be back in CT. A few neighbors introduced themselves to us the first day we were here. Now, this may not seem unusual to many of you but for Howie and I it was. Before I go on I'd like to say that I love the DC Metro Area, it's a great place and I met many wonderful people. If I didn't like it I wouldn't have lived there for 6 years of my life. That being said, when Howie and I moved into our townhouse community in Springfield, VA in 2003 NO ONE introduced themselves to us. We'd say hi to people, wave, be nice when we spotted a neighbor, but nobody would show any interest in getting to know us. Nobody spoke to each other, unless they both had kids around the same age, then they'd talk when they had to. Maybe it was just our community, I'm not saying it's like that all over the area, but that was our experience. Anyway, our new neighbors are awesome. We got to the house a few days before the movers did. On the day that the movers arrived a couple of our neighbors stopped by to see if we needed anything, offered to help after the movers left, it was really nice. The couple that lives right next to us had us over to their house, gave us all their take out menus, their phone numbers just in case we needed something, the number of their plumber friend so that we can fix our plumbing problems, the husband drove Howie to the closest train station so that he could see where it is and then told Howie that he could park at the gas station that he owns only a few steps away from the train, and the wife printed up the train schedule because we didn't have our internet hooked up yet. I could go on and on about how kick ass our neighbors are but I think the only people who are truly excited about that are Howie and I. We still have a lot of boxes to unpack and it's making me crazy. When Howie and I have enough time alone we get a lot done. Howie is fast, and I'm always more productive when I have my iPod on, so this weekend we'll be unpacking like mad crazy! I can't wait to be completely unpacked so that we know where everything is and so that we can just relax.

Last bit of baby news, today is the first day that I could feel the baby kicking on the outside! I love it. I've been told that I won't enjoy all the kicking later, but for now it's pretty cool.

Saying Goodbye to My Office

I'm still at the office right now. Yesterday should have been my last day, but it wasn't because I couldn't focus enough to actually finish everything I needed to finish. So I'm here and I was getting a lot done. I've got my iTunes on, I'm writing instructions for the new guy (who drives me crazy, but that's for another post) and then my boss, Debbie, comes in.

Debbie walks in and says, "Ok, I'm going home now." and walks over to my desk. NO! I don't want to say goodbye to anyone! Especially Debbie & Lesley. I get up to hug her, and I hate that I'm hugging her goodbye and I smell because the movers packed my deodorant. That'll be the last thing she remembers, Amy smelled bad. Anyway, she says that she's going to miss me, but that we're still going to talk and we're still working together it's just that we're not in the same location. I shake my head, and she gives me the same speech she gave at my going away party yesterday and during my annual review. She tells me that she's so proud of me because she remembers my first day here. I walked in the front doors without any experience and in the past 4 1/2 years I've gone from being the receptionist to being the Office Assistant to being a Program Coordinator for our second largest project and traveled all the way to Zimbabwe by myself to work with WHO and now I'm leaving as a part of the HR team. She said that she is so proud of my achievements, and I should be proud too. Seriously, I could never have done those things without her giving me a chance. I was 23 years old when I started working here, I had been working shitty retail and all I had was a high school diploma. She hired me and I worked my ass off, she promoted me to Office Assistant, and then it happened. See, after working as receptionist and as office staff everyone here gets to know you, and then they snatch you up if they like you enough. Well, we had recently won a new contract and the Project Manager wanted me to work as his Program Coordinator. Debbie called me to tell me the good news and although she didn't want to lose her assistant she knew that being a PC would be a great opportunity. I mean, a masters degree is one of the requirements for that job and I only had a high school diploma! It was a great experience, but I couldn't give them the kind of time that I needed to give to them when Howie and I started trying to have a baby, so I left. Debbie was now the HR Manager and hired me to be her assistant. She allowed me to work on a part-time basis so that I could take off whenever I needed to and not have to worry about sick leave. She's the best boss in the whole world. I really love her and I don't ever want to work for anyone else ever again because now I'm spoiled. Anyway, she started to cry again, as she has been all week, and I started to get teary. She said some other things but it's all a blur now. We hugged again and she left. I sat back down and looked around my office. I'm not coming back to this every morning. I'm going to miss my computer, tomorrow they're clearing it and giving to the new guy. He's going to have my computer, my ergonomic chair, my telephone extension (bye-bye ext. 5084), I won't have the balcony outside the HR office on the 11th floor, and I won't be entertained by the weird blonde across the way in the next building (bye-bye blonde woman). My desk is empty. I no longer have my big IKEA ZiZi plant on top of my file cabinet, or my silly family & friend pics on my book shelf next to my mini zen garden where I placed the little frogs that Les bought me in Puerto Rico, and my Russian dolls no longer sit on my other file cabinet with my fertility dolls from Zimbabwe. I still have them, but they aren't where they belong, in my office, where I belong from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM everyday. Now they'll be cute little choking hazards for my baby to play with at home. I haven't yet thrown out the empty tissue box on my desk. I'm also going to miss the chair in the reception area where I was sitting when I found out that I was pregnant. Worst of all I won't see the two wonderful ladies, Les & Sun, who were with me when I found out and cried along with me. Les, I'm also going to miss sitting in your guest chair chatting loudly to irritate the hell out of your jackass of an officemate. I'm going to miss those long talks about nothing in the middle of a boring day at work and then being caught by Debbie. All I know is that I miss every single inch of this office, even the dirt nasty Ladies Room.

*Side note to Lesley... I just realized that those Girl Scout cookies are still under my desk!!! CRAP! Umm... I'm leaving them there...*

Anyway, I hate that the asshat that will be picking up the few things I can't do from home is getting all of my stuff! I'm totally giving my ergonomic chair to my other co-worker, Chitra, because I swear that her chair is unsafe, and the little punk ass 22 year old that thinks he knows everything doesn't need excellent back support. That little punk told me 3 times in 1 hour that HE needed ME to clear everything off my desk tonight because they're moving him there tomorrow and he needs the space! He also implied that I'm dirty by asking in a half joking, half serious way if I would be providing him with rubber gloves and wipes! What the fuck!!! I should have tossed his bitchy ass right off of the fucking balcony. I'm so not dirty, I'm not just saying that, I'm seriously not dirty. When I was the receptionist I was grossed out by the nasty keyboard they had at the front desk. I actually took all the keys off of the keyboard so that I could clean each one, so fuck you, you little punk ass!

Ok, I don't want to end on that note. I have really enjoyed working here, even on the bad days, because the people here are really awesome and it breaks my heart to leave them. I have been crying in private every day because I'm so sad that I end up going into the ugly cry, and I wanted to spare everyone from a sight like that.

There has been one good moment today, but it's unrelated to me leaving my office. We got a call from our loan office today. Our loan has been completed!!!! Wooohooo!!!!!!!!! Only 24 hours before closing! I have to say, I really thought they'd fuck it up and I'd have to throw rotten fish at their building.