Dear Blogger, I was crazy! Don't let tired people blog. Hugs & Kisses, Amy

Blogger should require bloggers to prove that they aren't sleep deprived before they blog in order to prevent crazy ass entries like my last one. Maybe I should go to my acupuncturist twice a week to get some help with my sleeping habits. I always sleep better after a treatment, the rest of the time I lay awake thinking WAY too much. Doesn't matter how tired I am, I still obsess over anything that comes to mind and before I know it it's 4:00 AM.

Yes, it's not exactly early now but my head is slightly more clear. My head is always clear on Friday night. I can stay up late, the hubby is home and I know that he is here to make coffee and omelettes, to feed and play with Aislinn while I get to relax by having needles stuck in me. It's sweet. So the cramping, the sleepiness, the intense acid reflux, crying for no real reason.... pregnancy? ovarian cancer? I no longer think so. I'm pretty sure that it's just my angry old uterus getting sick of holding on to all of it's thick, heavy, useless lining. It's getting ready for a major purge but it's lazy and it takes it awhile to get going. I've been peeing on pee sticks like I have nothing else to do and they all laughed at me as the big NEGATIVE sign popped up in that little window. Damn pee sticks! The plan is to see my acupuncturist tomorrow for a hardcore session of needling. Hopefully I'll be getting hit with the big red wave soon. By now it has probably worked it's way up to being a big red tsunami.

On the baby fever front we're planning to make plans. Very exciting! I have an appointment with Dr. Hot Stuff on March 17th! Happy St. Patrick's Day to my unlucky charms. I'm expecting to receive some birth control and I will ask for the CA-125 blood test so that I can sleep at night. We will also discuss defrosting Frosty and all that good stuff. I'm already decorating Aislinn's "big girl" room in my head and redecorating the nursery for Frosty... but I know I should slow down because this whole process is unpredictable. I will hold off on any major design plans until I am good and pregnant.

Howie & Amy +1 and Late Night Talks with Dr. Google

So, earlier this week I was trying to catch up on all the Oprah shows on the dvr and there was Jon & Kate + 8. For those of you who don't know WTF I'm talking about you should check out the link. It's this couple who say they are considered a "fertility nightmare". They had trouble producing (know what that's like) so they did an IUI and had twin girls. Sweet! Then she had baby fever and begged the hubby to have another because she wanted to know what it would be like to have ONE baby at a time. They did another IUI and she had a litter of 6. So now there are EIGHT kids in the house and she is my new hero because even though she has a few people over to help she's still an amazing super mom with a clean house and still finds time to be a hot mom. I feel so fat and lazy and messy when I watch them on tv. So, now I'm obsessed with them and have to watch them on TLC (they're on Discovery & TLC... I think... or did I somehow stumble upon Discovery?) Now that I sat here and watched this couple deal with the 8 kids and even take them on a trip to Disney World I have become insanely motivated around here. I can't have a messy house if theirs is clean, and they read the 100 emails they get every day. I am still only responding to email here and there and even have some unread email going back to when Aislinn was just a month old. So embarrassing! I suck. And I think they blog! I quit blogging for months. I need to get my ass in gear! So, I have been cleaning around here like I'm Monica Gellar on Friends. It's not perfect yet, but we're getting there. I also started to read that book I think I mentioned in the last post, but if not here you go. I'm reading Oprah's new book club selection A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'm going to take the web class thingy that she's doing. It's a great book and it is an awakening like Oprah and all her celeb friends claim it is and I LOVE it. So I recommend it, and I recommend watching Jon & Kate + 8. They're funny and you will enjoy it.

On to why the holy hell I'm up at 2:30 AM. I was going to bed earlier but I was laying in bed wondering about something my mother-in-law keeps bringing up and why the fuck I'm cramping, feeling sick, the back pain, all the gas & acid reflux. So I ran downstairs to consult Dr. Google and now I'm starting to spazz out a tad but lucky the Sandman is taking over and telling me to get my ass to bed so I will quickly confide in you, my lovely blogosphere friends. First of all, I will admit that my relationship with my MIL hasn't been the most fab and she often rides my ass about everything because if she isn't riding someone about something she might just explode (part of things I'm trying to deal with and learn to love her regardless of her bitchiness) but I do believe that this time her intentions are good and I know when it comes to this she genuinely cares. She had colon cancer a few years back and won her fight with it (YAY!) so now she is very big on cancer prevention and she whole heartedly believes in having any test you can to be sure nothing funky is growing inside of you. I can't blame her and I agree. Catching it early is pretty much key. So anyway, she's discovered this blood test that anyone can have to find out if you have ovarian cancer, CA-125. I guess it's expensive but if it can save your life who cares, right? I have no problem doing it but I'm waiting for our new insurance cards in the mail (any day now) and then I will be sure to get into see Dr. Hot Stuff and ask for the blood test. So, anyway she mentions that I need to be tested like all the time, every time I see her. Oy! I will, I will! So, I'm laying in bed with these weird cramps and strange back pain that isn't a result of the cramps (usually it is when it's menstrual cramping) and serious nausea. I'm not knocked up because I've nearly been peeing on a stick everyday. I start to think about how PCOS and ovarian cancer are loosely linked and I start to wonder if I've got cancer all over my ovaries. So I obsess and I obsess and I decide that there's no falling asleep next to Howie and all his snoring so I might as well ask Dr. Google what the symptoms are and unfortunately I've got them, HOWEVER those symptoms can go with anything. Perhaps my fluffy uterus is working up to expelling it's 3-4 months worth of lining, who knows. I don't know. I'm probably freaking myself out but I was laying in bed thinking of how awful it would be to miss out on Aislinn's life. She's amazing and how I LOVE our closeness. She is my sweet little love bug. I can't imagine being too sick to flip her upside down and run around together. I love the way she laughs when I toss her onto the couch and play peek-a-boo with her from behind the pillows. Even worse than being too sick to do that would be to just not be here with her at all. I have to stop thinking like that now. Even if I do have some sort of cancer growing on my ovaries it would likely be quite new. I mean, with all the ovary watching during fertility treatments and the fact that I had ultrasounds done too look at my uterus and ovaries after I gave birth to Aislinn I'm sure it would have been caught then. I have to just calm down and get the blood test done and probably get my crazy ass back in birth control because exposing my body to high levels of testosterone and estrogen isn't helping me. I can work on getting my health together naturally and then when I have that under control I can come off the birth control but in the meantime I think I need to be on it. I have to anyway to get my cycle back on schedule because if I am all healthy and good we're hoping to maybe defrost Frosty for a possibly transfer in June maybe. Just a thought.

Ok, my thoughts are probably all out of whack from my intense sleepiness at this point so I should go.

Baby Fever

Yes, baby fever. Babies seem to be popping up around me everywhere, or maybe I'm starting to notice pregnant people and itty bitty powdery smelling babies again. I don't know but the baby fever is intense. I'm dying to get knocked up again. I miss being pregnant, even being sick and having to sleep sitting up for 4 months. I loved feeling Aislinn moving around inside of me. I loved getting to know her like that before she was born. I also miss the smallness of a new born. The thing I want the most is for our family to grow and for Aislinn to be a big sister. I know she would be a wonderful big sister. She is so sweet and so gentle with others. She likes to pat the other kids at playgroup on the back or hold their hands and today she even fed one of the other kids cherios. She has a baby doll and while she sometimes drops her on her head she also likes to take her out of her cradle and feed her a bottle. She's going to be an amazing big sister. I think the baby fever is so bad that my head is starting to play games on me. Lately my boobs have been hurting, I've been nauseated on and off, car sick for sure, tired, and yesterday I started to cry in the car for no good reason. I doubt that my dysfunctional ovaries miraculously popped out an egg around the same time that one of my husband's unmotivated tadpoles actually swam up and then the two actually bumped into each other and had the energy left to unite. That alone would be amazing, but it would be unbelievable if that adorable little embryo snuggled up with the wall of my uterus and set up camp. I'd love that but it seems so unlikely. I really can't believe there are people out there that just have to have sex to have a baby. I wish it was that simple for me. Anyway, I bought a bunch of pee sticks and so far the pee sticks have told me that my uterus is a barren and cold place. No baby in sight. It's crazy because I've nearly broken down and sobbed like 3 times today and the last time I was like that I had a bun in the oven. Oh well, what can you do? Someday soon we'll take frosty out of the freezer and see if there's any frost bite.

Hello Again!

So, it's been a while. I was going to give up on blogging... scratch that... I had given up on blogging. Life with a little one has been busy and it has been hard to manage the rest of my life. I guess I'm just not that good at balancing life, but I'm working on it. I thought about creating another blog with a different name because maybe I didn't always want to talk about my lazy ovaries, however, I think my lazy ovaries are tied to other challenges in my life so maybe it is a good name for my blog. Who knows, but here I am. I missed putting my thoughts and feelings down and if you want to read that's great, and if you don't that's fine too. I just need an outlet.

Aislinn is 12 1/2 months old now. Yup, she's 1!!! She's smart, strong and beautiful. We love her and everything she does. She took her first step right before Thanksgiving but didn't get the hang of it until a day after Christmas. Now she runs around and talks and laughs and plays. She has full tantrums and she also gives the best kisses. She always dances when she hears music and claps when she finishes something she worked really hard at. She is absolutely the love of my life and she loves me back.

Howie is going back to work in NYC. He'll be making more money, not a crazy amount, but we should be able to pay our bills and save some cash too. He's going to be working with his father, groomed to take over his dad's job. His dad is the president so someday we hope to live comfortably. Right now I'm looking forward to someday moving out of this tiny itty bitty condo. With Aislinn and her toys and our furniture there just isn't any room. Not even for things that I'd like to use, like muffin pans and wine glasses. A average size house that is NOT attached to another home would be great. I mean, Aislinn can take out her shape sorter and dump the shapes on the floor and then take out her Little People Noah's Ark and suddenly the whole living room/dining room/office area is totally trashed. The whole being attached to other homes is an issue because while I LOOOOOVEEE my fabulous neighbors I don't love their cigarette smoke. Perhaps they don't mind the possibility of lung cancer but I would not like that for myself or my family. I can't ask them to not smoke in their home but it's leaking into our house. It's gross! The other thing is that I can hear them talking, vacuuming, music, showering & running up and down the stairs. We try to not hear other things they may like to do. The other day I was giving Aislinn a bath and I swore that I heard someone walking around in our house and then I could hear someone running up the stairs and even felt the vibrations in the floor but it was actually my neighbor! WTF? Not their fault it's just that it's a shitty condo. So, we'll just hope that we'll be able to buy a house someday soon.

Me? I'm still seeing a nutritionist and going to acupuncture. Each week I go to Mommy & Me and we also have a play group. It's nice. Aislinn absolutely gets to socialize and so do I. I'm trying to work through some emotional issues, nothing earth shattering but I think I just haven't focused on my inner self in a while and now there's plenty of spring cleaning to do. I have decided to take part in Oprah's online class and read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. I need to get reading because the class starts pretty soon.

So that's about all there is now. I hope to be back soon so check in every once in a while... or not... it's up to you.