Desperate

I need a job. My husband needs a job. I don't want to turn my daughter into a child actor just so that we have enough money to pay the mortgage. Don't worry people, that isn't going to happen. I just want her job to be being a kid. Howie had an interview last week and we're hoping he'll get it because if he does we'll have FREEEEEEEEEEEEE medical again. I had an interview yesterday for the most boring job imaginable. I would be an HR assistant at the hospital. What does that mean? That means I'd be answering phones and dealing with people who come into the office. What is that REALLY called? A R.E.C.E.P.T.I.O.N.I.S.T. people! Yes, there's nothing wrong with being a receptionist but I already did that job - FIVE years ago. While it was a wonderful job because I got to know everyone from the delivery guys to the company president I really don't want to do it again. I feel that I have done all I can do with that position and I really would rather do something else. The lady that interviewed me seemed to think I should be looking for jobs above the administrative assistant level because of my work experience and I couldn't agree with her more. The only problem is that I'm STILL working on my degree. Let me share my story about college and me. Right after high school I had to attend a community college because my "gifted" brother spent all of my parents' money on his college education and also because my asshole guidance counselor told my mother that I was stupid and wouldn't be able to make it at a real college which she accepted because... well... that meant that she wouldn't have to pay for a real college. FUCK YOU MR. FULLER! Yeah, am I allowed to use his real name? Fuck him! He has retired since then so he won't be getting in the way of anyone else's college education. I wanted to major in interior decorating but I couldn't because my ghetto ass college didn't have that major available. So I was told that I should major in fine arts because that's so totally the same exact thing as interior decorating. I hated that more than life itself and thought that maybe they'd have something like advertising available as a major because that was an interest of mine as well. They didn't have that either so my brother (the gifted one with the expensive college education) suggested I do marketing. So I switched to marketing which wasn't bad but I just felt brain dead in the classes at this college. Now, before everyone starts to think I'm a bitch and that I think community college is for stupid people, that's not true. I know that it's inexpensive option for people who can't afford 4 years at an expensive university. No problem. I know that there are MANY smart people who attend community colleges. That being said, I think that the people in my classes were fucking stupid, or maybe it was just that I attended a REALLY good high school that prepared the students for college really well. I don't know, all I know is that my brain was numb because while we were duscussing the Opium Wars the students somehow were able to get the teacher off track by getting her into a whole discussion about Pot and Chow Yun-Fat. Seriously. It happened ALL THE TIME. I had to start taking notes for the stupid non-educational discussions so that I'd keep my mind from wondering, otherwise I'd miss when we started discussing the REAL topic. It saddened me when I realized there were more notes on Pot than there were on the Opium Wars. I eventually dropped out because working in retail pushing body lotion and shower gel was more stimulating for my brain than attending classes. I moved to VA when my brother went overseas for a year. I lived in his apartment for free and became a co-manager at B&BW. I decided to stay in the area because Howie and I were dating and wanted to move in together. I wasn't going to school, just working a billion hours at the store. Then 9/11 happened and I decided forcing people to buy at least $30 in shower gel and lotion wasn't important in life. That's when I got the receptionist job at the company I work(ed) for now. I also decided to go back to school - online. I chose to major in information systems for some reason. I had a 4.0 but it was boring. After Howie and I got married I decided that I wanted enroll in another school to get a B.S. in holistic nutrition and an N.H.D. I'm still working on that now. So, I really don't have any kind of degree in anything because I can't make up my mind and I'm also a tad pissed I never went to a real college. Anyway, I don't regret any of it because if things didn't go that way then I wouldn't be married to Howie and we wouldn't have Aislinn. While this path has lead me to a VERY happy personal life it has not provided me much for my professional life. I can totally do anything I want. My brother and sister both have masters degrees but when my sister ended up unemployed and not able to get a job in the field she had been working in and specifically educated for she freaked out. She was scared about having to do something that she didn't have a degree for. She asked me how she was going to do a job she didn't know how to do. Every job I've ever done I have had no idea how to do going into it. Sure, the receptionist job wasn't difficult because you can probably train a monkey to answer phones. I will say that some phone systems are really fucking complicated and sometimes require a PHD to use. Monkeys can't learn how to opperate one of those... but I did. Being an office assistant mostly requires that you move fast, stay organized, and bullshit a lot of the cranky office staff. Not that bad though. Being a program coordinator, that's a whole new ball game. I didn't know how to get concurrences, I didn't know about the area we worked in, I didn't know how to hire a consultant, I didn't know squat. In the end I was doing it all and I even got to travel to Zimbabwe and pretend I knew what the hell I was doing with a certain health organization. You don't need a fucking degree to do half of this shit, but in order to get people to give you a chance you do. Either that or you have to show them you can do it, which is how I got to be a program coordinator. So now that I've made a short story long, I don't know if I'll get this stupid HR job at the hospital or not. I could use it because money would be good, but I REALLY don't want to be away from Aislinn all day. I've been with her every day since she was born and every time I think about putting her into daycare my heart breaks. I don't think that anyone who chooses to or has to put their kid into daycare is a bad person at all. You have to do what you have to do and I don't think that's wrong at all. If you have to do it so that you have extra income that's fine, I probably will have to. If you are someone who needs to get out of the house and work, interact with adults everyday, that's fine too. It's really not the quantity of time you spend with your child, it's the quality. You have to do what you have to do to make you happy so that you will be a good parent when you are with your child. If working outside the home is what makes you happy then I think you should do that. I thought that I'd go crazy being home with her all the time, I thought I would be the kind of person who wanted to get out of the house and be at the office. I didn't think that I'd have such a hard time with the though of putting her in daycare, but it's killing me. I LOVE that I've been here to see every new thing that she does. I hate that in the future I may not be the first person to see her crawl or walk. I also hate that someone else is going to be the one that knows what to do to make her happy during the day. Right now I'm the one that knows what she wants and how she wants it. I think that getting up in the morning and going to work as the HR assistant at the hospital would be hard enough because it bores me to death, but leaving her with someone else so that I can go to work as the HR assistant is going to be much harder. If I have to leave her I feel like it has to be something that I might actually enjoy. However, I don't think anyone is going to hire me to do a job that I would enjoy.

What to do? I really just want to find some way to work from home, and if not that then I want create a business of my own. I don't know what the hell that would be right now. I need something and I'd prefer to be my own boss and to give myself a job. Who wouldn't? If any of my friends that are reading the blog have any thoughts or ideas, don't leave them in the comments, email me.

I know I've been missing again. I've been working, we've been visiting family, Aislinn is growing. I have had no time for myself at all lately. I attempted to give myself a pedicure but that didn't work out. I think I need a bubble bath and a pedi. Maybe some other at-home-spa treatments. Maybe this weekend? Maybe not? Who knows.

Updates on Aislinn:
1. She puked in my mouth today. It tasted sweet and it was also REALLY gross. Nothing like having your own breast milk regurgitated back into your mouth.

2. She is nearly crawling. She's pushing herself up in front and in back, then she rocks herself front to back and collapses. Very cute!

3. Her new favorite thing is drinking straight out of mommy's water bottle or out of a cup. This is of course with help from mommy or daddy. She doesn't just pick up a cup and drink from it. Let's not be silly!

4. She has two words. Ma ma and Ba ba! Seriously! She knows I'm her Ma ma! She reached for me and said "Maaaa". When she was super hungry one morning she grabbed my shirt (trying to breastfeed) and said "MA MA BA BA". I think that loosely translates to "Mommy, give me some boob milk! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!" I'm just guessing though.

5. Her favorite hang out spot is now her exersaucer. It's colorful, it's fun and it plays some awesome carny music. What else could you ask for. Honestly?

6. Her favorite non-toy toys are TiVo, the modem and the wireless router. We'll have to rearrange some things in the TV stand.

7. Her very bestest friend in the whole wide world is our cat, Kirby. When she sees him she drops everything. Eating, playing, diaper changes, nothing matters when Kirby walks into the room. She MUST touch his soft, shiny, smooth, black fur.

8. She has a real giggle now. It's the cutest baby giggle in the world.

I guess that's all I have for you. Thanks for reading all of that boring crap about me at the beginning. I love all y'all!