Venting

The other night at our birthing class our doula put out a bunch of cards with baby products on them. We had to divide these cards up into different categories. We had to find one item that would be absolutely necessary if the baby was born tomorrow, 5 items that we think we need, 8 items that would be nice to have, and something like 10 that were luxury items. We all put the car seat down as the one item that was absolutely necessary. As for all of the other categories, I have no idea what went into them now. I believe that crib sheets and a stroller ended up in the luxury item category. I stopped helping place things because I quickly realized that every time I thought there was something I'd need I was told that I don't. I learned that I'm a materialistic bitch because all you need when you have a baby is an endless supply of dish towels and an empty dresser drawer. I'm not fucking kidding! It's completely acceptable for you to put your child to sleep every night in your dresser drawer. I also learned that I don't need a nursing bra because I can continue using my regular bra and just pull it under my boob whenever I need to feed my baby. Yes, I realize that doing that works as well but I learned a long time ago that simply sleeping in my bra would stretch it out, but I guess pulling the entire thing under my boob won't? Yes, actually, it will! And when it does get stretched out I'll have to buy another bra, and when I do why can't I just go ahead and buy a nursing bra? Simply because my doula and the other couple in our birthing class think that I shouldn't? Please, I mean, I already saved money by NOT buying a crib! The doula also said that if you live close enough to the hospital you wouldn't need the car seat. She actually asked us how close we were to the hospital. I'm giving birth in JANUARY in CONNECTICUT! Even if I did live next door to the hospital I wouldn't be carrying my baby, that is only wrapped in a dish towel, home in my arms during a snow storm. That's probably because I'm materialistic and I just really want to waste my money on a travel system. Luckily I live far enough from the hospital that it seems acceptable for me to say that I'll need a car seat. Perhaps I could save the money and MacGyver-up some sort of car seat type thing made out of dish towels, a pot, and an old shoe. Nah, that's probably not necessary. Simply throwing my infant on the back seat and throwing the seat belt around it should be good enough. The other couple made a joke about their friends who just had a baby girl. They said that they laugh about how they have a whole nursery set up for the baby and all the baby has needed so far are diapers. Their friends sound like really horrible parents. I feel like I should call child services to let them know that these people have a fully loaded nursery for their child. I'm not sure how this little exercise has helped me prepare for my labor but I do know that it made me feel like a total asshole.

I guess this is where it begins. People say that once you become a mother other mothers begin judging you and compare you to themselves, as if they are better than you. It's not just the doula or the other couple in our birthing class, it seems to be everyone around me. It's my sister, my friends, my in-laws, people at work, pretty much any stranger that realizes I'm pregnant. One person says I need to register for this or that, another tells me that those things didn't work for them and that they know better than the last person you spoke to. When choosing something that I simply like it's laughable because no one would ever need this or that, I'm so materialistic. Maybe wanting the most beautiful crib in the world that will convert into a toddler bed and then into a twin size bed is silly, or the dresser that I want to buy instead of a changing table so that it will also grow with my child is unnecessary because there is a closet in the room, and maybe I shouldn't worry about buying my daughter that matching bookcase for her room so that we can place all of the children's books that I've registered for in there, I mean, Howie and I could just keep them in our bookcase right between Hannibal and An Affair to Remember. It's possible that a dish towel could be a burp cloth, a diaper, bedding, and a receiving blanket, but I'd prefer to have diapers as diapers, cute unnecessary burp clothes that say things like "Love Bug" or "Little Pumpkin" for my own entertainment while I'm up at all hours feeding, pretty sheets that fit nicely around my baby's mattress, and receiving blankets with adorable little animals printed on them. I realize it's for me, because my newborn won't care if she's crapping on my shirt or in a diaper, but I will. She won't care if I throw her clothes on the floor or in a pretty pink hamper, but it makes it easier for me to have all of her dirty clothes in the mesh bag that detaches from the hamper. It pisses me off that people feel the need to voice their opinions and laugh at me for the way I would like to decorate my baby's room or care for my daughter. Believe me, when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing I'll ask for help, but unless I've asked I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just keep your assvice to yourself. I am, after all, the one who tried for two years to conceive this child, I'm the one who stuck myself with numerous needles during every cycle for the past year (most of the time with Howie's help), I'm the one that had track marks on my right arm from having my vein tapped over and over and over again, I am the one that would endlessly vomit and feel that my world was spinning around me after popping my Metformin, I waited through a number of 2 week waits and cried when the results were negative, and after becoming pregnant I was the one that put up with the nausea, gave up caffeine, have stretch marks all over my growing belly, tolerating some intense acid reflux that no amount of Tums can resolve, back aches, removing the awful new, dark, ugly facial and body hair that is growing like a weed all over me, and I will eventually give birth without drugs (as long as there aren't any emergencies at the end) all without complaining because my little baby girl is worth every single bit of it but excuse me for being a little bit selfish now that I'm finally going to be a mother. I wasn't sure that I'd ever get to decorate a nursery or walk into Babies 'R' Us to register for all kinds of baby things. Now that I can you better believe that I'm going to have fun with it and if all those asshats that would rather put their kid in a drawer than a crib want me to say it, fine, I'll say it! YES, IT'S ALL FOR ME! I AM SELFISH AND MATERIALISTIC.

I'm sure that once my daughter is born the next issue will be that either I'm a bad mother for working or that I'm contributing to the set back of the feminist movement by being at home with my child. It should be the best of both worlds, working from home, but I'm sure it's still somehow the wrong thing for me to do. It would be difficult to go into the office when the office is in VA, and it would be difficult to pay for daycare because it is insanely expensive. Will I be teaching my daughter that women are lower than men because I'm working from home, I doubt that because I don't believe that and neither does my husband. Will my daughter be behind because she isn't in daycare and therefore not socializing with other children? I doubt it because I do plan on joining Mommy and Me groups so that the both of us can get out of the house now and then. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm damaging my child? I don't think that I'm such a fumbling moron that my child is going to end up in lock up by the age of 15 because I worked from home. Who the hell knows what to do anymore? The thing is none of us know what is exactly right, we're all doing the best that we can and trying to teach our children the values that we feel are the most important for them to learn. Why do we have to judge each other? Because we're so insecure about what we're doing and finding that someone else is doing something different makes us question ourselves, so instead we decide to just make the other woman feel like she's doing something wrong with her child. It's stupid, why are you so worried that you're wrong because they do things differently? It doesn't mean that you're wrong or that they're wrong, it just means that there are different types of people in this world which I hope isn't such a huge shocker for you. Just raise your child to be the kind of person you'd like them to be and if you don't like the way that I'm raising my child then I guess we just won't be putting our children into the same play group. Quite honestly, if you're upset with me for putting my child to sleep in a crib, covering her butt with a diaper, and breastfeeding her in public then I don't care to know you. What you should be more concerned about are the people who starve their children to death, or beat their children, or molest their children and their children's friends.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.

We're Having a Little...

We're having a little baby girl!!! She is so cute and so perfect! You'd think that at this point I wouldn't be weepy anymore but I'm still weepy. We saw her little heart beating, but now we can see all four chambers pumping. We saw her two perfect little kidneys and then they measured her little legs, arms, nose, everything really. She had her left arm up next to her face and it looked like she was yawning. She is so beautiful. No matter how much she kicks and how often I see her little heart beating I'm still amazed that she's doing just fine and continues to grow inside of me. For some reason it seems so much more real to me today. I think I finally believe that I'm going to have a baby in almost four months. I was looking at her on the screen, watching her moving around, and I realized that the little person that I've been talking to and have been feeling move inside of me is right there on the screen. She's real and she's healthy. There really is a little piece of Howie and I growing inside of me and I finally feel connected to her. I am so in love with her. I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love her. She is the most perfect and wonderful thing that Howie and I have ever done. I can't wait for the moment that she comes into this world and I'm finally able to hold her and kiss her. I love you, my little baby girl.

Unpacking

Howie and I (Howie really) have unpacked a lot of boxes this weekend. We've also put together a lot of new furniture from IKEA. Yes, cheap IKEA furniture all over our living room. Thank God for IKEA! We put together a TV bench, shelving unit, drawer unit, and desk. We bought the ALVE shelving unit because it comes in the Antique finish like our MARKOR TV bench and cabinet. Yes, MARKOR had a shelving unit that would go with the rest of our set to create an Entertainment Center but it was too wide for the space it's going in. So we bought the ALVE shelving unit because it was thinner. After putting the shelves together we realized that they are much taller than the MARKOR cabinet and even though it was thinner than the MARKOR shelving unit that we didn't buy it still covers the window frame. I guess that's better than having the MARKOR unit covering part of the actual window, but it still kind of bothers me.

While Howie and I were unpacking boxes we found a box marked "Living Room - Wood Bots". We were both confused. Howie was thinking "Gobots?" and I was thinking "Why would robots be made out of wood? Why would we buy something as lame as a collection of wooden robots? Why don't I ever remember seeing them in our home?" Howie opened the box and inside we find Howie's entire fleet of WOODEN BOATS! One of the sweet women that packed up our things before the move misspelled the word boat. Poor thing, that's what too many hours of packing can do to your brain.

Our dining room used to be completely filled with boxes. The fact that we can now see outside our sliding glass door is amazing! We found that we have way too many pictures, books, and DVDs. All the picture boxes have gone upstairs for now. Until we are completely unpacked I don't think I can even imagine where the pictures are going to be hung. We are still opening boxes of books and DVDs. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! Howie wanted to go buy more shelves that we'd put God knows where but I told him that I just want to be like everyone else with a perfect, clean, minimalist type home. I doubt we'll ever actually achieve that. We also need to make sure that there will be room for a Pack 'n Play and crawling room for the baby. If by some miracle we have any excess space we might get a sideboard so that we can actually store our china. Right now our china is sitting in the baby's room. It's very likely that our precious, delicate plates will be the baby's first toys.

My desk is pretty much set up and ready for me to begin working from home tomorrow. I still have another stash of work related items upstairs that need to go into my new desk, but there just isn't enough room. I barely had room for all my fun choking hazards. It's much more important to display my matryoshka (nesting dolls) from Georgia (the country), Mardi Gras cats from New Orleans, mini zen garden where my coqui frogs from Puerto Rico spend their days relaxing in the sand, my zebra bowl from Tanzania, fertility dolls (that so don't work) from Zimbabwe, wooden fish from I don't remember where, and my crazy wooden cat from Key West. Some I bought on my own, some were gifts, all of them are more important than a tape dispenser and other office supplies. The zebra bowl has form and function, it holds my binder and butterfly clips.

The Big E (huge New England fair type thing) was awesome. Howie and I went with my sister and brother-in-law. I ate everything, well, almost everything. I had 2 large cups of fresh lemonade, fried dough, chocolate covered banana (which I dropped all over my white tank top), apple crisp, apple cider, apple cider doughnut, loaded baked potato, some soda, pizza, some more soda, and then Howie bought me a caramel apple to bring home. I didn't eat everything I hoped to eat. I missed out on the huge caveman-like turkey leg, milk & cookies, maple candy, hot dog, fudge, and cotton candy. Even though I didn't eat everything I did pretty damn well considering my digestive system has slowed down and I normally become insanely full after eating an orange. Howie and I bought a few other items while we were at the Big E. We bought a stained glass Star of David to hang in our window so that the neighborhood is aware that a couple of Jews have moved in, a drug rug (catnip blanket) for our cat, and a little cuddly blanket with a lamb head on it for the baby. This morning I was sitting at my desk about 3 feet away from the chair that my cat, Kirby, was sleeping on. I started to open the bag that contained the drug rug, Kirby immediately awoke. He jumped off the chair and started to sniff the bag in my hands. I took the drug rug out and threw it down on the floor in front of me. He was on that blanket almost before it hit the floor. He licked it, bit it, scratched it, and rolled on it. He's in love. After a few moments his eyes were glazed over and he was all tripped out. I think he's pretty pleased with the gift.

So, tomorrow is the big day! In about 12 hours Howie and I will hopefully know if we're having a boy or a girl! I can't wait. I keep going back and forth in my head, "it's a boy" "no it's a girl" "no way, Howie's always right, it's a boy". I won't have to wonder much longer.

New Doctor, Doula, and New Home

Howie and I went to our first appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday. The staff at the new OB/GYNs office is a thousand times better than the staff at the old OB/GYNs office. The nurses are more friendly and talkative and the one doctor that I met so far was really nice. She's also REALLY attractive. The only thing about Dr. Hot Stuff that bothered Howie was the way she sounded when she spoke. I didn't notice anything, except that she sometimes over pronunciates like Ross on Friends.

Dr. Hot Stuff asked us if Dr. P (who's staff STILL hadn't sent my records to my new doctor)had done a screening for Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13. I said that we hadn't and she told us that if we wanted to do that we had to do it immediately because it was almost too late. We decided to do it just so that we can prepare ourselves. Dr. Hot Stuff measured my belly and then we all listened to the heartbeat. It looks like everything is the way it should be. We have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. We're looking forward to finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl.

Last night was our first birthing class with the doula. There's only one other couple that attends the class. I like that it's a small class. The doula, who we can call R until I can come up with a better name, asked us a bunch of questions. Howie knew more than me and the other couple. Somebody does a lot of reading. No, really, it's very cute that he knows so much. She also taught us about the stages of labor, we talked about our discomforts during our pregnancies, and she went over a few other things. At the end of the class she did a relaxation exercise. She said that every week she'll be doing one at the end of the class. We really liked the class and our doula. We went home with some homework. We had to look up some birthing plans online and come up with a rough birthing plan. The other thing is that if we like music she wanted us to go home and pick a song or a list of songs that help us relax. We then need to start to listen to the music while relaxing in bed, that way when I listen to it during labor it will remind me of being relaxed. Sounds good to me. I'm a huge music person so I'll really enjoy picking out some relaxing music.

The new house is good. It's nice to be back in CT. A few neighbors introduced themselves to us the first day we were here. Now, this may not seem unusual to many of you but for Howie and I it was. Before I go on I'd like to say that I love the DC Metro Area, it's a great place and I met many wonderful people. If I didn't like it I wouldn't have lived there for 6 years of my life. That being said, when Howie and I moved into our townhouse community in Springfield, VA in 2003 NO ONE introduced themselves to us. We'd say hi to people, wave, be nice when we spotted a neighbor, but nobody would show any interest in getting to know us. Nobody spoke to each other, unless they both had kids around the same age, then they'd talk when they had to. Maybe it was just our community, I'm not saying it's like that all over the area, but that was our experience. Anyway, our new neighbors are awesome. We got to the house a few days before the movers did. On the day that the movers arrived a couple of our neighbors stopped by to see if we needed anything, offered to help after the movers left, it was really nice. The couple that lives right next to us had us over to their house, gave us all their take out menus, their phone numbers just in case we needed something, the number of their plumber friend so that we can fix our plumbing problems, the husband drove Howie to the closest train station so that he could see where it is and then told Howie that he could park at the gas station that he owns only a few steps away from the train, and the wife printed up the train schedule because we didn't have our internet hooked up yet. I could go on and on about how kick ass our neighbors are but I think the only people who are truly excited about that are Howie and I. We still have a lot of boxes to unpack and it's making me crazy. When Howie and I have enough time alone we get a lot done. Howie is fast, and I'm always more productive when I have my iPod on, so this weekend we'll be unpacking like mad crazy! I can't wait to be completely unpacked so that we know where everything is and so that we can just relax.

Last bit of baby news, today is the first day that I could feel the baby kicking on the outside! I love it. I've been told that I won't enjoy all the kicking later, but for now it's pretty cool.

Saying Goodbye to My Office

I'm still at the office right now. Yesterday should have been my last day, but it wasn't because I couldn't focus enough to actually finish everything I needed to finish. So I'm here and I was getting a lot done. I've got my iTunes on, I'm writing instructions for the new guy (who drives me crazy, but that's for another post) and then my boss, Debbie, comes in.

Debbie walks in and says, "Ok, I'm going home now." and walks over to my desk. NO! I don't want to say goodbye to anyone! Especially Debbie & Lesley. I get up to hug her, and I hate that I'm hugging her goodbye and I smell because the movers packed my deodorant. That'll be the last thing she remembers, Amy smelled bad. Anyway, she says that she's going to miss me, but that we're still going to talk and we're still working together it's just that we're not in the same location. I shake my head, and she gives me the same speech she gave at my going away party yesterday and during my annual review. She tells me that she's so proud of me because she remembers my first day here. I walked in the front doors without any experience and in the past 4 1/2 years I've gone from being the receptionist to being the Office Assistant to being a Program Coordinator for our second largest project and traveled all the way to Zimbabwe by myself to work with WHO and now I'm leaving as a part of the HR team. She said that she is so proud of my achievements, and I should be proud too. Seriously, I could never have done those things without her giving me a chance. I was 23 years old when I started working here, I had been working shitty retail and all I had was a high school diploma. She hired me and I worked my ass off, she promoted me to Office Assistant, and then it happened. See, after working as receptionist and as office staff everyone here gets to know you, and then they snatch you up if they like you enough. Well, we had recently won a new contract and the Project Manager wanted me to work as his Program Coordinator. Debbie called me to tell me the good news and although she didn't want to lose her assistant she knew that being a PC would be a great opportunity. I mean, a masters degree is one of the requirements for that job and I only had a high school diploma! It was a great experience, but I couldn't give them the kind of time that I needed to give to them when Howie and I started trying to have a baby, so I left. Debbie was now the HR Manager and hired me to be her assistant. She allowed me to work on a part-time basis so that I could take off whenever I needed to and not have to worry about sick leave. She's the best boss in the whole world. I really love her and I don't ever want to work for anyone else ever again because now I'm spoiled. Anyway, she started to cry again, as she has been all week, and I started to get teary. She said some other things but it's all a blur now. We hugged again and she left. I sat back down and looked around my office. I'm not coming back to this every morning. I'm going to miss my computer, tomorrow they're clearing it and giving to the new guy. He's going to have my computer, my ergonomic chair, my telephone extension (bye-bye ext. 5084), I won't have the balcony outside the HR office on the 11th floor, and I won't be entertained by the weird blonde across the way in the next building (bye-bye blonde woman). My desk is empty. I no longer have my big IKEA ZiZi plant on top of my file cabinet, or my silly family & friend pics on my book shelf next to my mini zen garden where I placed the little frogs that Les bought me in Puerto Rico, and my Russian dolls no longer sit on my other file cabinet with my fertility dolls from Zimbabwe. I still have them, but they aren't where they belong, in my office, where I belong from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM everyday. Now they'll be cute little choking hazards for my baby to play with at home. I haven't yet thrown out the empty tissue box on my desk. I'm also going to miss the chair in the reception area where I was sitting when I found out that I was pregnant. Worst of all I won't see the two wonderful ladies, Les & Sun, who were with me when I found out and cried along with me. Les, I'm also going to miss sitting in your guest chair chatting loudly to irritate the hell out of your jackass of an officemate. I'm going to miss those long talks about nothing in the middle of a boring day at work and then being caught by Debbie. All I know is that I miss every single inch of this office, even the dirt nasty Ladies Room.

*Side note to Lesley... I just realized that those Girl Scout cookies are still under my desk!!! CRAP! Umm... I'm leaving them there...*

Anyway, I hate that the asshat that will be picking up the few things I can't do from home is getting all of my stuff! I'm totally giving my ergonomic chair to my other co-worker, Chitra, because I swear that her chair is unsafe, and the little punk ass 22 year old that thinks he knows everything doesn't need excellent back support. That little punk told me 3 times in 1 hour that HE needed ME to clear everything off my desk tonight because they're moving him there tomorrow and he needs the space! He also implied that I'm dirty by asking in a half joking, half serious way if I would be providing him with rubber gloves and wipes! What the fuck!!! I should have tossed his bitchy ass right off of the fucking balcony. I'm so not dirty, I'm not just saying that, I'm seriously not dirty. When I was the receptionist I was grossed out by the nasty keyboard they had at the front desk. I actually took all the keys off of the keyboard so that I could clean each one, so fuck you, you little punk ass!

Ok, I don't want to end on that note. I have really enjoyed working here, even on the bad days, because the people here are really awesome and it breaks my heart to leave them. I have been crying in private every day because I'm so sad that I end up going into the ugly cry, and I wanted to spare everyone from a sight like that.

There has been one good moment today, but it's unrelated to me leaving my office. We got a call from our loan office today. Our loan has been completed!!!! Wooohooo!!!!!!!!! Only 24 hours before closing! I have to say, I really thought they'd fuck it up and I'd have to throw rotten fish at their building.

Another Way That My Infertility Can Screw Me Over

As you know, Howie and I are moving to CT. Like I said before, we have a contract on a house in Southern CT and our closing is scheduled for September 1st. Well, our first issue was that I wouldn't be there for the signing because not only will I be here watching the movers move our stuff out of the apartment, but I am on pelvic rest and my doctor has instructed me not to travel without assistance. Plus, it would be just stupid to travel up to CT, waste money on a train ticket and then drive back down for our pets. Anyway, there was the whole issue of me giving Howie Power of Attorney. The notarized form really goes to our lawyer handling the sale, but the bank that's giving us the loan wanted the original. Instead of just having me get another POA notarized they wanted to fight with our lawyer over who should get the one that had already been done. Well, the stupid 22 year old girl that works at the loan office and writes emails in Barbie Bubble Gum Pink to clients and the bank thought, for some unknown reason, that we were buying the house in NJ. Since we are actually buying a house in CT they won't be needing that POA from us, so I was then able to send the POA to the lawyers after a week of doing nothing with it at all. Instead of the POA they needed me to get a letter from my OB/GYN explaining that I am on pelvic rest and I can't travel without assistance which is why I gave my husband POA and then I needed to write a letter saying the same fucking thing. Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl reminds me of Tiffany from Lovespring International on Lifetime.

Then we had the issue with the fact that we had to borrow some money from my parents and Howie's parents for the down payment of the home. We had to have gift letters signed, copies of the checks, bank statements. The fact that they wanted to look into my mother and my father-in-law's bank accounts just pissed them off to no end because both of them felt that their privacy was being invaded because they were helping their kids out. Things were calmed down when they realized that they didn't have to show off all of their personal bank transactions. During this time there was more evidence that Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl was not quite right when she wrote Howie an email telling him that she no longer needed him to get a gift letter signed by his father because she had talked on the phone with his dad early that day and he had already signed and sent the letter to her. It turns out that his dad had NEVER talked to this girl and had NEVER heard about any gift letter until Howie mentioned it to him.

Then they sent us a huge list of things they'd need from us. Like 2004 and 2005 W-2s, a shit load of pay stubs, supervisors name and number, 3 goats, 2 chickens and our first born child. Since I wouldn't agree to giving them our first born child (considering I was barely able to obtain one for myself) I counter offered with 4 goats, 3 cows, 2 chickens and my barely used ovaries. They agreed and we all moved on.

Then came the big issue. The fact that my pay stubs from this year weren't reflecting my current salary or matching what my last W-2 showed is a major problem. Well, yes, I understand how that can look sketchy, but I had to move to part-time so that I'd have more flexibility with my hours during my fertility treatments because I had already used up all of my time off. Then once I was pregnant and had trouble keeping food down, bleeding, whatever, I had the flexibility and stayed home when I needed to. Anyway, I'm doing better now and I'm able to work more hours, things are fine. I'm also going to be working from my home in CT and I won't have to use sick days because if I'm sick I can sit in my bed in my pajamas with my laptop. It's all good. That doesn't help anything right now though. The bank is having issues because I wasn't working full time due to my fertility treatments so now they're asking all kinds of questions. I had to have my boss write THREE letters about why I was out and that after I move I will be working full time again. Because of the time I had to take off for my fertility treatments the bank was considering re-doing our loan based on my part-time salary instead of the real salary that I will now be earning!!! WTF!!! Not only do I feel like shit that I had to bother my boss three times to write three different letters I feel like shit for being infertile and fucking up our loan. We only have 9 more days until closing and I'm worried that this stupid issue will never get cleared up. Never would I have imagined (though I should have) that my infertility has any baring on wether or not we are granted a loan. Oh, and why did my boss have to write THREE letters to the loan office and bank? Because Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl was not able to properly communicate with the underwriter about what EXACTLY they needed my boss to say. When she told my husband that they were going to need a 3rd revision I went off. I told my boss and she nearly lost her fucking mind because, well, she has REAL WORK TO DO!!! Her job is not to write letters about my infertility issues and current job status for this stupid girl at the loan office. I told Howie that this was it, she had one last chance to get it right. That she better call that underwriter and write down EXACTLY what he needed the letter to say and then WRITE the letter and then SEND it to me so that I could forward it to my boss who would then sign the letter for the VERY LAST TIME and then they were to NEVER bother her again. So, she wrote the letter and emailed it to us. It's signed and a PDF copy has been sent to them. Let's just hope this is the end of it!

My First Baby Shower!

Yesterday Les threw me a baby shower with our Virginia friends, since I will be moving away in two weeks. It was really sweet of her. My mother and sister flew down Friday night so that they could attend. The baby shower was beautiful, the games were lots of fun, and the food was fabulous. It was at a really cute restaurant in Old Town Alexandria called Union Street Public House. Les had placed little rubber duckies at every setting around the table and five balloons were tied to my chair (one with a picture of a cute rubber ducky). Howie crashed the shower towards the end. He was right in time for dessert and opening gifts. I really enjoyed spending time with everyone, especially because I will be moving away at the beginning of next month. It breaks my heart to know that in a short time I will have to say goodbye to everyone.

My mom had ordered some maternity pajamas for me but they hadn’t arrived in time for the shower. She brought me a few small gifts, a Winnie the Pooh brush and comb set, an all-in-on bathing brush, and a tube of Balmex. My mom swears by it (Balmex) because when my sister was a baby she had a serious case of diaper rash. She tried everything, even the hardcore cream from the hospital, but Balmex was the only thing that worked. So, there you go.


My brother’s girlfriend, Jen, gave me the Fisher-Price Aquarium Bath Center (my sister recommended it, she has the same one and my niece loves it), Johnson’s bath time gift set, and a super soft white plush blanket. It’s so cuddly that if it was large enough I’d keep it for myself.


My boss and her husband bought me the Classic Pooh towel & washcloth set, 4 pack Gerber flannel burp clothes (2 with little paw prints and 2 with yellow and white stripes), 3 pack Gerber tagless zip front sleep ‘n play sleepers, a 4 pack Classic Pooh flannel receiving blankets, and a Classic Pooh fleece appliquéd blanket.

My friend, Lisa, made me a diaper cake. Yes, you can buy those online, but she actually made it. I like to pretend like I’m Martha Stewart sometimes, but Lisa wins. I could never construct a three tiered cake made out of baby items. Pfffft! I couldn’t make a three tiered cake out of real cake! Anyway, it was super cute. It has all sorts of things. There are Pampers Swaddlers diapers inside each tier, around those are blankets. Tied, pinned, or wedged in around the tiers are bottles stuffed with burp clothes, comb, brush, small Gerber Grins & Giggles body wash & lotion (lavender, oatmeal, and aloe), pacifiers, pacifier clip, rattles, little caterpillar toy, nail clippers, tweezers, teether, socks, onesies, and topped with a little plush lamb. So cute!


And Lesley, she gave me the shower and is knitting me the softest, cutest, yellow blanket, which I am also considering sharing with the baby. I love it! I showed it off all weekend, but I have to return it to her on Monday so that she can continue to knit. She apologized that it wasn’t finished yet, but that’s totally fine. I still have another 23 weeks to go, so there is plenty of time. I’m really thankful that Les is my friend. Not only is she an awesome knitter, she’s a wonderful, caring, giving friend. It breaks my heart to know that I won’t be seeing her every day. We were friends before we both began our journey along the dark path of infertility. I would never wish infertility on anyone, least of all Lesley, but if the two of us have to go through this I’m glad that we had each other. I’m going to miss our trips to Starbucks every day, wasting time chatting in the office when we should be working, going out to eat, wasting money we don’t have on spa treatments, and our occasional snark-fests. Thank you for the wonderful baby shower, Lesley.

Remember Me?

I’ve truly sucked at posting lately considering I haven’t posted at all. A lot has been going on and when there was nothing going on I was sleeping. I’m ALWAYS tired these days. The only time that I’m semi-functional is at work, so that’s where I’ve been trying to blog. Unfortunately something always comes up because, well, I’m at work. That seems to take over because I’m trying to do my best to please my boss so that when I move she’ll still gives me plenty of work to do rather than giving all of my work away to someone in the office. The whole working from home thing and still having the kick ass insurance and benefits that my company provides is a rather sweet deal. Only the golden children get to move away and keep their jobs, so I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side.

Anyway, what’s new? Where do I start?

P News

Last Tuesday at 4:30 pm I felt the baby kick for the first time. I know… I thought it was a bit early to feel it too, but it was the baby. It felt like little flutters and twitches. I shrugged it off at first, then it happened again and I paid more attention to it. It was strange to feel the baby moving inside of me. It was strange but wonderful. It’s all starting to seem more real, but I think that I’m still mostly in denial.

I’m a bit chubby, so the baby bump isn’t really showing… if there is one. Well, I could say that up until last week. I couldn’t actually see a change in my belly or even breast size, but my clothes started to look really stupid on me. I’m not worried about getting large and having a big belly. I’m actually looking forward to that because, like I said, I’m already a bit chubby so at least this round belly has something better in it than fat. My pants were starting to get kind of tight and hugged my lower fat roll/possible baby bump and my shirts were looking shorter which only showed off that lower fat roll/possible baby bump some more. This is the awkward stage that I don’t like. I’d like it if I went straight from being chubby to being hugely pregnant and just skip over that weird awkward stage where I look like I’ve been eating too many bags of potato chips and candy out of the vending machine at work. This week it’s about the same, I look silly, but I’m kind of able to see that it’s not just fat that I’m carrying around. I can see that I’m getting bigger, but it’s only clear to me when I’m naked. Others will still just think I’m pigging out on junk food.

I have, however, lost 16 lbs. total making pregnancy the best diet I’ve ever been on. I read an article about how it’s not ok to lose weight even if you are overweight when you get pregnant and then begin eating better, like I did. I’m still not giving the baby enough calories and that means that the baby is living off of my stored fat which means that the baby isn’t getting enough glucose and that is apparently really bad. So, I panicked and made my husband bring me shopping when he came back to VA for the weekend. I spent $350 on an ass load of fruits, veggies and other wonderful healthy things. I planned out meals and forced myself to eat more and drink at least one 8 oz. bottle of water every hour and a half at work. I ended up spending most of my day eating, drinking, and peeing. This was extremely disruptive and I really felt beyond full all of the time. Yes, I’d do anything for my baby so I sucked it up. Honestly though, I get full REALLY fast now that I’m pregnant. I want to vomit from eating so much, and that would just make all these eating pointless. So I’ve taken it down a notch. I’m eating more than I used to, but not eating as much as I as when I was obsessed about how many calories I was taking in. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they lost weight during their pregnancy and worried about it too, but in the end everything turned out to be fine. I can’t spend my entire day eating, drinking, and peeing. I have to work, I have to go out and do things, I have stuff to do in general and those things are impossible when you pee literally every 5 minutes or less, or when you are eating every 2 hours, or when you are drinking water every moment of every day. I am not starving and I doubt the baby is either. I just want to relax because it’s something that I haven’t been able to do since I found out that I was pregnant.

I’m extremely efficient and am perhaps too eager to plan pretty much everything that comes my way. I should really be a wedding consultant but I don’t want to work on the weekends. I’ve hired a birthing doula and will be starting birthing classes on September 6^th. It’s a bit early, but the next session would run past my due date and what good would that do me? I feel a bit silly that everyone else will be clearly pregnant and I’m going to walk in looking like I eat too much at buffets. I’m considering stuffing my shirt with a throw pillow before heading out to class but it would be pretty embarrassing if it didn’t stay put and I gave birth to a pillow. Kind of like middle school girls stuffing their bras with tissue and someone seeing it in the locker room. It’s just uncool. Anyway, I thought it would be nice to try to have the baby naturally and to have someone there that can help me with that, which is why I’ve hired a doula. I honestly don’t feel strongly one way or another about drugs vs. natural labor. I think that every woman should do what she is most comfortable with. I’m looking at it like my little adventure weekend trip in the wilderness that I went on in 7^th grade. One of my teachers talked me into going. There wasn’t anyone else on the trip that I really hung out with, most of them were older. I didn’t have a lot of confidence at the time and I think that my teacher was hoping this trip would help. Anyway, I am afraid of heights, large bugs, and I used to be really shy. During the trip I had to climb rocks, walk across a really high rope tied to two trees and sleep on the bare ground (LARGE BUGS CRAWL ON THE BARE GROUND!!!) with a bunch of people I’ve never socialized with before. All of those people cheered me on when I was climbing the rocks and walking on that rope and I got through it. Not only did I get through it but I was really proud of myself at the end of it all. I thought that with the doula and my husband there to help me and cheer me on that I could get through labor without the drugs and when, not if, I do I’ll be really proud of myself for being so strong. Of course if I opt for drugs I’ll be able to get some rest during the labor or maybe even play some scrabble. I’ll bring my doula and scrabble so that I’m ready for either scenario.

I think that’s it for P News. Let’s move on…

House Hunting/Moving News

We found a house, we have signed a contract on that house, and our closing date is scheduled for September 1^st. YAY!!! I will officially be leaving the DC metro area on September 2^nd and moving up to CT with all of my pets. The best part is that I will be able to see my husband all the time rather than just weekends. I’ve only seen pictures of the house, I haven’t actually been there yet. My husband and my in-laws have been to the house and they all say it’s great. I trust them and the pictures look fine. Right now a bird’s nest would be fine as long as I can live with my husband again.

Bad News

My friend, Les, needs some love. She’s going through a hard time, to say the least. My heart is just breaking for her. ::hugs & kisses:: to you, Les.

No News, Just Thanks

I wanted to say thank you for all of your comments on my last blog and all of your support. It was a bad day and I was pretty upset. I’m really glad that there hasn’t been any pregnancy drama since then and hopefully there won’t be anymore in the future.

Where's the Heartbeat?

I had an appointment with Dr. P today. I peed in a cup, got weighed, and had my blood pressure taken. So far things looked good. Then the nurse brought me into a room and had me lay down so that we could listen to the baby with the doppler while waiting for Dr. P to come in. We listened for it, and listened for it, and listened for it… for at least 10 minutes we tried to find it. Nothing! I stared up at the ceiling, I didn’t even want to see her face just incase she was thinking something was wrong. I tried to tell myself “Sometimes it’s hard for them to find the baby with the doppler in the beginning, this doesn’t mean that something is wrong.” Finally the nurse stopped, she said that sometimes babies can hide when they’re still small. She told me not to get upset, Dr. P would be right in and she would find the baby with the doppler. I waited for about 5 or 10 more minutes trying to remain calm, wishing that Howie was there and not in NYC. Finally Dr. P came in and asked me to lie down again. She put the Doppler on my abdomen… nothing. She looked for another 10 minutes or so and found nothing. She wasn’t saying anything and I started to get upset. I asked her if this meant that there was definitely something wrong or could it still be ok? She said, very much like it didn’t matter, “Well, the worse case scenario would be that you had a miscarriage.” Like that wouldn’t be a big deal at all! She said it the same way you’d say “Oh, we’re out of milk”! I couldn’t believe it! She finished writing something in my chart, turned around and said, “There is one of two things happening. Either the baby is fine and we just can’t hear the heartbeat or you’re having a miscarriage. I’ll call the ultrasound office so that you can go over there right now.” WOW!! No shit! Either the baby is alive or it’s dead! I’m so glad that you went through medical school and now get paid hundreds of dollars an hour because I would not have come up with that on my own! Sorry, she just pisses me off. I can’t wait to move and find a new doctor. So, anyway, I grab my purse and we walk out. She calls the ultrasound office and tells them that I need to have an ultrasound because we can’t hear a fetal heart tone at 13 weeks, that she’d like someone to see me in 30 minutes. I’m sent right out the door. I called Howie, then I called a cab, then I called Howie back. He tried to reassure me that the baby would be ok, then he said he was sorry that he wasn’t there with me, then he went back to saying that things would be fine. I just wanted to get to the ultrasound office so that I could know for sure. The cab ride was awful, the driver was slow and although it felt like 100 degrees outside and his AC wasn’t working he decided to put the windows up because there was something outside that was bothering him. My mind went blank. It was taking so long to get there and I just didn’t want to have a breakdown with this asshat as a witness. I just shut down. Once I got to the ultrasound office I checked in and sat down in the corner by myself. My mind started racing again. What am I going to see in there? What are the chances that it’s not ok? Is it more likely that I’ll get bad news or good news? If it’s bad news then I’ll never feel the baby kick. I’ll never give birth and hear my baby’s first cry. I’ll never know what it looked like. I won’t ever get to kiss it and say “Hi, I’m your mommy”. I’ll never get to take one of those cute pictures of Howie and the baby asleep on the couch. Just as my eyes started to well up with tears someone’s 2 year old daughter ran right up to me and smiled. I quickly wiped my tears away and said “Hi” cheerfully. She waved at me and ran away. That was it, I was about to have a full blown breakdown right there in the waiting room which was full of pregnant women and children. That’s when they called my name. I jumped up and we headed down the hallway. She told me that she was going to do a vaginal ultrasound and then maybe a regular ultrasound. I’m thinking, I don’t give a damn what you do, just do it! As she started to insert the wand I started to think that maybe I shouldn't look because if the heart wasn’t beating I didn’t want to see it. Before I could look away there was my baby and its beautiful beating heart. She turned the sound up so I could hear it and I started to cry. My little baby was waving its arms around, kicking, jumping, turning, just having a good time. She told me that its heart is beating at 166 beats per minute, then she measured everything from its nose to its spine. All the pieces measured perfectly. I’ve never been more relieved in my life. I called Howie in tears when I left to let him know that the baby was ok. I could hear him breathe a big sigh of relief on the other end. I told him all about the baby, what it looked like, what it was doing, I told him that I cried when I found out that the baby was ok. He told me that he was crying too.

I have one more appointment with Dr. P in 4 weeks before I move up to CT. I still don’t know exactly when that will be, but we’re close to making a decision about which house we want to make an offer on, so hopefully I’ll be moving in another 5 or 6 weeks. I really miss living with my husband.

Ok, one more picture, even though you're all probably sick of looking at pictures of the baby.

Falling in Love

Today is the first day of my second trimester! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Well, to be honest, I’ll believe I made it this far after my next OB/GYN appointment where I believe we will be listening to the heartbeat. If there is still a heartbeat I will let myself relax a little bit. I imagine that things are still fine though, only because I still feel wonderfully sick. I used to be sick nearly 24 hours a day, completely unable to keep anything down, but my body has given me a bit of a break. I’m now sick from around 7:30 pm to 11:30 am. I’ve lost more weight being pregnant than I did on Weight Watchers. I weighed myself yesterday morning because I swore that I had finally gained some weight but instead I found that I had lost 8 lbs. in the past two weeks! I haven’t seen a number that low on the scale in two years. Now it pops up, now that I want to gain weight. Of course I panicked, because I was already worried about the other 7 lbs. I had lost since the beginning of the second month, but 8 lbs. in two weeks? That can’t be good. I’ve been eating, I eat as often and as much as I can, it’s just that I can’t eat too much. It’s like my stomach has shrunk, I get full so fast. I’ve tried to eat little snacks in between my breakfast at home, my second breakfast at work, lunch, my first dinner and then my second dinner right before bed. I eat even when I feel sick. I only eat a little bit at a time, but still, I guess I’m not eating enough. I called my mother and she told me that it’s ok, that a lot of women will lose weight in the first trimester. She reminded me that she only gained 4 lbs. when she was pregnant with me. That’s when I reminded her that she actually didn’t gain any weight because I was 6 lbs. 6 oz. and her doctor was awful because made her go to Overeaters Anonymous and told her that she was unbelievably fat at every appointment even though she really wasn’t. She still insisted that I was perfectly normal and not to worry. I’ll talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment to be sure.

Yesterday was the first day that I let myself imagine what my baby will be like. A few days before that I had just realized that this baby might be a real thing. It was a big “HOLY CRAP! I have a real baby in there… I think… and it’s a part of me and a part of Howie! OMG!!! Howie and I made a baby, a little person with a heartbeat and a head and arms and legs! It’s a person and it’s actually still growing inside of me… I think.” Up until this point I think I’ve been sort of disconnected. Of course it’s amazing to see the baby on the screen, to see and hear its heart beating, and yes, I fell in love with it the moment I saw it as a little blastocyst. It’s just that I haven’t really accepted that I’m in fact pregnant, that there might actually be a chance that Howie and I will come home with a little baby in 6 more months! It might actually, MAYBE, be ok for me to think of it as a real person, because it might actually become one! So, yesterday, for the first time I was imagining what our baby would be like, what it would look like, what mannerisms it would have that would remind us of each other. I fell in love with it all over again, no matter what it turns out like, I’m going to love it and I can’t wait to meet it. Then a few hours later the negative side of me started up. How could I let myself day dream like that? What if I go in for my appointment next week and there isn’t a heartbeat? What if I lose the baby? After getting a grip I realized that if I don’t relax I’m going to miss out on everything. What if the baby makes it and I never enjoyed this time? I’ve been waiting so long for this and I’m not even allowing myself to connect with my baby. I’m cheating myself out of the whole experience because I’m afraid of losing something I’m afraid to fall in love with, but really, I fell in love with this baby a long time ago. So I have to stop this.
So, part of my bonding is talking to the baby, because I read somewhere that the baby might be able to hear me now. It’s not like I have Howie around to talk to, so talk to the baby. I tell it about its daddy, that he misses it now that he’s away. We also talk about what we’re going to eat for dinner, what’s on TV, how I’m too tired to take a shower or brush my hair now that it’s drained all of the energy out of me. Before bed I blow it kisses and say goodnight. So far I think that my child thinks I’m boring and that I watch way too much trash TV. This isn’t a complaint, just a fact, I am so insanely tired lately. By the time I get home I barely have enough energy to make something to eat and shower before I crash. I don’t even want to comb my hair or put on my pajamas when I get out of the shower. I just flop down on my bed until I become so cold from the air conditioning that I force myself up to get dressed and blow dry my hair. I can’t wait to find a home so that Howie can take care of the cooking and cleaning and I can do my best to take care of my personal hygiene. I just wanted you all to know that I’ve been reading your blogs and sometimes I comment if I have the energy to form a sentence, but if I haven’t commented I’m still reading and thinking of you. I would be better about commenting on the weekends if I weren’t reuniting with my husband, cleaning and house hunting. As soon as we settle on a house I will have more time to relax and recharge on the weekend, and I promise as soon as that happens I will be commenting again.

Lonely

My husband started his new job in NYC a week ago. Howie is staying with his parents in NJ and I’m still working and living in VA until we find a home. Howie came back to see me on Friday night and left early this morning. It was so good to see him, but it was so hard to say goodbye again so soon. He woke up early and boarded a train for CT so that he could meet with our realtor. He saw a house that he seems to really like, so maybe we’ll be living together again soon. We’ll see.

I’ve been pretty bummed out all day. I really miss having him around. He’s my best friend. I knew right away when I met him 9 years ago that he was the one for me. Now I love him a thousand times more than I did then and I can’t imagine life without him. It’s not that I need him around to take care of me, I can take care of myself. It’s just that he’s my best friend, he’s my soul mate, and when we’re apart I miss having that companionship. He’s a great husband and he’s going to be an amazing father. He’s very sweet, caring and respectful. He tries very hard to understand what I’m feeling and always listens to what I have to say. He cares about our relationship, he doesn’t just give up when we’re having a hard time. I love him for all of these reasons, and more. I can’t wait until we find a home so that I can be with him again.

As for P news, Wednesday will be the last day of my first trimester. I can’t believe it. It still doesn’t seem real to me. Not that the symptoms aren’t there, but I don’t think it has actually clicked with me yet. My most recent craving is for oranges. I don’t just crave them though, I have orange envy is other people are eating them. I want to steal their oranges. It’s insane, it doesn’t matter if I just ate an orange, I still want one. My next OB/GYN appointment is July 27^th. That will be the last appointment I have with my doctor in VA. I contacted the hospital in the town that we plan to move to and asked for a list of OB/GYNs that deliver there. They not only emailed me a list of OB/GYNs, they also emailed me a list of pediatricians. Pediatricians! I didn’t even think of that! I’m still taking it one day at a time, still afraid that I’ll find blood every time I go to the bathroom. I’m actually worried to enter my second trimester because if the nausea disappears how will I know that I’m pregnant? Obviously I’ll start to gain more weight, but I’ve become comfortable with the nausea being my main indicator of how this pregnancy is going. As long as I’m sick I feel like things are going well. I’m going to have to learn to trust my body again, which is difficult after having been let down by it so much. I have to trust that things are going just fine in there and not need a weekly update to feel reassured, because I’m not going to have that anymore.

A Sigh of Relief

The ultrasound went well this morning. Little Nugget is bigger and is actually starting to look like a little person, or maybe it's just that the ultrasound machine they used today is better than the one at our fertility clinic. We also heard the heartbeat! It was amazing! It's now beating at 172 beats per minute, which she said was good. She saw a place in my uterus where I had some implantation bleeding. She told me that I needed to take it easy, no exercise, no speed walking, no sex (damn it!), and no heavy lifting. All I should be doing right now is relaxing. I think I can handle that. I'm so unbelievably tired that all I want to do right now is sleep. Unfortunately I need to go to work in just a little while.

Here are the pictures from the ultrasound:

Have I Just Been Accepted into the P Club?

I went to my first prenatal appointment with my OB yesterday. The nurse took my blood pressure, tapped my vein, and then asked me a few questions. When she finished asking me questions she gave me a folder full of information about breast feeding, birth classes, lactation consultants, preadmissions paper work, information about what will happen in the last six weeks of pregnancy and cord blood banking. Umm, thank you for all the info about the middle and end of my pregnancy. Oh, they also included two pregnancy magazines. The second package she handed me was for registering at Target??? I thought it was a little odd. The third package was full of coupons. I guess this is my welcome package from the pregnancy club. It felt strange. I don’t belong to that club, and I think I still kind of hate those bitches. It sort of feels like I’m one of those losers in school that isn’t a part of the popular crowd until I walk into school with the right pair of jeans on and then I’m suddenly they want me to be a part of their click. I still don’t think of myself as one of them because I don’t think I’ll ever really be like them. Of course I’ll be pregnant like the rest of them, but we won’t look at things the same way. Ok, I won’t get into that whole ugly thing because I’ll just end up sounding bitchy. I’m too tired to say things with tact right now.

Once I received my welcome package the nurse brought Howie and I into Dr. P’s office. She asked us some questions and then started to tell us what the end of the pregnancy would be like, where they deliver, all of this stuff that didn’t matter because we’re moving. So I interrupted her to remind her that we were moving. She had barely remembered seeing me two days earlier and only remembered when she looked at my chart. Howie asked if we could have an ultrasound and she said, “Oh, no, she was only bleeding because of the pap smear.” So I mentioned, as I had before the pap smear, that the bleeding had started Tuesday morning BEFORE my appointment. She repeated that it was just my cervix and that they couldn’t do an ultrasound because they don’t actually have an ultrasound machine in their office. She moved on from that like it was no big deal. Howie and I considered accepting that things were fine until we spoke to his father who was so pissed off that the doctor didn’t seem to care. He asked when we’d have an ultrasound and we told him that it probably wouldn’t be until after we moved because the doctor wasn’t going to send me for an ultrasound during my 12^th week visit. I think that’s when it sunk in for me, we really won’t have a clue if the baby is ok until some time in my second trimester. That really upset me, what if I just let it wait that long and I thought things were just fine just to go in and find out that the baby died. Howie called the doctor again this morning because I didn’t have any privacy in my office at all and Dr. P agreed to order an ultrasound for me next week. The ultrasound is now scheduled for next Thursday.

The bleeding stopped Tuesday night, I am still experiencing nausea, exhaustion, food cravings, and food aversions, so I’m hoping that is good news. I wanted to thank all of you for your comments and support after the loss of Small Fry and after my bleeding began on Tuesday. I really appreciate it. I’m still trying to catch up on my blog reading, Howie and I have been busy house hunting on the weekends and with doctor appointments during the week. I’ve been sleeping a lot too. This weekend we are headed to CT for house hunting and visiting with family. Luckily we will have access to high speed internet so I will have a chance to catch up on my reading.

Bleeding

I woke up yesterday morning to find that I was bleeding. At first the blood was brownish, and even though I know that sometimes happens in a perfectly healthy pregnancy I decided that I was going to stay home from work. Luckily I already had an appointment to see my OB for a pap smear later in the day. I wasn’t bleeding like I had my period, just when I wiped, but there was quite a bit of blood. Around 8:00 am the brownish color turned to bright red. That really had me worried, so I decided the best way to get through the next few hours was to just sleep.

Howie went to Dr. Google for some answers. He called to tell me that he found many sites that said it was normal. I told him that when I had my miscarriage they told me that light pink spotting was normal too, but it ended up being a miscarriage. Before I left to go to my OB I checked for blood and it looked like the bleeding had stopped. So I relaxed about it a bit and decided, maybe this was normal.

It was weird being at my OB’s office again. All the patients are pregnant and the staff wouldn’t know your name if they didn’t have your records in front of them. I wish that REs delivered babies too. Anyway, I told my OB, Dr. P, about the bleeding when she came in. She didn’t seem too concerned at first because I am taking Prometrium and one of the side effects is bleeding or spotting. Then she went in for the swab. Dr. P told me that as soon as she touched my cervix it started to bleed, and not just a little bit of blood, it was a lot of blood. She went on to say that she believes that it’s only external and that during pregnancy it’s normal for a woman’s cervix to become very sensitive and bleed. She said she was trying to clean it up a bit so that I wouldn’t get scared from seeing all of the blood. I was thinking that if a light brush up against my cervix would make it bleed that there wouldn’t really be a way to clean it up, that she was only going to cause more bleeding if she kept fussing with it. She kept talking about how much blood there was, but not to be worried, but holy shit, that’s a lot of blood! She had this worried look on her face and at one point she even held one of the blood drenched swabs to show me how much bright red blood was coming out of me. Yes, seeing all that blood really made me feel confident that things were perfectly fine! After going through a few dozen swabs she lubed up her hand and shoved it inside of me, I’m not sure what for. I wasn’t really focused on what she was doing as much as I was focused on how uncomfortable it was to have her hand up in there like that. She then pulled her hand out and threw away her blood covered glove. She said that she looked forward to seeing me for my first prenatal appointment on Thursday, handed me a pad and said congratulations.

Umm, so I don’t know what to think right now. She told me that it was all ok and that I shouldn’t worry, but the expression on her face and all the blood told me to worry. It seems totally reasonable to me that the bleeding is from my sensitive cervix and that it’s not from my baby, but is my cervix bleeding too much? She looked worried about something but she wasn’t saying anything, so what does that mean? I felt like she was just telling me things were fine to keep me calm, not because things were really fine. I guess I’ll ask her more questions at my appointment tomorrow. I’m curious to see what my first prenatal appointment at my OB’s office will include. Do I have another ultrasound? Or do they just weigh me and give me a pile of information about what to expect when you’re pregnant?

Bitter Sweet

Our week 8 ultrasound showed that Small Fry was no more. Doctor Sunshine looked for a heartbeat for a moment, but there was nothing. She hadn’t turned the screen so that I could see so I looked up at Howie and he just shook his head. She quickly showed me that the sac had shrunk a little bit and then quickly moved over to Little Nugget. My heart just sank.

Little Nugget has grown and looks healthy. Its little heart was beating 158 beats per minute. Doctor Sunshine said that was great. She took lots of pictures and we looked at it for a few minutes. She explained where its head was and that the dark space was its brain. It looks a little bigger than it did last time, but it still resembles a chicken nugget or a gummy bear.

I think that I probably appeared to be underwhelmed by my beautiful baby. That wasn’t it at all. I can’t explain how much I love Little Nugget and how amazing it is to watch its little heart beating. I’m so happy that I don’t have words for it, but it was all mixed with the unbelievable sadness I feel for our loss of Small Fry. I was in love with the both of them. Yes, we’re grateful for Little Nugget and we know that we’re lucky that we aren’t left with nothing like we were after my miscarriage. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel equally heartbroken as I was when I lost our first baby. I am happy that we have Little Nugget, but I don’t want to act like because we still have one that it’s ok that we lost Small Fry.

Doctor Sunshine gave us both a hug and said congratulations. We said goodbye to everyone on our way out. It was sad that it was our last appointment there. They’re all really wonderful people. Everyone knows your name and they all knew what was going on with my cycles and always had something comforting to say. I’m really going to miss them.

On the way home Howie told me that he felt sad about Small Fry too. Then he said that Small Fry had given everything to Little Nugget to make sure that it continued to grow to be healthy and strong. That made me cry. I t’s a nice way to look at it. I guess if I had to lose Small Fry its better that I lost him now rather than further down the road. I don’t want to miss out on the wonderful new things that I will experience with this pregnancy, I just wanted some time to mourn Small Fry.

Last weekend Howie and I told our parents that I’m pregnant. We gave them these little silver photo albums that can also stand up on a table or whatever. On the outside of the album it says “Grandkids”. The first picture in the album was the blastocysts photo, second was the ultrasound photo of Little Nugget and the third was the ultrasound of Small Fry. We gave the photo album to my parents on Friday. My father knew as soon as he saw it that I was pregnant. It took my mother a little longer. My sister had a baby two months ago and Howie and I weren’t going to do our first IVF until July, so my mother thought she was looking at old ultrasounds from my sister’s pregnancy. She couldn’t understand why we’d give her old ultrasound photos when they had plenty real photos of the baby. Then she got it and said, “So, you’re pregnant right now?” They were very excited. Later that night my mother gave me a bunch of crackers and her raspberry gingerale to help me with the nausea. When they got home from RI my mother showed the pictures to all of our family.


On Sunday we gave the same gift to Howie’s parents. They both knew that I was pregnant as soon as they saw it. They looked at the pictures, then looked at each other and kissed. It was cute. His father gave me a 5 minute hug. They’ve been through a lot in the past year. His mother had colon cancer, which she has since recovered from, and there have been other hard times in his family, plus my miscarriage in December. His mother said, “This has turned a very bad year into a very good year.” That was good to hear, it was nice to see them smile. As we were leaving his father said, “Howie’s going to be a father.” I think it really hit them at that moment, they looked a little teary. It felt so good to share our news with them.

Midnight Snack

It’s past midnight and I’m up eating apple sauce. It’s one of the few things I can keep down. I’m now 7 weeks 1 day pregnant. I’m sick as all hell, no matter how much I eat I’m ALWAYS starving, I’m exhausted, I have brain fog, my boobs hurt just a bit but my nipples are itchy???? I’m also really gassy and I pee about every 15 minutes. It’s fine though, I’m not complaining. The symptoms are like a security blanket, it makes me believe that things are going along just fine.

I have worried a bit about Small Fry. What if he did stop developing? Then I wonder, why would he? He was behind before but he attached and grew a yolk sac and fetal pole. That has to count for something, right? And Little Nugget was the only embryo so developed, the other five embryos were at the same stage as Small Fry. Technically that means Small Fry is average and Little Nugget is above average. Or does that mean that Little Nugget is average and Small Fry & Friends were below average? What if we get to our ultrasound on the 22^nd and Small Fry is no more? Should I have been more careful about getting attached? No, how could I not get attached, I saw him in there. Falling in love with him wasn’t a choice, it was involuntary. I just want to see his little heart beating at the next ultrasound.

Les and I ordered Chinese food with another co-worker today. I was feeling pretty sick when we sat down to eat. I had only eaten saltines and ginger ale because my stomach was feeling a bit iffy. I noticed my hands shaking when we began eating. Not good. The rest of the day I obsessed about how bad I was for not eating more. I know that I can’t keep it down, and just the thought of swallowing anything makes me want to vomit, but I could have tried to eat so much more! I started to think that because I’m not feeding the babies enough that I’m going to kill them. I’m so frustrated because I’m trying to do everything I’ve been told to do in order to combat the nausea, but it’s just not working. I’m trying desperately to figure out what else I can eat or ways to trick myself into keeping things down. Right now I know I can eat Chinese food, apple sauce, saltines (barely), ginger ale, toast (barely), and oatmeal. It’s not much, but I’m trying to do what I can with it. Chugging water from my water bottle yesterday almost made me vomit immediately. In order to stop myself from vomiting I begged my husband to distract me with a story, any story. He told me a story about being attacked by a duck when he was a child, and it worked. I know it’s silly to obsess and there are many women who can’t keep a thing down during their first trimester, but I’m freaking out because I’m sure that if I’m as hungry as I am that they are near death. That’s why I’m up right now. I realized that I was so hungry that I was getting a headache so I got up to eat some apple sauce, but what I really want is some Chinese food. I sort of want oatmeal but I’m too lazy to heat the water.

I just want to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open but for some reason I still can’t fall asleep. I was going to go to work early because I’m leaving early so that Howie and I can get to RI at a semi-reasonable time tomorrow… errr… tonight. I can’t wait to tell my parents that I’m pregnant. They’re going to be so surprised, I can’t wait to see their faces! I’ve been feeling so miserable this week and so many times I reached for the phone to call my mom and then remembered that she didn’t know yet. I can’t stand keeping the secret anymore. I sent my uncle his birthday card (we have the same birthday… Saturday) and I included the ultrasound pictures for him to share with my aunt and cousins. It feels weird telling people that I’m pregnant. It still doesn’t seem real, and I’m still afraid to let people know, but I know that as soon as my mother finds out that the whole world will know. I wanted my uncle, aunt and cousins to hear it from me. I sent it with his card because I didn’t want him to find out before my mother did.

I better finish my apple sauce, then go potty, and then return to bed… it’s pretty late!

Proof of Life

After all the worrying I did all day yesterday, all last night, and all morning, it turns out that things are just fine.

There are two babies. Both Babies A and B, more affectionately known as Little Nugget and Small Fry, have a fetal pole and yolk sac. Little Nugget is bigger than Small Fry, and we are assuming that Small Fry is our little slacker blastocyst.


Small Fry has always been a step or two behind, but we love him anyway. And yes, I said "he" and "him" because I just imagine that Small Fry will end up being like that little boy from Jerry Maguire. A small awkward child with big glasses, but so damn cute that you could just eat him up. So, that's why I say "he". Anyway, Small Fry does not have a visible heartbeat right now. Dr. Sunshine said that either he will stop developing or that he's just a little bit behind. I think he'll be ok, he may be slow but he is strong. I mean, he was behind before but he attached himself and grew a fetal pole and yolk sac. I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. Maybe we'll see a heartbeat at our next ultrasound on June 22nd.

Little Nugget did have a visible heartbeat today. The wand lady was measuring and explaining everything that we were looking at and then she pointed at this flicker and said, "That flicker is a heartbeat". A HEARTBEAT! We saw our baby's heart beating! It was surreal. Howie said that he shed a tear but I missed it because I had my eyes glued to the monitor. All I could say was "Awwww". I didn't cry, I didn't even think to because I was so focused on observing every little thing I could about the smudges on the screen that are my babies. I was facinated by them, so far that's what Howie and I look like all together in one person, well actually, two people. They are the most beautiful things that I've ever seen in my entire life.

Doctor Sunshine and Wand Lady left the room and Howie and I were alone. I was still in awe from the whole scan and Howie was happier than I'd ever seen him. He gave me a kiss and we looked at the photos. Once we were in the car everything started to hit me and I began to cry. I have totally fallen in love with them. I know that it's still very early, but this is further than I've ever been before, and I don't want to worry about the next hurdle right now. I probably should, it's something that I'm used to doing, but I just saw them and they look as good as I could have hoped. Like Les said to me the other day, bad things could happen at any stage in my pregnancy, there's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't matter if I worry or if I relax, if something happend to them my heart would break, the only difference is that if I relax I'll be able to enjoy them now. So, for now, I'm going to relax.

Rising Numbers

Howie and I have returned from our cruise. It was good, but I'm happy to be home. I had my second beta test this morning. According to Dr. Google my hCG level should have been somewhere between 5163 and 5427 today. When my nurse called with my results she was very excited, she said that my numbers really went up a lot. My hCG is 10,380 today! I will have my first ultrasound on Thursday.

We haven't told our parents that I'm pregnant yet. Last time we told our parents right away and then had to tell them that I was having a miscarriage after the third beta. I just can't imagine telling them so soon this time because it's too early to say it with excitment, and I want it to be a happy and exciting moment for us all when they find out. Even if the numbers are good, I need to SEE that everything is ok... at least for now. I know that a good ultrasound doesn't mean that I won't have a miscarriage, but at least I'll be further along than I was last time.

So this is the plan. On Father's Day weekend Howie and I will be in RI with my family for my brother's grad school graduation, my birthday and Father's Day. That Saturday we plan on giving my father the picture of the first ultrasound in a frame as his Father's Day gift. Then we're going to head to NJ early that Sunday (Father's Day) to meet Howie's parents for brunch. That's when we're going to give the same gift to Howie's father. We can't wait to see their faces. Let's just hope that the ultrasound goes well.

Before I Depart...

I just wanted to thank everyone who left messages to say congratulations. I'm heading off to board the cruise ship in a little bit so I may be out of touch for a while. I'll try to get online to read your blogs and to check in on MoMo and Sube. I'm looking forward to being on vacation, but I can't wait to get back and take the next two beta tests. I'll fill you in on the trip when I return next Saturday.