Aislinn Turns 2!

Hi there. Sorry to write such a weepy post and then not return. I'm still sad and we have talked about adoption (thanks D.K.). We actually talked about adoption a while ago. At this point we don't have enough money for adoption or IVF so, maybe we'll revisit that someday but for now we're just trying to keep our heads above water. I guess in that sense it's good that I'm not about to have a baby in 10 days.

So, Aislinn turned 2 on January 29th. We spent her actual birthday alone with her. We didn't have family or friends over, we just wanted it to be the 3 of us. I pretty much let her have her way all day unless she was doing something naughty. We had so much fun. Our neighbors came over with a cake around lunch time and the kids played and then had some cake. She took a short nap, the shortest nap ever. When Howie came home we opened gifts, had dinner, made cupcakes with Aislinn and then ate them. Then she had a bath and went to bed. It was a good day.

On Saturday we had her birthday party at The Little Gym. It was the easiest and most fun birthday party ever. I want to have my birthday party there. LOL. The kids ran around and played on the gym equipment but we also played with the air track that blows up and they jump on, and the parents were allowed on too! We played with the parachute, bubbles, this giant wheel that they got to roll over. It was a good time. Then we ate cake which I made so that it was peanut free for my niece, vegan for my neighbors, and gluten free for a friend of ours. It was tasty. Family came back for lunch and to open gifts. My sister, brother-in-law, niece stayed late and had pizza with us. My sister-in-law was there for the weekend so it was nice to see her. My brother wasn't there because he's somewhere in Iraq right now. It was a really good time.

I can't believe how grown up she is. Yesterday we went in for her 2 year check-up and she got to stand on the scale, stand against the wall to be measured, had her blood pressure checked for the first time, and she got to wear a little gown. She's so grown up. I can't believe it.

I made a montage of her second year. She was such a baby last year and now she looks like a big girl! Ok, enjoy the montage!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pregnancy Symptoms?

Ugh, I'm on birth control but it's sugar pill week and I have not yet had my period. The whole reason I'm on birth control is to make sure my period comes and then goes. I clearly don't need it for pregnancy prevention. How silly. I did eat some grapefruit though so I guess if I were the lucky type I could have gotten pregnant. That so doesn't happy to me though, let's not be ridiculous. I am extra weepy lately though. I have no problem breaking down and crying over absolutely nothing at all. And I've been sooooo nauseated. I don't even want to think about eating. So, what the hell is going on with all the symptoms. Ugh. I love the worst of the symptoms when a baby is involved but there is no such thing right now. I peed on a stick on Saturday night and then again last night. BFN. Why do I bother? I hate pee sticks.

Maybe it's just me. No joke, EVERYONE I know in town is pregnant. Ok, just EVERY woman. If they're not currently pregnant they just had a baby. I really can't take it anymore. I feel like my head will explode. My husband told my neighbor that I'd be coming to her Pampered Chef party yesterday because he thought it would be good for me to get out. Are you kidding me? The moment I walked in her door I went straight for the bottle of wine and filled up my glass. I stood there for an hour drinking as much wine as possible so I wouldn't break down in front of everyone. I'm usually a happy drunk so I was thinking that if I got drunk enough I wouldn't care that my neighbor's pregnant belly finally popped and I lived through watching guest after guest getting a tour of the nursery. About 1 1/2 bottles later I was able to take the tour myself. Then we had to look at pictures of her and her other pregnant friend putting their bellies together. Oh God! All I could think about is how I should be hugely pregnant right now. I should be due to have a baby a few weeks from now. I should be meeting my new baby on Valentine's Day. This whole thing is becoming unbearable. Aislinn is turning 2 on Thursday and I can't stop thinking about how quickly she grew up and how I could just go back and slow things down because I'm not going to get to do that again. I sound like her birthday makes me sad. It doesn't really, I just wish you could go back and visit little moments again.

Aislinn is great. I love her like crazy. She is more and more amazing every day. She's the best thing to ever happen to us and I'm thankful for her every day of my life. I love her so much I want more.

Happy Holidays

Just days before Christmas two of my friends had babies. I think that the fact that the babies are here somehow makes it easier on me. I thought that I'd have a massive breakdown but it turns out watching my friends BE pregnant was more tramatic for me than them actually having a newborn. I don't know. I could be wrong. I haven't actually seen the babies in person yet so who knows. Breakdown or no breakdown, I am happy for them. We were all pregnant at the same time and then I miscarried so I think that in addition to being sad about loosing the baby I was also sad that I was no longer sharing the experience with them.

Anyway, I'm dealing with the fact that I'm not pregnant and that there aren't any frozen embryos for another cycle. That's it for us unless we win the lottery. After having a pitty party for myself I got over it and decided that I have to find a way to get pregnant without IVF treatments. I have already read a lot about PCOS but I got online and read somemore. I also bought The PCOS Diet Cookbook because I'm getting bored in the kitchen and need some new ideas. I'm about to get a jogging stroller so that I can get my ass in gear. Aside from the obvious need to kick my ass to lose weight I've found two different options for PCOS in the form of supplements. The first is the Insulite Labs PCOS system which was developed to reverse the effects of PCOS. The other is FertilAid. There's a formula for both men and for women. I found it when trying to find a way to improve the morphology of sperm for Howie. I researched this all over the internet and found a lot of positive feedback about it for both men and women. I don't have my hopes up. Believe me, if it worked I'd be shocked, but there's no harm in trying. I'm not taking both suplements at the same time because I don't want to overdose on my vitamins so I'm just taking the FertilAid for women right now and Howie is taking the FertilAid for men. I'll be impressed if my period comes and goes regularly. I'm charting my basal body temperature for fun too. So far, I've got my period, but that's no surprise since I just got a BFN on the pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago. What does impress me is how light my period is. It's usually so heavy that it's a wonder that I'm able to stand up and function. So far I've been bleeding for 4 days so the trick now is getting it to stop. Once I start to bleed I don't stop. I will be sooooo excited if it stops. How nice would that be? I'm just taking baby steps. I'm trying to keep myself from daydreaming about peeing on a stick and seeing two lines. Although, I can say that if this does work and I do get pregnant I am going to freak the fuck out. I would just explode! But please, lets focus on how exciting it'll be if my period STOPS, and then starts again in the next few weeks? and then stops again! I'll have a small party with balloons and... umm... I don't know, some kind of PCOS friendly dessert! So keep your fingers crossed for me and my hopes for a normal 28 to 30 day cycle!

Negative

Umm... so I'm not pregnant. I am, however, very bitter and very pissed off and a touch of sad. I don't know what to say. I don't know if there are any frozen embryos yet. I'm very sure that my mother-in-law is all sorts of pissed off about the amount of money they "wasted" on this and I am still NOT pregnant. This does mean that I will be drunk off my ass through Chanukkah, Christmas & New Years. Happy Holidays!

Waiting

My... week 1/2 wait is over on Wednesday. In the past the two week wait started after transfer but this time it seemed to have started on the day of retrieval. It hasn't be any easier than a full two weeks. I peed on a stick on Sunday, or maybe it was Saturday, I don't know. It was negative. So were the other 2 after that. I know it's still early-ish and I know that you can get false positives when the hCG from the trigger shot is wearing off and the hormones from the possible baby are kicking in, but it seems like everyone in the world gets a positive but me. Of course, I think that's later, and this is still kind of early. I didn't do one with any of my IUIs or the IVF cycle when I got pregnant with Aislinn so I don't know what is normal for me. I just waited it out because that is what the doc advised. I wish I had done the same this time because now I'm just driving myself more crazy. I mean, I'm exhausted, I have been all day, and here I am up at 2 am!

So, possible symptoms? My boobs hurt so much. They hurt more and more each day. I'm exhausted... but I'm always exhausted. However, this really is a whole new level of exhaustion. On Friday I couldn't stay awake and I fell asleep while Aislinn watched 1 1/2 hours of Backyardigans. TV is a great babysitter! Then I woke up and played with her until it was time for lunch and then it was nap time for her and for me too. I slept for another 3 hours. Then Howie came home and I think I might have fallen asleep on the couch again. I slept just about 90% of the day on Saturday and I didn't sleep but I laid around all day on Sunday. I get winded when I walk up the stairs. I honestly have to take a minute to catch my breath when I get to the top and I'm huffing and puffing. On Friday I desperately wanted buffalo wings and on Saturday all I wanted to eat was onion. I know it seems early for cravings but I was the same way when I was pregnant with Aislinn. I started to tell myself that it's just all the hormones in my system doing it to me, but it's the way I felt when I was pregnant with Aislinn and before my last miscarriage so that's what I know. Oh, and I'm really moody. Bitchy, cranky, and weepy. A Zales commercial made me cry last night. It was really sweet. And I got a bit teary during Chuck tonight but I don't think that Howie noticed that. I have awful headaches but I don't think that's a pregnancy symptom. Well, I guess it could be. I had a brief moment on Saturday night when I was sure I was going to yack but I didn't. I felt a bit like puking tonight too but I didn't. Let's hope I don't.

Let's hope that it's not just the drugs, lets hope that one or both of the embryos have grabbed on. Now I think I can maybe get some sleep. Night night!

Day 3

I went in on Saturday for a day 3 transfer. Their paperwork said to come in with an uncomfortably full bladder. Their idea of uncomfortably full was drinking 32 oz. of water starting an hour before the transfer. Look, my family has always made fun of me for what seems like an unusually small bladder. When I was little we were evacuated from a beach home we were renting in RI because of Hurricane Bob. There was barely time to pack our stuff and our animals into the car and get home so I don't know if I just didn't remember to go to the bathroom before leaving or if I did but had to go again. We were driving home to CT in rain so heavy you could barely see outside in our ghetto minivan that would stall whenever you break for too long in rainy weather. I don't understand it but that was really the problem with the car. I waited as long as I could before asking my Dad to pull over somewhere. The whole family was so pissed off that I had to stop and pee in the middle of this storm and they were afraid the car would stall. They pulled over at a McDonald's but they still talk about the time I had to pee during Hurricane Bob. Since then I would dehydrate myself before trips or whatever so that there's no need to stop. No good, I know. One of my worries when I got pregnant with Aislinn was that I would have to pee at the most inconvenient times again. I got over it, and the fact that sneezing would make me pee, but my new clinic wanting me to come in with an UNCOMFORTABLY full bladder. The last place just said moderately full, which is something that made me anxious enough, but I wanted to do what they said because they also said in the paper work that if my bladder wasn't full enough they'd have me sit and drink more before the transfer. Man, I've never had to pass the full bladder test before. So, even though I thought it would be a bad idea I drank 32 oz. of water in an hour. I wasn't feeling too uncomfortable at first so I was getting worried that I wouldn't pass the full bladder check. When they took me back to have me change I just lied to the nurse and told her I was uncomfortably full. I said it a few more times on the way to the room so she decided to not check it with the ultrasound. Then I got really worried that when they were ready to do the transfer they'd feel that I wasn't as full as I previously said. Within like 2 minutes of waiting in the room I got uncomfortably full. The doc came in and asked how many we'd like to transfer. We asked what the embryos were like. Turns out we still had 8 embryos but it was obvious which ones were the best already so they didn't think it was necessary to wait until day 5. He went through the grading of the other embryos. There was a 4 cell, slow, 6 cell, still a bit slow but maybe it'll make it, others were 8 but two of those 8 rocked and those were the ones they recommended for transfer. I felt my bladder getting fuller and fuller so I just said "Lets do the two! I'm sold! Sounds great!" The nurse came in, we signed the paperwork, confirmed our identities and I laid back. The doc was all about making sure I was comfy. I told him that I wasn't because of the full bladder and the nurse pressing down on it with the ultrasound. One thing that distracted me from my discomfort was the screen they had on the wall that was hooked up to the microscope in the lab. They put our dish under it and there was a drop on it. You couldn't make anything out in it but then they zoomed in and there they were, the tiniest little embryos. I know they're tiny but I could never really wrap my head around it until I saw them on the screen. They sucked them up and brought them in. At this point I was really concerned about peeing on the doc and I let him know it was a possibility. I just wanted to give him fair warning. They got them in before I exploded but as soon as they did I asked if I really had to lay there for 20 minutes before I peed. Normally I'm all for it but the need to pee was far beyond everything else at this point. So the nurse told me she could give me a bed pan. I don't care who looks at my girlie parts but peeing in a bed pan with people around? I realized I was horrified with that idea but I had to take the bed pan. Howie thought it was funny. I thought that I had peed as much as I could but she emptied it and said I had about 5 more minutes, about 2 minutes after that I had to go again so badly I thought that I might cry so I made Howie go out and tell her so she let me up early. I tried to walk and not run but it was more like a run to the bathroom and I had never felt better in my life.

So, sorry this whole post is about pee, but I felt like the peeing had overshadowed the embryo transfer that day. When we got home Aislinn was so excited to see me and it was hard to explain to her that she couldn't climb on top of me and that Mommy couldn't pick her up. We had already decided that she'd spend the weekend with my in-laws because she's very attached to me and it would have been a difficult weekend with her. Howie felt it would be easier for me to rest and all of that if she weren't here. She's actually still at my in-laws but she's coming back tomorrow. I miss her like crazy! We've talked to her over skype every night and she got a little weepy each time and actually told us "I cry" which broke my heart. I can't wait to give her a million kisses when she gets home.

So, that's the story. I have a picture of the picture of the embryo. Our scanner isn't working so I couldn't scan it.

EIGHT!

Yeah, two posts in a matter of an hour or so. Wow! Ok, so I got a call from my clinic and out of the 15 eggs retrieved there were 11 mature and 8 of them fertilized! We have EIGHT embryos!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! Wooohoooooo!!! Ok, now we just have to get to day 5.

I've been sleeping

Hi blogosphere. I haven't been posting because I've been dead tired and sleeping whenever I can but here's a quick update for you.

I started my Lupron injections around November 13th... I think it was the 13th. I started my Follistim and Menopur injections on November 22nd and lowered the dose of Lupron. This past Monday, December 1st, we got the green light to take the trigger shot. I took it at 12:30 am that night and went in yesterday (Dec. 3) for an 11:30 egg retrieval. Last time they got 13 eggs which was disappointing to me but this time they got out 15. The extra two they got out this time made all the difference to me, why I don't know. I'm just crazy happy that after just 9 days on the meds (rather than 3 weeks at my old clinic) I was ready for retrieval and with fewer days on the meds, less needling and less probing I produced 15 eggs. I'm so in love with Doc Major. I don't know how many embryos we have yet, but I'll find out between 12 & 2pm. I can't wait to find out how many we have. They wanted to do ICSI this time too. They have us scheduled for a day 3 transfer at 11:50 am but hopefully they will reschedule for a day 5 transfer on Monday. Fingers, toes, legs, arms & eyes are all crossed.

Until then I will try to spend as much time as I can with Aislinn. No more playing horsey soon, or spinning around and falling to the ground outside. Not being able to do the things she loves to do makes me feel sad. I know it'll be ok and I'm being silly but I just feel guilty about changing things up on her. In 9 months she could be a big sister and she doesn't know it could be coming. I know it'll all work out and she might need time to adjust but it'll all work out just fine in the end. I know it'll be exciting and all of that but I so love my time with Aislinn and it's harder on me than it probably will be on her when it has to change. I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe nothing will change at all. I'm just going to have a good time with Aislinn and do as much as I can with her before the transfer.

Speaking of Aislinn, here are some new pics of her.