Night Before the Thaw

Howie, Aislinn & I are in VA for the FET. If all goes well the appointment is scheduled for 1:30 pm. My best friend, Brenda, is going to babysit Aislinn while we're at the clinic. I was feeling good and having a good time up until now. I have been trying to keep my mind off of the whole defrosting Frosty thing. Tomorrow we'll find out what happens. My stomach is in knots and I'm starting to obsess about the odds that our one little frozen embryo will survive the thaw. I know the odds aren't great and we only have one shot at this. I love Aislinn and if she's our only child that'll be fine. She's beautiful and amazing. We are so grateful for her. I would just LOVE to give her a little brother or sister. I just want a shot at it, I just want Frosty to thaw well. After that we'll worry about the next step. Keep your fingers crossed for us. We need it!

Fire Baby

As you know from my last post, we started off Mother's Day by burying Howie's grandmother in Long Island. Before heading to the funeral we had time to squeeze in a Mother's Day cupcake for breakfast along with some Starbucks coffee. Yum! We got to LI a little before the funeral, just in time for a quick lunch at a diner. I had a super greasy and extra tasty bacon cheese burger with sauteed onions. Why not? Aislinn enjoyed some strawberries that I brought for her and then she had some of grandma's toast and I think some of grandpa's french toast. When we finished up there we went to the cemetery and waited for Howie's grandma's body to arrive. We talked to the Rabbi about his grandma. While we were there Aislinn kept wanting Howie's mom to hold her and kept giving her kisses like she knew she needed a little extra love. It was sweet. She was being cute and making everyone smile even though it was a sad day. She makes everything better. During the actual burial Aislinn was getting hungry and a bit cranky so I put her down on the ground and she picked some little buttercup flowers that were growing in the grass. It was getting a bit cold and she had a sweater on but Howie took off his jacket to put around her. She put it over her head and was walking around with it dragging on the ground. We started to laugh because she looked like ET. After his grandmother was buried the Rabbi came over to talk to us and Aislinn gave him one of the flowers she picked and he said thank you. For the first time ever she didn't seem to want what she had given away back. We made her a bottle when we put her into her carseat and she she had finished it before we even left the cemetery. She was pretty good on the way home. She didn't sleep. She had slept for maybe about an hour, maybe less, on the way to LI but on the way home she didn't sleep. Anyway, when we got home it was a pretty normal night. She played, then we fed her dinner, and then it was upstairs for her bath. Her head felt a bit warm to me when we were getting her ready for her bath so we just quickly just used the ear thermometer. We know it's not the most reliable but we figured if she had any kind of fever it would let us know and then we'd do the more invasive rectal temp. The ear thermometer said she was fine so we put her into the bath and she was having a good time, as usual, until the end. She started to shiver so we figured it had something to do with the bath. I wrapped the towel around her and we took her into her room. She was still shaking like crazy so I put another towel around her and then Howie put a blanket around her. She continued shaking and looking really tired. We quickly got her dressed and then brought her down stairs. It was pretty early for her to be that tired but we were thinking that maybe she was just worn out from all the running around during the day and the fact that she had only taken a short nap in the car. We decided to give her a bottle so Howie went to go make it. I sat down with her on the couch and read Snuggle Puppy to her. She usually points out that the puppy has a ball when we read it but she didn't do that this time. She was sweet enough to give me a kiss at the two places in the book where I'm supposed to give her a kiss. She's such a sweetheart! Anyway, after reading the book I tried to give her the bottle but she barely opened her mouth which really weird because no matter how tired she is she is always happy to take a bottle. I still felt like her head was warm even if the ear thermometer said differently about 45 minutes before. Her body was hot too. I asked Howie to take her temperature again which he did and this time the ear thermometer said 102. We decided at this point that we should take her temperature with the rectal thermometer. That one said 103.3. We called her doctor's office and the answering service said that someone would call us in about 20 minutes. We called our parents, his said to put her into a cool bath, my mother (a former nurse) said to go to the ER. I kind of felt like since she was so out of it we should just go to the ER, which we did. When we got there her fever had gone up to 103.6. The ER doc said that her left ear was really red and he thought that it was the reason she had a fever. They gave her some Tylenol, Motrin & Amoxicillin and had us wait an hour and took her temp again. It was down to 102 and she started to perk up a tad. A half hour later the doc came back and said that we could go home once the nurse stopped by to give us a prescription for the amoxicillin. The nurse stopped by and also took Aislinn's temp one more time. It had gone down to 100. When we got home we gave her a bottle which she happily drank and then we put her down for the night. We checked on her once during the night and she seemed cool so we didn't worry too much. I got up at 6:15 am to head over to the fertility clinic for my monitoring and was back by 7:15 am. Aislinn and Howie were still sleeping so I curled back up in bed and Howie and I woke up around 9:00 am. We called her doctor and they said that we could just walk in between 9:00 and 10:00 am without an appointment. We woke Aislinn up and she was burning up again. We were going to quickly give her some Tylenol but we were all out. Yeah, I felt like an idiot! How can I not know the bottle of Tylenol is empty? How can I not have like 2 back up bottles? What kind of Mom am I? So we got her dressed and Howie made her a bottle for the car, which she pushed away. When they took her temp at the doctor's office it was 103.7 and she was barely moving again. They gave her some Motrin and the doc took a look at her ears. He said that he didn't think they looked too bad and there wasn't any fluid in there so he thought the redness was more of a symptom of the fever than the cause. Her throat was red so he took a couple of swabs to get a culture for a strep test and the quick test said it wasn't strep but they sent out the second swab just to be sure. He then wanted to rule out a UTI or kidney infection so we tried to get Aislinn to pee into a bag but she wasn't drinking any fluids so who knows how long we'd have to wait for a bit of pee, plus the pee in the bag wouldn't necessarily be sterile enough so we might have had to catheterize her in the end anyway so we just decided to let them put a catheter in so that we could get a urine sample. That was awful! I hated it and I know she hated it too. I hate bringing her in for shots but I really felt guilty about letting them poke and prod her but we needed to rule that out and it looked like the urine sample was clean. So, the next thought is that it's just some kind of virus or whatever and we just have to try to keep her fever down and get her to drink. He said we could take her home to see if maybe she'd be more willing to drink some fluids at home once her temperature went down, but if we couldn't manage that at home then we'd have to bring her to the hospital where she could get an IV. Fortunately her temperature did go down and she drank a few 5 oz bottles, had a few wet diapers, and played a lot. She also had a strawberry! She had her last bottle and fell asleep around 8:00 or 8:30 pm so I put her down in her crib. We woke her up about an hour ago for another dose of Motrin and to take her temp and it was up to 102.8. Her whole body was hot and sweaty again. We tried to give her a bottle but she refused it so we used a syringe to squirt some pedialyte into her mouth. She just seemed really tired so we let her go back to sleep and we'll just have to check on her again later. Hopefully her fever will go down and she'll be feeling better tomorrow. It's been a crazy couple of weeks for us. I just hope that our luck gets better before the end of the month. Howie gave me my first shot of Del Estrogen tonight. It wasn't too bad but I acted like a big baby until he gave me the shot. I didn't take any birth control today and oddly enough I'm not bleeding like crazy. When I'm taking the pill I bleed, when I don't take it I don't bleed. Right! That makes sense! Whatever, maybe it'll come tomorrow. We shall see.

Un-Happy Mother's Day

Sadly, Howie's grandmother died this morning and the funeral is on Sunday. Howie's parent's didn't want to bury her on Mother's Day but Howie's crazy ass aunt has full control and she said she doesn't want her son to miss school so they are flying up from FL with the body, then we're going to quickly bury her and then his aunt and cousin will hop back on a plane and that will be that. I don't know, but when my grandfather died I think I was allowed to miss a day of school. I thought it was ok to take a moment to morn the loved one that you just lost. His aunt is a cold hearted bitch who basically just drained his grandmother's bank account so I'm not surprised that she and her son barely care. She broke the news to Howie's mother by leaving her a message on their answering machine saying "Mom died this morning(message was left around 5 pm)and I think the funeral is going to be on Sunday. I don't know if you want to come or not." Since she didn't get Howie's mother she then called Howie and told him that his grandmother died. In my opinion nobody should be calling the grandchild before speaking to the parent and telling them in a cold kind of way that his or her grandmother is dead. In the past year she called Howie twice to say that his grandmother was moments away from dying and then the next day she'd say "Oh, you're grandmother isn't going to die for a long, long time." Unfortunately this lady has full control over his grandmother and the money and apparently even had the will changed before his grandmother died. So, who knows what will come from that. Howie's parents are feeling really bad that this has happened on Mother's Day weekend but I'm not at all upset. Well, I mean, I'm more upset that Howie has lost his grandmother and his mother has lost her mother just as Mother's Day arrives. There's no reason for them to apologize. It's not like anyone wanted this to happen, it just is what it is. Unfortunately this isn't the only time this has happened to them. Howie's dad's mom died on Mother's Day when Howie was a kid. I think it's just another knock against Mother's Day for them. I hope that this doesn't ruin Mother's Day for Howie's mom forever. I hope that when the next Mother's Day rolls around she and the rest of the family will be able to focus on all of their good memories of his grandmother rather than on her death.

The Final Plan

Hi y'all! It's been a while, I know! Last week Howie and I went down to VA for the mock transfer. The lining looks good and I asked about the light bleeding and Dr. Sunshine said that was normal and that the bleeding would eventually stop. For shits and giggles she decided to look at my ovaries. The right one is working real hard because I have 24! TWENTY-FOUR! follicles. Yes! That's two dozen follicles that will never pop out an egg. Shitty ovaries. What a tease! Anyhow, here's the timeline:

May 12: Go into CT fertility clinic for monitoring & start Del Estrogen

May 24: Go in for a lining check in the VA clinic

May 28: The Big Day! Keep fingers crossed while waiting to find out about how well Frosty defrosted and hopefully then have the transfer!

I'm oddly calm. I don't know why, but I am. I almost never take anything one day at a time, but that's what I'm doing this time. I don't want to over think it. All I have is one blastocyst and I have to believe that saving it and transferring it is worth it. So, the first hurdle is defrosting, if that goes well the next hurdle is the two week wait and the test. There's other hurdles but I'm honestly just thinking about the first one right now and that's all that matters to me.

So, enough about baby 2.0, what about our current baby? She's doing very well. She's all toddler now, not much baby is left. Well, her cheeks are still super baby kissable. She has 4 new molars and one new lateral incisor on the bottom. The tantrums are more frequent but she is really good at giving herself a timeout when she needs to regain her composure. Howie and I got her a little ATV for 12-36 month olds. She seems to really like it and it keeps her away from our neighbors' kid's four wheeler. It's so nice that the weather is getting warmer because I think Aislinn and I were getting cabin fever. Sometimes you need to get out and run around barefoot in the grass. Aislinn's favorite outdoor activity is picking dandelions. Luckily we have many so it's unlikely that we'll be running out anytime soon. We're really looking forward to taking her back down to VA. Our old co-workers haven't seen Aislinn in a year. I really miss everyone in my old office, specifically my former boss. She's like family and part of me wishes that we were raising Aislinn down there so that they could see Aislinn grow. I feel like I shared every other significant event in my adult life with them and when I finally got pregnant I up and left before you could even see the bump. I have always been torn between CT and VA, I doubt it'll ever end.

More About My Dysfunctional Body

So, I called my ob/gyn, Dr. Hot Stuff to tell her that the birth control wasn't exactly working 100%. I also called Nurse Killjoy. Dr. Hot Stuff's nurse called to say that I need to talk to my fertility doc, Dr. Sunshine, about my blood-gushing uterus because they don't want to tell me to do something that Dr. Sunshine wouldn't agree with. I totally understand but I called her because she told me to call her if the Yaz doesn't stop my period. Nurse Killjoy didn't call back today but I assume it's because she's waiting to get a response back from Dr. Sunshine before she tells me what the plan is. No matter what the plan is I know it's going to have to include the new fertility doc up here (we'll call him Dr. Newby for now) because I'm going to his clinic for the monitoring. However, I'm not officially a patient of theirs yet so I can't just wander in there begging them to PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE take a look at my uterus with the dildo cam and then give me something to make the bleeding stop. I have no idea why I'd bleed for two months straight while on birth control. My mom is a nurse and she seems pretty concerned about that. I usually convince myself that I have some kind of cancer in these situations, since Dr. Google hasn't given me any indication that it could be cancer I'm starting to convince myself that I'll end up needing a hysterectomy. This is what happens when I'm left up to my own devices. I just need someone to fix me or calm me down. It would be nice if someone just shook me and gave me a good smack across the face. Anyway, I'm sure I'm crazy and that I'm fine, I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be at peace again. My acupuncturist... I really need another name for her. I can't think of one so I just used the Hobbit Name Generator and it gave me Ivy Knotwise. So, let's just go with Ivy. Anyway, Ivy gave me a nice hardcore treatment on Saturday and sent me home with a bottle of herbs in tea pill form. I take 24 of the tea pills a day. I don't know, maybe it's working. It did look like my period was slowing down a few hours ago but sometimes it does that at night. I don't know. Tomorrow I could be having early labor pain type cramps and bleeding heavily again. I wish I knew what to expect.

I'm still worrying about Frosty. I'm starting to think that we should just go into debt and try to get a loan to make some fresh embryos. We could take frosty and a fresh embryo and put both in. If we're going to pay for a transfer, the drugs, and the monitoring why not go all the way? I know it's more but just doing the FET is expensive for something that has a low probability of working. My feeling is that if we're going to put an ass load of money down on making a baby we might as well go all the way and give ourselves the best chance we can. The whole thing has my stomach in knots. I know I need to focus on not getting stressed out. Maybe I should start going back to yoga? They have yoga for all the infertile stressed out ladies at the clinic up here. They have acupuncture too but I'm already seeing Ivy and I'm kind of attached to her now. I need to just calm the hell down.... and get some sleep. On that note I should get going. Night night!

FET: 5.26.08

We heard from Nurse Killjoy today. It's looking like May 26th is the date for our FET. I so badly want Frosty to set up camp for the next 9 months. I LOVE being pregnant and I want this baby. Frosty is a fighter so lets hope for the best.

I don't know if my body will be ready though. I am still bleeding. WTF? It's not super heavy but it needs to stop already. I'm soooooooo tired and I'm soooo worried that it's not going to work. I'm going to try to see my acupuncturist twice a week so that maybe my body will properly behave. We're still trying to sort things out with the fertility clinic here so that I can go in for monitoring. It's really complicated and I'm worried that something will get screwed up. I'm really stressed about that, stressed about my period, stressed about pretty much the whole process. I just want things to be simplified. Last time things were no problem at all.

Anyway, I guess that's the only update since yesterday. I'll keep all y'all posted.

Thinking About the Process

So, I've had my period for TWO MONTHS!!! I've been on birth control for a month but it barely made a difference in the flow. When I got to the sugar pills at the end of the pack the bleeding got so bad that I was going through a super absorbent tampon and heavily bleeding onto one of those giant pads every hour. The cramps on Thursday night and all day on Friday were as painful as early labor. My doctor gave me some stronger birth control and then went to see my acupuncturist on Saturday morning. I'm still bleeding now but it's not quite as strong... at the moment.

I also spoke to my fertility nurse, formally known as Nurse Killjoy. She is scheduling my mock transfer and FET. She's going to call me back this week to give me the dates. With this insane period that stops for nothing I'm pretty worried about the transfer. Our insurance is completely useless so this ONE frozen embryo is all we have. I don't know if we're really going to have enough money to ever go through a fresh cycle again. We have to put our money towards buying a home in a town with better schools for Aislinn, eventually we're going to need a new car, and just saving money would be super awesome. Aislinn may want to go to college someday. Part of me has forgotten how unpredictable and how disappointing this process can be. Somewhere in my head I'm thinking it's a sure thing. I mean, I got pregnant with Aislinn so of course this embryo will stick, of course I'll see that little flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound, sure I'll safely make it to the second trimester and absolutely we'll have a healthy baby sometime early next year. I have to remind myself that we are lucky to have Aislinn. I can't just forget about the 3 failed IUIs and the two babies that we lost before we finally succeeded. The odds of this working out aren't great. I'm back to that place where I have to constantly remind myself of the difference in having faith that things will work out and just being stupidly overly optimistic. I hate the head games that I play with myself during the two week wait. If I am lucky enough to end up pregnant there is only a brief moment of happiness because I need to remind myself that I still have to take this one step at a time. That it's not as easy as getting one positive pregnancy test, I have to get three and then we have to be sure that there's a little heartbeat a couple of weeks later. The next hurdle is getting past the 12th week, and then the 20th. I so resent the fact that getting pregnant is such a process and that if and when I get pregnant the first half of it will be spent trying to keep the excitement in until I know for sure that the pregnancy is legit. I can't believe that some people out there have fun trying to get pregnant and some people get to feel like the positive sign on a pee stick actually equals a real live baby in 9 months. I should also remind myself that I'm still lucky/blessed that I have had the chance to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I'm lucky that I had any embryos left over for a FET and for now I guess I'm going to just try to have faith that this will result in a viable pregnancy and later a real living healthy baby. Just keep your fingers, toes, arms & legs crossed for us.

Frosty the Snow Embryo

It's been over two weeks since the red wave hit and it is just ending now. I had my annual appointment with my ob/gyn scheduled for this past Monday. In order to cancel it in time I'd have to call on Friday. I didn't know if it would stop over the weekend because it seemed to be slowing down temporarily so I didn't cancel. I should have because it was flowing full force by Monday and I knew they wouldn't be able to do a proper pap smear. It was too late to cancel so I figured I'd go in and get some birth control anyway. They nurse asked me to pee in a cup before the appointment and ran off around the corner before I could tell her I was having my period and it was going to be a really gross pee sample. So I went ahead into the bathroom to basically fill up a cup of super red pee. So gross! I wrapped my hand around the cup so that people passing in the hallway wouldn't think that I just poured blood from a small dead animal into the cup. When the nurse showed me into the exam room I told her that I was still having my period and that I didn't cancel because I thought my period would be over by then and that the pee sample was a mess and all. She took my sample and actually shouted "Oh come on!" at me. Yes, thank you Nurse Bitch! She went on about how there's no way they can do a pap smear and I should have rescheduled and that this was a waste of time and shit. I couldn't believe she was so rude. I had never been talked to like that in this office and I was coming in once a week since I was 30 weeks pregnant, twice a week for the last month or so. I told her that when I scheduled the appointment I didn't know I'd suddenly get my period since I had only had it once since I gave birth and that even before I was pregnant I never knew when my period was coming and how long it would stay once it was here. Even during a period it slows down and then gets heavy and then slows down, it went back and forth so I never knew when it was truly about to stop. I explained that I needed to see Dr. Hot Stuff to get some birth control before I bothered to reschedule. I mean, my period can last a month or two and then sometimes it surprises me with just 2 weeks. I don't know. I already feel like a malfunctioning machine, I don't need some bitchy nurse treating me like some stupid freak. Maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about it because I'm all hormonal. Whatever. So she went out in the hall and I could hear her talking to Dr. Hot Stuff about how I came in with my period and that she told me that I can't get a pap smear during my period and that this could only be a birth control consultation. Dr. Hot Stuff just calmly and politely said "Ok! It's fine. It's not a problem." and then entered the room. She was nice, as always, and asked about Aislinn and chatted for a second then we talked about my PCOS and birth control and my plans for Frosty. I told her I just needed a regular pill, monthly cycle pill, for the next few months. She had free samples of ortho tri-cyclen lo and just sent me home with a bunch of those. Awesome, I don't have to spend money on bc! I know I'd have to start that to be ready for the frozen embryo transfer anyway so it's all good.

So, on to Frosty. I spoke to my old fertility doc, what hell did I used to call her? Dr. Sunshine? I think that was it. So I called the fertility office and asked if they could give her a message that I called. Less than an hour later she called back. She explained what the procedure would be and was happy that I had just started birth control. She said I'd have to go down there for a mock transfer and then again for the real transfer. She said that they wouldn't know how the embryo looked after defrosting until the day of transfer since that's when they defrost it. She explained that frozen embryos have a 70-80% chance of surviving after being frozen and that they have a pregnancy rate of 30-40%. I know those odds look bad with only one embryo to work with but she's optimistic because things with Aislinn and she said that it was a good embryo. One of my friends here in CT that has PCOS was all negative about us bothering to try with just one embryo. She also bothered to tell me one time that I should remember that it's not really a living thing yet and that I shouldn't think of it like it is one. I can't help but think of it that way. I mean, I'm not a crazy right wing super christian that is against abortion because "life begins at conception". I don't want it to sound like that's what I'm saying because if I were raped I might feel different. But this embryo is a life to me, it's a life that my husband and I made... with the help of some other people. LOL! We tried so hard to create this little embryo and no matter how things turn out, a piece of me and a piece of Howie came together and made something - the beginning of a little person. I loved all of our little embryos from the moment we heard about them and I was routing for all 5 (or was it 6) to survive. I was never planning on having 5 or 6 kids but suddenly I was thinking, they're ours! OURS! We made them! I want to give them all a chance. I want to give Frost a chance, that's it. Why did we make him/her if we never wanted to give it a chance.

The only trouble now is the insurance. I don't know how it'll work. If we had the same insurance I guess a frozen transfer wouldn't be a problem because they invested in the creation of this embryo as well. Now we're in a new state with different laws and new insurance. They might say we're required to do 4 IUIs and 4 IVF cycles before we transfer Frosty but that's craziness. I think starting with an embryo we already have could save them money and perhaps with a letter from the doc to the insurance company and maybe some more back and forth we might be able to do it. I'm not going to keep my ONE embryo frozen for much longer. That's crazy! I need to transfer this thing and if I did get pregnant with the IUIs and IVFs that they REQUIRE then I'll never get around to defrosting Frosty. I just want to see how things go with that before moving on. So, I don't know, maybe we'll have to pay for it. Howie and I agree that we want to give Frosty a chance and we are both optimistic even if people think the odds suck. I don't care.

So, I guess we need to talk to the finance department at the fertility clinic and in about 4 weeks I'm going to head down to VA for a mock transfer and then we'll move forward from there. I can do monitoring at a fertility clinic in CT where Dr. Sunshine has a fertility friend. If Frosty doesn't work out then I'll be hooked up with a new clinic. If things with the insurance work out then we're hoping to do the transfer sometime in May! That would make the due date in February. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I've Finally Been Hit By The Big Red Wave

Yes, it's true! My period has arrived and it's not too bad... so far. I don't want to jinx it. It isn't heavy like it used to be and my cramps are barely there. Now, my flow may be lighter but I'm still hating the super low flow bitches that can wear those insanely small panty liners. I love my sister-in-law but she's one of those lucky bitches that only need a panty liner. WTF, if that's how light your flow is you might as well just wear some black underwear for the 3 days you have your period and just wash your underwear at the end of the day. Anyway, I was sooooo excited about getting my period that I emailed my acupuncturist last night to let her know.

The detox is going well. The first week I cut down on some things I'll be giving up next week and I take two packets of detoxification support packets. They protect my liver and whatnot during the detox. Yesterday was my first day and I was pretty good, excluding my Mommy's Night Out dinner. All the mommy's from the playgroup go out once a month (I could go for more) and we relax with a few drinks and some yummy food. Last night we went to P.F. Changs. Sooooo good. We got the Changs chicken lettuce wraps, steamed veggie dumplings, kung pao chicken, mu shu chicken, mongolian beef, singapore street noodles, and the dan dan noodles. They were all fucking awesome! The food there is sooo good anyway, but food always tastes better when you don't have a toddler to feed and entertain. You get to eat slowly and converse with adults without interruption. I also had a couple of drinks and was feeling REALLY good and relaxed - I was thinking of going home and getting it on with Howie. Sadly this was the time that my period arrived. Maybe relaxing a bit with friends helped things along too. Back to the detox though, I started my day off with a frozen gluten free blueberry waffle. Aislinn had one too. We both love them! We eat them dry, no butter or syrup. For lunch I had a spring mix salad with just garlic olive oil. I would have put some nuts or seeds or something fun on it but I forgot to buy some at the store. It's all good. I also had an apple on the side. I'm drinking water like mad crazy. I think I'm still hyped enough to not be missing the things I'm not eating too much. I know it'll be harder later but then it'll get easier again.

Well, it's time for me to hurry up and take a quick nap before Aislinn wakes. My period always makes me sleepy and useless. Before I go, I was asked to post some pics of Aislinn so here they are!


Mmmmm! Birthday cake!


Playing with some streamers.


These streamers really are a lot of fun!


Hopefully Bren doesn't mind that I've posted this pic :) It's just a cute pic.


I so badly want to put her hair in pigtails that I gave her antennae.


"Ok, I let you play with my hair. Can you just let me text my friends in peace?"


Having fun in the snow!


Welcoming Daddy home.


Feeding baby a bottle on her mini-boppy while sitting on her mini-couch.

Oh... and I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS! to Les who just gave birth to her baby boy today!!! I am soooooo happy for her. She has been waiting a long time to have this little baby and he will be very loved.

A Different Kind of Spring Cleaning

I went to my nutritionist today for the first time in a month. Aislinn came along with me. I packed a grilled cheese sandwich, some crackers, a banana, some water & milk along with a handful of toys. She behaved the whole time which is super fabulous! They love her there, but how could you not love her? She's the most wonderful, gorgeous little girl... well... she is to me but I know that I am bias. Anyway, the nutritionist - I have to have a name for her other than "my nutritionist". I'll think about that and update you when the decision has been made. So, as I was saying, my nutritionist and I talked about how I need to lose some massive weight by June when Howie and I are hoping to go in and have Frosty transferred. I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally thanks to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah so I'm ready to get serious about weight loss. She suggested that I start a 28 day detox tomorrow. I thought about it for a few moments and then agreed. There was a woman on the detox that also has PCOS, she hasn't lost weight in 10 years but on this detox she lost 14 lbs. in 28 days! Oh, AND she got her period!!! So, I boarded that train in hopes it'll rock my world too. My nutritionist and my acupuncturist had a little powwow about me later this afternoon about me being on a detox. My acupuncturist is going to get my ass on some rockin' herbs that will make my uterus behave and possibly my ovaries too. And by herbs I don't mean wacky-tabacky, although I do smell like I've been smokin' up after the sessions where she uses moxa on me. Anyway, I'm pretty excited about the detox, the herbs and needling & reading some more chapters of A New Earth.

Aislinn is still working on pushing through some teeth somewhere in her mouth. She seems to completely come unglued at 7 pm, if not before. Other than that she's so happy. She is so cute and she is sooooo smart! I can't believe how big she is. A couple of days ago when we were at Mommy & Me I noticed that her walk was different and at first I thought "why is she walking so strangely?" but then I realize that her walk wasn't strange, it was more like a real walk. She is starting to walk like a little person rather than a baby. Unbelievable! She loves walking around outside and she doesn't get tired! We could be out for 30 - 45 minutes and she's still full of energy. It's nice having a little walking buddy. She is too flippin' cute. I can't believe Howie and I made such a perfect little person!

Relay for Life!

Tonight I'm not blogging about the many adventures of Mommyhood or my raging baby fever. Instead this entry is about the Relay for Life. My new friends - the moms in my playgroup - are all signed up and ready to participate in the Relay for Life. Here's a little bit of info from the American Cancer Society about the Relay:

Relay For Life is an overnight event that brings our community together to help support the American Cancer Society and its lifesaving mission to eliminate cancer as a major health problem. The Society works hard every day to prevent cancer and save lives by supporting groundbreaking research, affecting public policies that protect us from cancer, and educating people on how to prevent or detect cancer early. Thanks to our hardworking advocates, all six New England states now have comprehensive statewide clearn indoor air statutes.

The Society helps people with cancer by providing free rides to and from treatment, free wigs, retreats for cancer patients and their families, and a hotline manned by cancer information specialists. By calling 1-800-ACS(227)-2345, anytime, day or night, 365 days a year, people can get answers to their questions about cancer and everything related to it.

Our efforts at Relay For Life can help the American Cancer Society to keep working toward a cancer-free future.

This is my first year participating in the Relay for Life but I have many people to walk for. I walk for my mother-in-law who is a colon cancer survivor. Thankfully she is still with us and doing well. I'm also walking for a former co-worker of mine who found out not long ago that she has stage 4 lung cancer. I think about her and her family everyday and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this. I'm also relaying to remember all the people that my family, my friends, and I have lost to cancer. The ACS estimates that cancer will take the lives of over 500,000 people this year. Small children, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, best friends! I don't know all of these people and their families but I will be relaying for their lives.

If anyone out there in the blogosphere is interested in making a donation to support me and my team you can do so by visiting my personal page. Thank you.

Dear Blogger, I was crazy! Don't let tired people blog. Hugs & Kisses, Amy

Blogger should require bloggers to prove that they aren't sleep deprived before they blog in order to prevent crazy ass entries like my last one. Maybe I should go to my acupuncturist twice a week to get some help with my sleeping habits. I always sleep better after a treatment, the rest of the time I lay awake thinking WAY too much. Doesn't matter how tired I am, I still obsess over anything that comes to mind and before I know it it's 4:00 AM.

Yes, it's not exactly early now but my head is slightly more clear. My head is always clear on Friday night. I can stay up late, the hubby is home and I know that he is here to make coffee and omelettes, to feed and play with Aislinn while I get to relax by having needles stuck in me. It's sweet. So the cramping, the sleepiness, the intense acid reflux, crying for no real reason.... pregnancy? ovarian cancer? I no longer think so. I'm pretty sure that it's just my angry old uterus getting sick of holding on to all of it's thick, heavy, useless lining. It's getting ready for a major purge but it's lazy and it takes it awhile to get going. I've been peeing on pee sticks like I have nothing else to do and they all laughed at me as the big NEGATIVE sign popped up in that little window. Damn pee sticks! The plan is to see my acupuncturist tomorrow for a hardcore session of needling. Hopefully I'll be getting hit with the big red wave soon. By now it has probably worked it's way up to being a big red tsunami.

On the baby fever front we're planning to make plans. Very exciting! I have an appointment with Dr. Hot Stuff on March 17th! Happy St. Patrick's Day to my unlucky charms. I'm expecting to receive some birth control and I will ask for the CA-125 blood test so that I can sleep at night. We will also discuss defrosting Frosty and all that good stuff. I'm already decorating Aislinn's "big girl" room in my head and redecorating the nursery for Frosty... but I know I should slow down because this whole process is unpredictable. I will hold off on any major design plans until I am good and pregnant.

Howie & Amy +1 and Late Night Talks with Dr. Google

So, earlier this week I was trying to catch up on all the Oprah shows on the dvr and there was Jon & Kate + 8. For those of you who don't know WTF I'm talking about you should check out the link. It's this couple who say they are considered a "fertility nightmare". They had trouble producing (know what that's like) so they did an IUI and had twin girls. Sweet! Then she had baby fever and begged the hubby to have another because she wanted to know what it would be like to have ONE baby at a time. They did another IUI and she had a litter of 6. So now there are EIGHT kids in the house and she is my new hero because even though she has a few people over to help she's still an amazing super mom with a clean house and still finds time to be a hot mom. I feel so fat and lazy and messy when I watch them on tv. So, now I'm obsessed with them and have to watch them on TLC (they're on Discovery & TLC... I think... or did I somehow stumble upon Discovery?) Now that I sat here and watched this couple deal with the 8 kids and even take them on a trip to Disney World I have become insanely motivated around here. I can't have a messy house if theirs is clean, and they read the 100 emails they get every day. I am still only responding to email here and there and even have some unread email going back to when Aislinn was just a month old. So embarrassing! I suck. And I think they blog! I quit blogging for months. I need to get my ass in gear! So, I have been cleaning around here like I'm Monica Gellar on Friends. It's not perfect yet, but we're getting there. I also started to read that book I think I mentioned in the last post, but if not here you go. I'm reading Oprah's new book club selection A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'm going to take the web class thingy that she's doing. It's a great book and it is an awakening like Oprah and all her celeb friends claim it is and I LOVE it. So I recommend it, and I recommend watching Jon & Kate + 8. They're funny and you will enjoy it.

On to why the holy hell I'm up at 2:30 AM. I was going to bed earlier but I was laying in bed wondering about something my mother-in-law keeps bringing up and why the fuck I'm cramping, feeling sick, the back pain, all the gas & acid reflux. So I ran downstairs to consult Dr. Google and now I'm starting to spazz out a tad but lucky the Sandman is taking over and telling me to get my ass to bed so I will quickly confide in you, my lovely blogosphere friends. First of all, I will admit that my relationship with my MIL hasn't been the most fab and she often rides my ass about everything because if she isn't riding someone about something she might just explode (part of things I'm trying to deal with and learn to love her regardless of her bitchiness) but I do believe that this time her intentions are good and I know when it comes to this she genuinely cares. She had colon cancer a few years back and won her fight with it (YAY!) so now she is very big on cancer prevention and she whole heartedly believes in having any test you can to be sure nothing funky is growing inside of you. I can't blame her and I agree. Catching it early is pretty much key. So anyway, she's discovered this blood test that anyone can have to find out if you have ovarian cancer, CA-125. I guess it's expensive but if it can save your life who cares, right? I have no problem doing it but I'm waiting for our new insurance cards in the mail (any day now) and then I will be sure to get into see Dr. Hot Stuff and ask for the blood test. So, anyway she mentions that I need to be tested like all the time, every time I see her. Oy! I will, I will! So, I'm laying in bed with these weird cramps and strange back pain that isn't a result of the cramps (usually it is when it's menstrual cramping) and serious nausea. I'm not knocked up because I've nearly been peeing on a stick everyday. I start to think about how PCOS and ovarian cancer are loosely linked and I start to wonder if I've got cancer all over my ovaries. So I obsess and I obsess and I decide that there's no falling asleep next to Howie and all his snoring so I might as well ask Dr. Google what the symptoms are and unfortunately I've got them, HOWEVER those symptoms can go with anything. Perhaps my fluffy uterus is working up to expelling it's 3-4 months worth of lining, who knows. I don't know. I'm probably freaking myself out but I was laying in bed thinking of how awful it would be to miss out on Aislinn's life. She's amazing and how I LOVE our closeness. She is my sweet little love bug. I can't imagine being too sick to flip her upside down and run around together. I love the way she laughs when I toss her onto the couch and play peek-a-boo with her from behind the pillows. Even worse than being too sick to do that would be to just not be here with her at all. I have to stop thinking like that now. Even if I do have some sort of cancer growing on my ovaries it would likely be quite new. I mean, with all the ovary watching during fertility treatments and the fact that I had ultrasounds done too look at my uterus and ovaries after I gave birth to Aislinn I'm sure it would have been caught then. I have to just calm down and get the blood test done and probably get my crazy ass back in birth control because exposing my body to high levels of testosterone and estrogen isn't helping me. I can work on getting my health together naturally and then when I have that under control I can come off the birth control but in the meantime I think I need to be on it. I have to anyway to get my cycle back on schedule because if I am all healthy and good we're hoping to maybe defrost Frosty for a possibly transfer in June maybe. Just a thought.

Ok, my thoughts are probably all out of whack from my intense sleepiness at this point so I should go.

Baby Fever

Yes, baby fever. Babies seem to be popping up around me everywhere, or maybe I'm starting to notice pregnant people and itty bitty powdery smelling babies again. I don't know but the baby fever is intense. I'm dying to get knocked up again. I miss being pregnant, even being sick and having to sleep sitting up for 4 months. I loved feeling Aislinn moving around inside of me. I loved getting to know her like that before she was born. I also miss the smallness of a new born. The thing I want the most is for our family to grow and for Aislinn to be a big sister. I know she would be a wonderful big sister. She is so sweet and so gentle with others. She likes to pat the other kids at playgroup on the back or hold their hands and today she even fed one of the other kids cherios. She has a baby doll and while she sometimes drops her on her head she also likes to take her out of her cradle and feed her a bottle. She's going to be an amazing big sister. I think the baby fever is so bad that my head is starting to play games on me. Lately my boobs have been hurting, I've been nauseated on and off, car sick for sure, tired, and yesterday I started to cry in the car for no good reason. I doubt that my dysfunctional ovaries miraculously popped out an egg around the same time that one of my husband's unmotivated tadpoles actually swam up and then the two actually bumped into each other and had the energy left to unite. That alone would be amazing, but it would be unbelievable if that adorable little embryo snuggled up with the wall of my uterus and set up camp. I'd love that but it seems so unlikely. I really can't believe there are people out there that just have to have sex to have a baby. I wish it was that simple for me. Anyway, I bought a bunch of pee sticks and so far the pee sticks have told me that my uterus is a barren and cold place. No baby in sight. It's crazy because I've nearly broken down and sobbed like 3 times today and the last time I was like that I had a bun in the oven. Oh well, what can you do? Someday soon we'll take frosty out of the freezer and see if there's any frost bite.

Hello Again!

So, it's been a while. I was going to give up on blogging... scratch that... I had given up on blogging. Life with a little one has been busy and it has been hard to manage the rest of my life. I guess I'm just not that good at balancing life, but I'm working on it. I thought about creating another blog with a different name because maybe I didn't always want to talk about my lazy ovaries, however, I think my lazy ovaries are tied to other challenges in my life so maybe it is a good name for my blog. Who knows, but here I am. I missed putting my thoughts and feelings down and if you want to read that's great, and if you don't that's fine too. I just need an outlet.

Aislinn is 12 1/2 months old now. Yup, she's 1!!! She's smart, strong and beautiful. We love her and everything she does. She took her first step right before Thanksgiving but didn't get the hang of it until a day after Christmas. Now she runs around and talks and laughs and plays. She has full tantrums and she also gives the best kisses. She always dances when she hears music and claps when she finishes something she worked really hard at. She is absolutely the love of my life and she loves me back.

Howie is going back to work in NYC. He'll be making more money, not a crazy amount, but we should be able to pay our bills and save some cash too. He's going to be working with his father, groomed to take over his dad's job. His dad is the president so someday we hope to live comfortably. Right now I'm looking forward to someday moving out of this tiny itty bitty condo. With Aislinn and her toys and our furniture there just isn't any room. Not even for things that I'd like to use, like muffin pans and wine glasses. A average size house that is NOT attached to another home would be great. I mean, Aislinn can take out her shape sorter and dump the shapes on the floor and then take out her Little People Noah's Ark and suddenly the whole living room/dining room/office area is totally trashed. The whole being attached to other homes is an issue because while I LOOOOOVEEE my fabulous neighbors I don't love their cigarette smoke. Perhaps they don't mind the possibility of lung cancer but I would not like that for myself or my family. I can't ask them to not smoke in their home but it's leaking into our house. It's gross! The other thing is that I can hear them talking, vacuuming, music, showering & running up and down the stairs. We try to not hear other things they may like to do. The other day I was giving Aislinn a bath and I swore that I heard someone walking around in our house and then I could hear someone running up the stairs and even felt the vibrations in the floor but it was actually my neighbor! WTF? Not their fault it's just that it's a shitty condo. So, we'll just hope that we'll be able to buy a house someday soon.

Me? I'm still seeing a nutritionist and going to acupuncture. Each week I go to Mommy & Me and we also have a play group. It's nice. Aislinn absolutely gets to socialize and so do I. I'm trying to work through some emotional issues, nothing earth shattering but I think I just haven't focused on my inner self in a while and now there's plenty of spring cleaning to do. I have decided to take part in Oprah's online class and read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. I need to get reading because the class starts pretty soon.

So that's about all there is now. I hope to be back soon so check in every once in a while... or not... it's up to you.

Teething

Last week Aislinn cut her first tooth. A day later a second popped out, number three and number four popped out on Monday. Within a week she went from that adorable baby gummy smile to 4 teeth!!! Believe me, she's cute teeth or not but my heart broke because suddenly my tiny little baby is growing up and her cute gummy smile is gone. It's replaced with an equally cute jack-o-lantern type smile which I also love. I guess that's part of being a parent. You're excited to see them grow up but you sometimes feel sad that they have to grow up so quickly. I'm never ready for the changes. The first tooth to come in was her upper left lateral incisor, the the upper right lateral incisor (the two teeth next to the two front teeth). Then with no warning the bottom middle two teeth popped up. Unless her upper front two teeth pop up she'll have a perfect space on top for her bottom two teeth to fit between her upper lateral incisors. That's why I call it her Jack-o-Lantern style smile.

I guess I should get you caught up on other things. On September 30th Howie and I went to the awful final Mets game with Aislinn. The Mets played horribly but Aislinn was super cute all dressed up in her Mets cheerleader outfit complete with socks and a hat. She was way cute, too bad she wasn't representing a better team. Oh well! Going to a baseball game with a baby wasn't as bad as I thought it wold be. She slept for 2 hours in the loud stadium, as did the Mets and most of the fans. She also had a two bottles and some strawberry banana puffs. YUM!!

Mommy & Me is going well. We graduated to the larger class with older kids because there weren't any babies in the class that Aislinn should have been in. She stands and "cruises" so she does well in the older class. It's hard to bond with the mom's though because they have this intense bond over the fact that their kids are all 10 months old and somehow to their surprise the kids birthdays are so close to one another. Wow! No shit? Your babies are all 10 months old and you say that all of their birthdays are around the same time?! I would have NEVER guessed that! Whatever, I kind of want to meet other moms and they kind of chat with me when Aislinn crawls over to their kids to play or their kid comes to play with mine but they always somehow seem to all end up in this little circle near the cheese mat to talk about how it's so cool that their kids birthdays all fall within this two week span. Bleh. Good luck going to all of those 1st birthday parties when you have your own to throw, bitches! FINALLY this week we met the one other mother who has an 8 month old daughter. I was so excited, not because I need to meet another mom who gave birth within two weeks of when I gave birth but because I clearly need to have a click of my own in order to make friends. The mom seems a bit shy and kind of worried that everyone thinks her daughter is huge for 8 months old. I don't know if she is or not, everyone says Aislinn is tiny for her age but I think she looks normal. Who really cares? Even if you ended up having the biggest baby in the U.S., who cares? Her daughter is absolutely gorgeous and to me she doesn't look freakishly huge. She's bigger than Aislinn but she doesn't look like a giant. HOPEFULLY she'll keep coming and we can form our own little group. Aislinn is making friends faster than I am though. She's very cute and silly when she's there. She likes to socialize with the kids and the Moms seem to like her too, they just aren't into Moms who gave birth during the month of January. Perhaps if I gave birth at the end of November or beginning of December I'd be ok. Enough complaining about that.

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of when Howie and I got married. Hopefully I'll be able to get a haircut before our "date" tomorrow night. If we were in Hollywood we'd already be celebrating our RUBY anniversary, but we're not so this is actually flowers if you are traditional and linen or silk if your more modern. I guess you could combine them by getting a floral printed linen or silk item. Howie isn't much of a flower/linen/silk sorta guy so I don't think I'm going to worry about the gift. We're going out to dinner which is almost as exciting as going away on vacation for us. If we're lucky Aislinn will be asleep when we get home so that we can get it on when his parents leave. SWEET!!!

My Appointment with the Bobble Head

I had an appointment with my nutritionist today. By the way, I need a more interesting nickname for her, "L" doesn't do it. Can we call her Bobble Head because her head is disproportionately larger than her body. Ok, so during my appointment with Bobble Head I discovered that I have lost over 15" over my entire body. Not 15" from my waist but if you add up all the inches I lost from my neck, arm, upper & middle chest, ribs, waist, hips, abdomen, thigh & knee. I lost 3 1/2 -THREE AND A HALF- inches from my abdomen!!!!!!! Wooohoooo! Ok, but in pounds it's only 8 3/4 lbs. Not bad though. I was cranky when I left the house but after blasting Timbaland's "Scream" in the car and then finding out that I am in fact smaller I am now in a much better mood. Perhaps I will start to get up early in the morning to go for a run before my husband goes to work. LOL! We'll see about that. Anyway, after my appointments with Bobble Head I tend to feel like I should reward myself with a tiny cheat so I head over to Starbucks. Look, I know that rewarding yourself with food should be a no-no. I know that I should be rewarding myself with non-food things like a facial, mani/pedi, or a bubble bath but I don't have the cash to spend on a facial or mani/pedi and the bubble bath? When? By the time my little peanut is asleep I'm not interested in "relaxing" in a bubble bath. AND how can it be relaxing in the smaller-than-average-tub? It's customized small! No, seriously! I'm short but not that short. Whatever, anyway. So if I feel that having a tall skim decaf pumpkin spice latte after getting weighed I think it's ok. Someday when I'm rich I will HAPPILY spend the day at the spa when I reach my goal weight. How's that sound? Anyway, I'm at Starbucks to pick up my tall skim decaf pumpkin spice latte and as I'm walking in the door I'm holding the door for the woman behind me. Not stopping to hold it open, just passing off the open door. This BITCH! Personal trainer from New York Sports Club chatting on her freaking cell pushes past me and barely gets out an "oh thanks" and walks up to the counter. AS IF I WAS THE DOOR LADY AND AS IF I WASN'T THERE FIRST!!!! Apparently she frequents this Starbucks location more than I do and is treated like a queen. She walks up to the counter and everyone is all bowing to her and all "Oh! Hi Holy One!" and while chit chatting on her phone and barely looking at anyone there she extends her arm and flicks her starbucks card in the cashier's face. The barista quickly makes her coffee and the cashier swipes her card and she sort of glances at the guy and gives him a nod like "Good Dog! If I had a treat I'd throw it to you!" and then wonders off to the pick-up area. I kind of wanted to shove her and start a playground type fight in the middle of the place but I instead ordered a VENTI pumpkin spice latte with WHIP! How's that for fixing your inner frustration with food? It's ok, I don't always do that, just this time because I was hoping to catch up with her in the parking lot and "trip" so that my HOT latte would go flying all over her. By the time my latte was made I realized that she's the kind of bitch that has her lawyer in her top five and would have sued me for all the money I don't have. The judge would end up making me be her maid.

My parents brought my niece's old walker for Aislinn to play with today. She LOVES it but seems to only know how to walk backwards in it. It kind of pisses her off when she knows she wants to walk to me but ends up going in the other direction. What can you do? She just woke up from her 3 hour nap and is very chatty. I should probably go get her and stop writing.

Look I'm Posting! Alert the Media!

What? It's been TWO months you say? The last time I posted a lot was going on in our lives and I just needed some time away. Things are getting better, not good or great, but better. While I LOVE New England, LOVE CT, I don't know that leaving VA has been worth it yet. That being said I still have faith that things will all work out and I will eventually see that this was what was best for us. Howie has a job but it pays a lot less than his last job but pays more than unemployment. Right before Howie was offered his new job I freaked out and decided to look into doing direct sales to make money NOW! I'm making WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY less than I used to make but if I got an office job outside the home and had to pay for daycare I would barely be bringing any money home at all. I'm over qualified based on my work experience but under qualified based on my education. Whatever! I'm starting to panic a bit. Ugh! I mean, we're barely staying afloat right now even after my mom lent us a bunch of cash. Stupid freaking commons charges and stupid crappy condo! This whole condo complex we live in is sucking us dry and it's not even worth $5 a month. Anyway, I owe my former employer for health insurance because I barely worked during my last month of employment so the insurance isn't free. Then I have to pay COBRA for a month. We have yet to receive that bill but I really can't wait. Because we really have thousands of dollars laying around to pay for that.

I had been going to a nutritionist, acupuncture and yoga to help with my PCOS. The nutritionist takes credit card and my mom thought it was important for me to go so she paid for that. My nutritionist, "L", also offered to be my mentor while I'm in school... maybe someday I can work for her. Who knows! My acupuncturist, "S", is awesome! I love her! She doesn't take any shit from my uterus. I had my period for like 2 1/2 weeks at one point and then she laid down the law with my dysfunctional baby-maker. She stuck a couple of needles in my toes and the next day it stopped. My period returned a week or so later and went on for about 8 days and she broke out some smokeless herb and did something around my feet and the next day it stopped. I had a cold and she tapped in a couple of needles on either side of my nose to relieve my stuffing nose and then I flipped over so that she could do some cupping on my back which cleared up my lungs. Later that day I was feeling better! I love her and I can't imagine living without her now but she takes checks and my mom can't legally give me anymore money so it looks like I have to give up acupuncture. Yoga, well, I paid for four classes. I've only been to one so far but after the next three I won't be able to buy anymore because she only takes checks too. Yoga lady rocks the shit too. She said that I'm in touch with my body and could take a level 1 class if I wanted. Maybe I LOOK like I can handle a level 1 class but believe me, I felt like I was near death during most of the beginners class. So, I've got a nutritionist and that's it. That's not bad at all but between my nutritionist and acupuncturist I'd rather have my acupuncturist.

Alright people, I'll give you what you really came here for! Aislinn is now 7 months old. She and I now go to a Mommy & Me class which she LOVES but the woman who runs the class, "E", keeps pronouncing Aislinn's name "AYZ-LYNN" even after I politely correct her, "ASH-LYNN". Uggghhhhhh! In about 13 years Aislinn will be telling me how much she hates me because I gave her this crazy Irish name. Bleh. I still love it and I hope that she will someday. Anyway, there's a guy that works at the Mommy & Me place and he looks like Freddy Prinze Jr. when he was the Manny on Friends. I want to laugh every time I see him and tell him that I loved the recorder solo he did on the show. Anyway, Aislinn stands up, she says "da da" "ma ma" and "ma ma ba ba" when she wants to eat. She is a great crawler but really prefers to be in a standing position as much as she can be. She absolutely LOVES being outside so my mom is going to buy her a snow suit so that we can still go out in the winter. Bath time is tons of fun. We enjoy splashing and eating rubber duckies. She's adorable!

Now that we have more of a routine I should be able to keep you updated on Aislinn and other "events" in my life.

Desperate

I need a job. My husband needs a job. I don't want to turn my daughter into a child actor just so that we have enough money to pay the mortgage. Don't worry people, that isn't going to happen. I just want her job to be being a kid. Howie had an interview last week and we're hoping he'll get it because if he does we'll have FREEEEEEEEEEEEE medical again. I had an interview yesterday for the most boring job imaginable. I would be an HR assistant at the hospital. What does that mean? That means I'd be answering phones and dealing with people who come into the office. What is that REALLY called? A R.E.C.E.P.T.I.O.N.I.S.T. people! Yes, there's nothing wrong with being a receptionist but I already did that job - FIVE years ago. While it was a wonderful job because I got to know everyone from the delivery guys to the company president I really don't want to do it again. I feel that I have done all I can do with that position and I really would rather do something else. The lady that interviewed me seemed to think I should be looking for jobs above the administrative assistant level because of my work experience and I couldn't agree with her more. The only problem is that I'm STILL working on my degree. Let me share my story about college and me. Right after high school I had to attend a community college because my "gifted" brother spent all of my parents' money on his college education and also because my asshole guidance counselor told my mother that I was stupid and wouldn't be able to make it at a real college which she accepted because... well... that meant that she wouldn't have to pay for a real college. FUCK YOU MR. FULLER! Yeah, am I allowed to use his real name? Fuck him! He has retired since then so he won't be getting in the way of anyone else's college education. I wanted to major in interior decorating but I couldn't because my ghetto ass college didn't have that major available. So I was told that I should major in fine arts because that's so totally the same exact thing as interior decorating. I hated that more than life itself and thought that maybe they'd have something like advertising available as a major because that was an interest of mine as well. They didn't have that either so my brother (the gifted one with the expensive college education) suggested I do marketing. So I switched to marketing which wasn't bad but I just felt brain dead in the classes at this college. Now, before everyone starts to think I'm a bitch and that I think community college is for stupid people, that's not true. I know that it's inexpensive option for people who can't afford 4 years at an expensive university. No problem. I know that there are MANY smart people who attend community colleges. That being said, I think that the people in my classes were fucking stupid, or maybe it was just that I attended a REALLY good high school that prepared the students for college really well. I don't know, all I know is that my brain was numb because while we were duscussing the Opium Wars the students somehow were able to get the teacher off track by getting her into a whole discussion about Pot and Chow Yun-Fat. Seriously. It happened ALL THE TIME. I had to start taking notes for the stupid non-educational discussions so that I'd keep my mind from wondering, otherwise I'd miss when we started discussing the REAL topic. It saddened me when I realized there were more notes on Pot than there were on the Opium Wars. I eventually dropped out because working in retail pushing body lotion and shower gel was more stimulating for my brain than attending classes. I moved to VA when my brother went overseas for a year. I lived in his apartment for free and became a co-manager at B&BW. I decided to stay in the area because Howie and I were dating and wanted to move in together. I wasn't going to school, just working a billion hours at the store. Then 9/11 happened and I decided forcing people to buy at least $30 in shower gel and lotion wasn't important in life. That's when I got the receptionist job at the company I work(ed) for now. I also decided to go back to school - online. I chose to major in information systems for some reason. I had a 4.0 but it was boring. After Howie and I got married I decided that I wanted enroll in another school to get a B.S. in holistic nutrition and an N.H.D. I'm still working on that now. So, I really don't have any kind of degree in anything because I can't make up my mind and I'm also a tad pissed I never went to a real college. Anyway, I don't regret any of it because if things didn't go that way then I wouldn't be married to Howie and we wouldn't have Aislinn. While this path has lead me to a VERY happy personal life it has not provided me much for my professional life. I can totally do anything I want. My brother and sister both have masters degrees but when my sister ended up unemployed and not able to get a job in the field she had been working in and specifically educated for she freaked out. She was scared about having to do something that she didn't have a degree for. She asked me how she was going to do a job she didn't know how to do. Every job I've ever done I have had no idea how to do going into it. Sure, the receptionist job wasn't difficult because you can probably train a monkey to answer phones. I will say that some phone systems are really fucking complicated and sometimes require a PHD to use. Monkeys can't learn how to opperate one of those... but I did. Being an office assistant mostly requires that you move fast, stay organized, and bullshit a lot of the cranky office staff. Not that bad though. Being a program coordinator, that's a whole new ball game. I didn't know how to get concurrences, I didn't know about the area we worked in, I didn't know how to hire a consultant, I didn't know squat. In the end I was doing it all and I even got to travel to Zimbabwe and pretend I knew what the hell I was doing with a certain health organization. You don't need a fucking degree to do half of this shit, but in order to get people to give you a chance you do. Either that or you have to show them you can do it, which is how I got to be a program coordinator. So now that I've made a short story long, I don't know if I'll get this stupid HR job at the hospital or not. I could use it because money would be good, but I REALLY don't want to be away from Aislinn all day. I've been with her every day since she was born and every time I think about putting her into daycare my heart breaks. I don't think that anyone who chooses to or has to put their kid into daycare is a bad person at all. You have to do what you have to do and I don't think that's wrong at all. If you have to do it so that you have extra income that's fine, I probably will have to. If you are someone who needs to get out of the house and work, interact with adults everyday, that's fine too. It's really not the quantity of time you spend with your child, it's the quality. You have to do what you have to do to make you happy so that you will be a good parent when you are with your child. If working outside the home is what makes you happy then I think you should do that. I thought that I'd go crazy being home with her all the time, I thought I would be the kind of person who wanted to get out of the house and be at the office. I didn't think that I'd have such a hard time with the though of putting her in daycare, but it's killing me. I LOVE that I've been here to see every new thing that she does. I hate that in the future I may not be the first person to see her crawl or walk. I also hate that someone else is going to be the one that knows what to do to make her happy during the day. Right now I'm the one that knows what she wants and how she wants it. I think that getting up in the morning and going to work as the HR assistant at the hospital would be hard enough because it bores me to death, but leaving her with someone else so that I can go to work as the HR assistant is going to be much harder. If I have to leave her I feel like it has to be something that I might actually enjoy. However, I don't think anyone is going to hire me to do a job that I would enjoy.

What to do? I really just want to find some way to work from home, and if not that then I want create a business of my own. I don't know what the hell that would be right now. I need something and I'd prefer to be my own boss and to give myself a job. Who wouldn't? If any of my friends that are reading the blog have any thoughts or ideas, don't leave them in the comments, email me.

I know I've been missing again. I've been working, we've been visiting family, Aislinn is growing. I have had no time for myself at all lately. I attempted to give myself a pedicure but that didn't work out. I think I need a bubble bath and a pedi. Maybe some other at-home-spa treatments. Maybe this weekend? Maybe not? Who knows.

Updates on Aislinn:
1. She puked in my mouth today. It tasted sweet and it was also REALLY gross. Nothing like having your own breast milk regurgitated back into your mouth.

2. She is nearly crawling. She's pushing herself up in front and in back, then she rocks herself front to back and collapses. Very cute!

3. Her new favorite thing is drinking straight out of mommy's water bottle or out of a cup. This is of course with help from mommy or daddy. She doesn't just pick up a cup and drink from it. Let's not be silly!

4. She has two words. Ma ma and Ba ba! Seriously! She knows I'm her Ma ma! She reached for me and said "Maaaa". When she was super hungry one morning she grabbed my shirt (trying to breastfeed) and said "MA MA BA BA". I think that loosely translates to "Mommy, give me some boob milk! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!" I'm just guessing though.

5. Her favorite hang out spot is now her exersaucer. It's colorful, it's fun and it plays some awesome carny music. What else could you ask for. Honestly?

6. Her favorite non-toy toys are TiVo, the modem and the wireless router. We'll have to rearrange some things in the TV stand.

7. Her very bestest friend in the whole wide world is our cat, Kirby. When she sees him she drops everything. Eating, playing, diaper changes, nothing matters when Kirby walks into the room. She MUST touch his soft, shiny, smooth, black fur.

8. She has a real giggle now. It's the cutest baby giggle in the world.

I guess that's all I have for you. Thanks for reading all of that boring crap about me at the beginning. I love all y'all!

Father's Day and The First Cold

Howie's FIRST Father's Day went well. I woke up at 6:45 am to go to the grocery store to buy him balloons and cake. I also looked for hash browns for his breakfast but they didn't have any in the store for some reason. I decided that I'd head over to McDonalds and get ghetto hash browns. Ghetto or not, they're good! After my early morning shopping spree I came home, put things away, and crawled back into bed. When Aislinn woke up I got her dressed in the cute little Ralph Lauren dress someone gave us that we haven't had an excuse for her to wear until now. Howie was awake so he came downstairs to open his gifts.


Aislinn with Howie's stack of Father's Day gifts.


Howie with his new XBox HD DVD player.


A new camera bag that will hold all of the extra lenses he apparently needs for the camera.


Mets tickets for the last game of the season, which is also Howie's birthday. It'll be Aislinn's first baseball game. Woohoo!


A book that I made for Howie on Shutterfly.com.

I then made him scrambled cheese eggs, bacon, and heated up the hash browns. YUM! The rest of the day was pretty laid back. We took a walk in Westport, had some bitchin' pizza, then we came home. Aislinn slept, ate, played. For dinner we ordered Chinese food and for dessert we had chocolate cake.





So what else has been going on while I should have been blogging about Father's Day? We cleaned the house, searched for jobs, I worked, and Aislinn came down with her first cold. I feel so bad because her cute little nose is stuffy and running and she's all congested. I wish I could just make her better. I hate seeing her sick like that. We took her to the doctor in the beginning when the cold wasn't that bad. She told us that if it were worse she'd have us give her something, but it usually just makes babies more fussy or something. So instead she told us to steam up the bathroom and bring her in for a few minutes. I turned the hot water on full blast and closed the door before her bath. I was going to go in there and change the temperature to fill up her actual bath once the room was all steamed up and then I was going to use the baby vapor bath soap to wash her. While I was getting her ready for her bath I asked Howie to go in and fill up her tub. He went in the bathroom and there was so much steam that his glasses fogged up and he said it was so hot he could barely breathe. He left the door open to let out some steam before I went in. He couldn't fill up the bath because he couldn't see so I went in to do it. It was pretty warm in there and it was very wet. My hair started to curl up and I started to sweat. I filled up her tub and left the door open for a few more minutes. I think the steam and the vapor bath helped. We used the snot sucker to get the snot out of her nose but she only allowed that about 10% of the time. A bunch of people told us to put a pillow under her mattress but when we did it looked like bad news to me. I pictured her turning the wrong way in her sleep and rolling down the "hill" in her crib. We decided that it was probably best for her to sleep in her swing since she likes that and she can sit up while sleeping without rolling away. Howie brought the humidifier downstairs and placed it near her swing. That seemed to work well. This cold started on Monday and it seems to be much better now. It isn't over but it's better.

She has been all about me lately. Daddy makes her feel better too. Howie's parents were over on Thursday and she just wanted me to hold her the whole time. It made me feel bad and I figured they were just thinking that she was favoring me because I breast feed her and they think that is keeping her from bonding with Howie or anyone else. Whatever. I was surprised when they said it was probably because she was sick and just wanted her Mommy. I really expected them to attack the breastfeeding like they usually do. It is sweet that she wants to be with me and that I make everything all better for her, but I do feel bad when she cries when other people are holding her. Oh well, someday she'll be 16 and she won't want me around at all so I am going to just love this time I have with her right now.

As far as unemployment goes things are the same. I'm working just enough to keep our health insurance. My former boss told me that if Howie and I move back to VA that I'd have a full-time job. I was tempted to go back because I miss living there and I really miss my friends, Bren, Les & my brother's gf, "J". Of course I miss my boss "D" and the rest of my co-workers. For the past month I think it has seemed like we were on vacation and the whole unemployment thing wasn't real. Howie is growing a beard and I only shave once a week. Howie's becoming an online poker champion and getting really good at cleaning the house. I have been doing busy work for my company just to keep our insurance and have started expanding my TV viewing with shows like Engineering the Impossible, Design Rivals, Flip This House, Flip That House, Hey Paula, and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the d-list. I figured I need to keep things balanced between learning and garbage TV. It's going well. If the housing market was better I could easily flip a house, and I'm amazed that it took 3 times as long to build Chartres Church than it did to build the Great Pyramid of Giza. WTF? Are you serious? I also enjoy watching Paula Abdul act like a stupid spoiled crack head when crying about how her two assistants didn't pack her a pair of sweat pants for her to wear on her flight. Anyway, I think the vacation will soon come to an end and the panic will truly set in. I still have faith that everything will be ok and work out. It has to.

Before I go I just want to send all y'all over to Les over at In Search of a Baby Ug to send all of your good vibes and wishes to her and her little embryos. Good luck Les! I love you!!