Venting

The other night at our birthing class our doula put out a bunch of cards with baby products on them. We had to divide these cards up into different categories. We had to find one item that would be absolutely necessary if the baby was born tomorrow, 5 items that we think we need, 8 items that would be nice to have, and something like 10 that were luxury items. We all put the car seat down as the one item that was absolutely necessary. As for all of the other categories, I have no idea what went into them now. I believe that crib sheets and a stroller ended up in the luxury item category. I stopped helping place things because I quickly realized that every time I thought there was something I'd need I was told that I don't. I learned that I'm a materialistic bitch because all you need when you have a baby is an endless supply of dish towels and an empty dresser drawer. I'm not fucking kidding! It's completely acceptable for you to put your child to sleep every night in your dresser drawer. I also learned that I don't need a nursing bra because I can continue using my regular bra and just pull it under my boob whenever I need to feed my baby. Yes, I realize that doing that works as well but I learned a long time ago that simply sleeping in my bra would stretch it out, but I guess pulling the entire thing under my boob won't? Yes, actually, it will! And when it does get stretched out I'll have to buy another bra, and when I do why can't I just go ahead and buy a nursing bra? Simply because my doula and the other couple in our birthing class think that I shouldn't? Please, I mean, I already saved money by NOT buying a crib! The doula also said that if you live close enough to the hospital you wouldn't need the car seat. She actually asked us how close we were to the hospital. I'm giving birth in JANUARY in CONNECTICUT! Even if I did live next door to the hospital I wouldn't be carrying my baby, that is only wrapped in a dish towel, home in my arms during a snow storm. That's probably because I'm materialistic and I just really want to waste my money on a travel system. Luckily I live far enough from the hospital that it seems acceptable for me to say that I'll need a car seat. Perhaps I could save the money and MacGyver-up some sort of car seat type thing made out of dish towels, a pot, and an old shoe. Nah, that's probably not necessary. Simply throwing my infant on the back seat and throwing the seat belt around it should be good enough. The other couple made a joke about their friends who just had a baby girl. They said that they laugh about how they have a whole nursery set up for the baby and all the baby has needed so far are diapers. Their friends sound like really horrible parents. I feel like I should call child services to let them know that these people have a fully loaded nursery for their child. I'm not sure how this little exercise has helped me prepare for my labor but I do know that it made me feel like a total asshole.

I guess this is where it begins. People say that once you become a mother other mothers begin judging you and compare you to themselves, as if they are better than you. It's not just the doula or the other couple in our birthing class, it seems to be everyone around me. It's my sister, my friends, my in-laws, people at work, pretty much any stranger that realizes I'm pregnant. One person says I need to register for this or that, another tells me that those things didn't work for them and that they know better than the last person you spoke to. When choosing something that I simply like it's laughable because no one would ever need this or that, I'm so materialistic. Maybe wanting the most beautiful crib in the world that will convert into a toddler bed and then into a twin size bed is silly, or the dresser that I want to buy instead of a changing table so that it will also grow with my child is unnecessary because there is a closet in the room, and maybe I shouldn't worry about buying my daughter that matching bookcase for her room so that we can place all of the children's books that I've registered for in there, I mean, Howie and I could just keep them in our bookcase right between Hannibal and An Affair to Remember. It's possible that a dish towel could be a burp cloth, a diaper, bedding, and a receiving blanket, but I'd prefer to have diapers as diapers, cute unnecessary burp clothes that say things like "Love Bug" or "Little Pumpkin" for my own entertainment while I'm up at all hours feeding, pretty sheets that fit nicely around my baby's mattress, and receiving blankets with adorable little animals printed on them. I realize it's for me, because my newborn won't care if she's crapping on my shirt or in a diaper, but I will. She won't care if I throw her clothes on the floor or in a pretty pink hamper, but it makes it easier for me to have all of her dirty clothes in the mesh bag that detaches from the hamper. It pisses me off that people feel the need to voice their opinions and laugh at me for the way I would like to decorate my baby's room or care for my daughter. Believe me, when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing I'll ask for help, but unless I've asked I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just keep your assvice to yourself. I am, after all, the one who tried for two years to conceive this child, I'm the one who stuck myself with numerous needles during every cycle for the past year (most of the time with Howie's help), I'm the one that had track marks on my right arm from having my vein tapped over and over and over again, I am the one that would endlessly vomit and feel that my world was spinning around me after popping my Metformin, I waited through a number of 2 week waits and cried when the results were negative, and after becoming pregnant I was the one that put up with the nausea, gave up caffeine, have stretch marks all over my growing belly, tolerating some intense acid reflux that no amount of Tums can resolve, back aches, removing the awful new, dark, ugly facial and body hair that is growing like a weed all over me, and I will eventually give birth without drugs (as long as there aren't any emergencies at the end) all without complaining because my little baby girl is worth every single bit of it but excuse me for being a little bit selfish now that I'm finally going to be a mother. I wasn't sure that I'd ever get to decorate a nursery or walk into Babies 'R' Us to register for all kinds of baby things. Now that I can you better believe that I'm going to have fun with it and if all those asshats that would rather put their kid in a drawer than a crib want me to say it, fine, I'll say it! YES, IT'S ALL FOR ME! I AM SELFISH AND MATERIALISTIC.

I'm sure that once my daughter is born the next issue will be that either I'm a bad mother for working or that I'm contributing to the set back of the feminist movement by being at home with my child. It should be the best of both worlds, working from home, but I'm sure it's still somehow the wrong thing for me to do. It would be difficult to go into the office when the office is in VA, and it would be difficult to pay for daycare because it is insanely expensive. Will I be teaching my daughter that women are lower than men because I'm working from home, I doubt that because I don't believe that and neither does my husband. Will my daughter be behind because she isn't in daycare and therefore not socializing with other children? I doubt it because I do plan on joining Mommy and Me groups so that the both of us can get out of the house now and then. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm damaging my child? I don't think that I'm such a fumbling moron that my child is going to end up in lock up by the age of 15 because I worked from home. Who the hell knows what to do anymore? The thing is none of us know what is exactly right, we're all doing the best that we can and trying to teach our children the values that we feel are the most important for them to learn. Why do we have to judge each other? Because we're so insecure about what we're doing and finding that someone else is doing something different makes us question ourselves, so instead we decide to just make the other woman feel like she's doing something wrong with her child. It's stupid, why are you so worried that you're wrong because they do things differently? It doesn't mean that you're wrong or that they're wrong, it just means that there are different types of people in this world which I hope isn't such a huge shocker for you. Just raise your child to be the kind of person you'd like them to be and if you don't like the way that I'm raising my child then I guess we just won't be putting our children into the same play group. Quite honestly, if you're upset with me for putting my child to sleep in a crib, covering her butt with a diaper, and breastfeeding her in public then I don't care to know you. What you should be more concerned about are the people who starve their children to death, or beat their children, or molest their children and their children's friends.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.

We're Having a Little...

We're having a little baby girl!!! She is so cute and so perfect! You'd think that at this point I wouldn't be weepy anymore but I'm still weepy. We saw her little heart beating, but now we can see all four chambers pumping. We saw her two perfect little kidneys and then they measured her little legs, arms, nose, everything really. She had her left arm up next to her face and it looked like she was yawning. She is so beautiful. No matter how much she kicks and how often I see her little heart beating I'm still amazed that she's doing just fine and continues to grow inside of me. For some reason it seems so much more real to me today. I think I finally believe that I'm going to have a baby in almost four months. I was looking at her on the screen, watching her moving around, and I realized that the little person that I've been talking to and have been feeling move inside of me is right there on the screen. She's real and she's healthy. There really is a little piece of Howie and I growing inside of me and I finally feel connected to her. I am so in love with her. I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love her. She is the most perfect and wonderful thing that Howie and I have ever done. I can't wait for the moment that she comes into this world and I'm finally able to hold her and kiss her. I love you, my little baby girl.

Unpacking

Howie and I (Howie really) have unpacked a lot of boxes this weekend. We've also put together a lot of new furniture from IKEA. Yes, cheap IKEA furniture all over our living room. Thank God for IKEA! We put together a TV bench, shelving unit, drawer unit, and desk. We bought the ALVE shelving unit because it comes in the Antique finish like our MARKOR TV bench and cabinet. Yes, MARKOR had a shelving unit that would go with the rest of our set to create an Entertainment Center but it was too wide for the space it's going in. So we bought the ALVE shelving unit because it was thinner. After putting the shelves together we realized that they are much taller than the MARKOR cabinet and even though it was thinner than the MARKOR shelving unit that we didn't buy it still covers the window frame. I guess that's better than having the MARKOR unit covering part of the actual window, but it still kind of bothers me.

While Howie and I were unpacking boxes we found a box marked "Living Room - Wood Bots". We were both confused. Howie was thinking "Gobots?" and I was thinking "Why would robots be made out of wood? Why would we buy something as lame as a collection of wooden robots? Why don't I ever remember seeing them in our home?" Howie opened the box and inside we find Howie's entire fleet of WOODEN BOATS! One of the sweet women that packed up our things before the move misspelled the word boat. Poor thing, that's what too many hours of packing can do to your brain.

Our dining room used to be completely filled with boxes. The fact that we can now see outside our sliding glass door is amazing! We found that we have way too many pictures, books, and DVDs. All the picture boxes have gone upstairs for now. Until we are completely unpacked I don't think I can even imagine where the pictures are going to be hung. We are still opening boxes of books and DVDs. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! Howie wanted to go buy more shelves that we'd put God knows where but I told him that I just want to be like everyone else with a perfect, clean, minimalist type home. I doubt we'll ever actually achieve that. We also need to make sure that there will be room for a Pack 'n Play and crawling room for the baby. If by some miracle we have any excess space we might get a sideboard so that we can actually store our china. Right now our china is sitting in the baby's room. It's very likely that our precious, delicate plates will be the baby's first toys.

My desk is pretty much set up and ready for me to begin working from home tomorrow. I still have another stash of work related items upstairs that need to go into my new desk, but there just isn't enough room. I barely had room for all my fun choking hazards. It's much more important to display my matryoshka (nesting dolls) from Georgia (the country), Mardi Gras cats from New Orleans, mini zen garden where my coqui frogs from Puerto Rico spend their days relaxing in the sand, my zebra bowl from Tanzania, fertility dolls (that so don't work) from Zimbabwe, wooden fish from I don't remember where, and my crazy wooden cat from Key West. Some I bought on my own, some were gifts, all of them are more important than a tape dispenser and other office supplies. The zebra bowl has form and function, it holds my binder and butterfly clips.

The Big E (huge New England fair type thing) was awesome. Howie and I went with my sister and brother-in-law. I ate everything, well, almost everything. I had 2 large cups of fresh lemonade, fried dough, chocolate covered banana (which I dropped all over my white tank top), apple crisp, apple cider, apple cider doughnut, loaded baked potato, some soda, pizza, some more soda, and then Howie bought me a caramel apple to bring home. I didn't eat everything I hoped to eat. I missed out on the huge caveman-like turkey leg, milk & cookies, maple candy, hot dog, fudge, and cotton candy. Even though I didn't eat everything I did pretty damn well considering my digestive system has slowed down and I normally become insanely full after eating an orange. Howie and I bought a few other items while we were at the Big E. We bought a stained glass Star of David to hang in our window so that the neighborhood is aware that a couple of Jews have moved in, a drug rug (catnip blanket) for our cat, and a little cuddly blanket with a lamb head on it for the baby. This morning I was sitting at my desk about 3 feet away from the chair that my cat, Kirby, was sleeping on. I started to open the bag that contained the drug rug, Kirby immediately awoke. He jumped off the chair and started to sniff the bag in my hands. I took the drug rug out and threw it down on the floor in front of me. He was on that blanket almost before it hit the floor. He licked it, bit it, scratched it, and rolled on it. He's in love. After a few moments his eyes were glazed over and he was all tripped out. I think he's pretty pleased with the gift.

So, tomorrow is the big day! In about 12 hours Howie and I will hopefully know if we're having a boy or a girl! I can't wait. I keep going back and forth in my head, "it's a boy" "no it's a girl" "no way, Howie's always right, it's a boy". I won't have to wonder much longer.

New Doctor, Doula, and New Home

Howie and I went to our first appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday. The staff at the new OB/GYNs office is a thousand times better than the staff at the old OB/GYNs office. The nurses are more friendly and talkative and the one doctor that I met so far was really nice. She's also REALLY attractive. The only thing about Dr. Hot Stuff that bothered Howie was the way she sounded when she spoke. I didn't notice anything, except that she sometimes over pronunciates like Ross on Friends.

Dr. Hot Stuff asked us if Dr. P (who's staff STILL hadn't sent my records to my new doctor)had done a screening for Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13. I said that we hadn't and she told us that if we wanted to do that we had to do it immediately because it was almost too late. We decided to do it just so that we can prepare ourselves. Dr. Hot Stuff measured my belly and then we all listened to the heartbeat. It looks like everything is the way it should be. We have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. We're looking forward to finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl.

Last night was our first birthing class with the doula. There's only one other couple that attends the class. I like that it's a small class. The doula, who we can call R until I can come up with a better name, asked us a bunch of questions. Howie knew more than me and the other couple. Somebody does a lot of reading. No, really, it's very cute that he knows so much. She also taught us about the stages of labor, we talked about our discomforts during our pregnancies, and she went over a few other things. At the end of the class she did a relaxation exercise. She said that every week she'll be doing one at the end of the class. We really liked the class and our doula. We went home with some homework. We had to look up some birthing plans online and come up with a rough birthing plan. The other thing is that if we like music she wanted us to go home and pick a song or a list of songs that help us relax. We then need to start to listen to the music while relaxing in bed, that way when I listen to it during labor it will remind me of being relaxed. Sounds good to me. I'm a huge music person so I'll really enjoy picking out some relaxing music.

The new house is good. It's nice to be back in CT. A few neighbors introduced themselves to us the first day we were here. Now, this may not seem unusual to many of you but for Howie and I it was. Before I go on I'd like to say that I love the DC Metro Area, it's a great place and I met many wonderful people. If I didn't like it I wouldn't have lived there for 6 years of my life. That being said, when Howie and I moved into our townhouse community in Springfield, VA in 2003 NO ONE introduced themselves to us. We'd say hi to people, wave, be nice when we spotted a neighbor, but nobody would show any interest in getting to know us. Nobody spoke to each other, unless they both had kids around the same age, then they'd talk when they had to. Maybe it was just our community, I'm not saying it's like that all over the area, but that was our experience. Anyway, our new neighbors are awesome. We got to the house a few days before the movers did. On the day that the movers arrived a couple of our neighbors stopped by to see if we needed anything, offered to help after the movers left, it was really nice. The couple that lives right next to us had us over to their house, gave us all their take out menus, their phone numbers just in case we needed something, the number of their plumber friend so that we can fix our plumbing problems, the husband drove Howie to the closest train station so that he could see where it is and then told Howie that he could park at the gas station that he owns only a few steps away from the train, and the wife printed up the train schedule because we didn't have our internet hooked up yet. I could go on and on about how kick ass our neighbors are but I think the only people who are truly excited about that are Howie and I. We still have a lot of boxes to unpack and it's making me crazy. When Howie and I have enough time alone we get a lot done. Howie is fast, and I'm always more productive when I have my iPod on, so this weekend we'll be unpacking like mad crazy! I can't wait to be completely unpacked so that we know where everything is and so that we can just relax.

Last bit of baby news, today is the first day that I could feel the baby kicking on the outside! I love it. I've been told that I won't enjoy all the kicking later, but for now it's pretty cool.