Another Way That My Infertility Can Screw Me Over

As you know, Howie and I are moving to CT. Like I said before, we have a contract on a house in Southern CT and our closing is scheduled for September 1st. Well, our first issue was that I wouldn't be there for the signing because not only will I be here watching the movers move our stuff out of the apartment, but I am on pelvic rest and my doctor has instructed me not to travel without assistance. Plus, it would be just stupid to travel up to CT, waste money on a train ticket and then drive back down for our pets. Anyway, there was the whole issue of me giving Howie Power of Attorney. The notarized form really goes to our lawyer handling the sale, but the bank that's giving us the loan wanted the original. Instead of just having me get another POA notarized they wanted to fight with our lawyer over who should get the one that had already been done. Well, the stupid 22 year old girl that works at the loan office and writes emails in Barbie Bubble Gum Pink to clients and the bank thought, for some unknown reason, that we were buying the house in NJ. Since we are actually buying a house in CT they won't be needing that POA from us, so I was then able to send the POA to the lawyers after a week of doing nothing with it at all. Instead of the POA they needed me to get a letter from my OB/GYN explaining that I am on pelvic rest and I can't travel without assistance which is why I gave my husband POA and then I needed to write a letter saying the same fucking thing. Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl reminds me of Tiffany from Lovespring International on Lifetime.

Then we had the issue with the fact that we had to borrow some money from my parents and Howie's parents for the down payment of the home. We had to have gift letters signed, copies of the checks, bank statements. The fact that they wanted to look into my mother and my father-in-law's bank accounts just pissed them off to no end because both of them felt that their privacy was being invaded because they were helping their kids out. Things were calmed down when they realized that they didn't have to show off all of their personal bank transactions. During this time there was more evidence that Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl was not quite right when she wrote Howie an email telling him that she no longer needed him to get a gift letter signed by his father because she had talked on the phone with his dad early that day and he had already signed and sent the letter to her. It turns out that his dad had NEVER talked to this girl and had NEVER heard about any gift letter until Howie mentioned it to him.

Then they sent us a huge list of things they'd need from us. Like 2004 and 2005 W-2s, a shit load of pay stubs, supervisors name and number, 3 goats, 2 chickens and our first born child. Since I wouldn't agree to giving them our first born child (considering I was barely able to obtain one for myself) I counter offered with 4 goats, 3 cows, 2 chickens and my barely used ovaries. They agreed and we all moved on.

Then came the big issue. The fact that my pay stubs from this year weren't reflecting my current salary or matching what my last W-2 showed is a major problem. Well, yes, I understand how that can look sketchy, but I had to move to part-time so that I'd have more flexibility with my hours during my fertility treatments because I had already used up all of my time off. Then once I was pregnant and had trouble keeping food down, bleeding, whatever, I had the flexibility and stayed home when I needed to. Anyway, I'm doing better now and I'm able to work more hours, things are fine. I'm also going to be working from my home in CT and I won't have to use sick days because if I'm sick I can sit in my bed in my pajamas with my laptop. It's all good. That doesn't help anything right now though. The bank is having issues because I wasn't working full time due to my fertility treatments so now they're asking all kinds of questions. I had to have my boss write THREE letters about why I was out and that after I move I will be working full time again. Because of the time I had to take off for my fertility treatments the bank was considering re-doing our loan based on my part-time salary instead of the real salary that I will now be earning!!! WTF!!! Not only do I feel like shit that I had to bother my boss three times to write three different letters I feel like shit for being infertile and fucking up our loan. We only have 9 more days until closing and I'm worried that this stupid issue will never get cleared up. Never would I have imagined (though I should have) that my infertility has any baring on wether or not we are granted a loan. Oh, and why did my boss have to write THREE letters to the loan office and bank? Because Ms. Barbie-Bubble-Gum-Pink-Loan-Girl was not able to properly communicate with the underwriter about what EXACTLY they needed my boss to say. When she told my husband that they were going to need a 3rd revision I went off. I told my boss and she nearly lost her fucking mind because, well, she has REAL WORK TO DO!!! Her job is not to write letters about my infertility issues and current job status for this stupid girl at the loan office. I told Howie that this was it, she had one last chance to get it right. That she better call that underwriter and write down EXACTLY what he needed the letter to say and then WRITE the letter and then SEND it to me so that I could forward it to my boss who would then sign the letter for the VERY LAST TIME and then they were to NEVER bother her again. So, she wrote the letter and emailed it to us. It's signed and a PDF copy has been sent to them. Let's just hope this is the end of it!

My First Baby Shower!

Yesterday Les threw me a baby shower with our Virginia friends, since I will be moving away in two weeks. It was really sweet of her. My mother and sister flew down Friday night so that they could attend. The baby shower was beautiful, the games were lots of fun, and the food was fabulous. It was at a really cute restaurant in Old Town Alexandria called Union Street Public House. Les had placed little rubber duckies at every setting around the table and five balloons were tied to my chair (one with a picture of a cute rubber ducky). Howie crashed the shower towards the end. He was right in time for dessert and opening gifts. I really enjoyed spending time with everyone, especially because I will be moving away at the beginning of next month. It breaks my heart to know that in a short time I will have to say goodbye to everyone.

My mom had ordered some maternity pajamas for me but they hadn’t arrived in time for the shower. She brought me a few small gifts, a Winnie the Pooh brush and comb set, an all-in-on bathing brush, and a tube of Balmex. My mom swears by it (Balmex) because when my sister was a baby she had a serious case of diaper rash. She tried everything, even the hardcore cream from the hospital, but Balmex was the only thing that worked. So, there you go.


My brother’s girlfriend, Jen, gave me the Fisher-Price Aquarium Bath Center (my sister recommended it, she has the same one and my niece loves it), Johnson’s bath time gift set, and a super soft white plush blanket. It’s so cuddly that if it was large enough I’d keep it for myself.


My boss and her husband bought me the Classic Pooh towel & washcloth set, 4 pack Gerber flannel burp clothes (2 with little paw prints and 2 with yellow and white stripes), 3 pack Gerber tagless zip front sleep ‘n play sleepers, a 4 pack Classic Pooh flannel receiving blankets, and a Classic Pooh fleece appliquéd blanket.

My friend, Lisa, made me a diaper cake. Yes, you can buy those online, but she actually made it. I like to pretend like I’m Martha Stewart sometimes, but Lisa wins. I could never construct a three tiered cake made out of baby items. Pfffft! I couldn’t make a three tiered cake out of real cake! Anyway, it was super cute. It has all sorts of things. There are Pampers Swaddlers diapers inside each tier, around those are blankets. Tied, pinned, or wedged in around the tiers are bottles stuffed with burp clothes, comb, brush, small Gerber Grins & Giggles body wash & lotion (lavender, oatmeal, and aloe), pacifiers, pacifier clip, rattles, little caterpillar toy, nail clippers, tweezers, teether, socks, onesies, and topped with a little plush lamb. So cute!


And Lesley, she gave me the shower and is knitting me the softest, cutest, yellow blanket, which I am also considering sharing with the baby. I love it! I showed it off all weekend, but I have to return it to her on Monday so that she can continue to knit. She apologized that it wasn’t finished yet, but that’s totally fine. I still have another 23 weeks to go, so there is plenty of time. I’m really thankful that Les is my friend. Not only is she an awesome knitter, she’s a wonderful, caring, giving friend. It breaks my heart to know that I won’t be seeing her every day. We were friends before we both began our journey along the dark path of infertility. I would never wish infertility on anyone, least of all Lesley, but if the two of us have to go through this I’m glad that we had each other. I’m going to miss our trips to Starbucks every day, wasting time chatting in the office when we should be working, going out to eat, wasting money we don’t have on spa treatments, and our occasional snark-fests. Thank you for the wonderful baby shower, Lesley.

Remember Me?

I’ve truly sucked at posting lately considering I haven’t posted at all. A lot has been going on and when there was nothing going on I was sleeping. I’m ALWAYS tired these days. The only time that I’m semi-functional is at work, so that’s where I’ve been trying to blog. Unfortunately something always comes up because, well, I’m at work. That seems to take over because I’m trying to do my best to please my boss so that when I move she’ll still gives me plenty of work to do rather than giving all of my work away to someone in the office. The whole working from home thing and still having the kick ass insurance and benefits that my company provides is a rather sweet deal. Only the golden children get to move away and keep their jobs, so I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side.

Anyway, what’s new? Where do I start?

P News

Last Tuesday at 4:30 pm I felt the baby kick for the first time. I know… I thought it was a bit early to feel it too, but it was the baby. It felt like little flutters and twitches. I shrugged it off at first, then it happened again and I paid more attention to it. It was strange to feel the baby moving inside of me. It was strange but wonderful. It’s all starting to seem more real, but I think that I’m still mostly in denial.

I’m a bit chubby, so the baby bump isn’t really showing… if there is one. Well, I could say that up until last week. I couldn’t actually see a change in my belly or even breast size, but my clothes started to look really stupid on me. I’m not worried about getting large and having a big belly. I’m actually looking forward to that because, like I said, I’m already a bit chubby so at least this round belly has something better in it than fat. My pants were starting to get kind of tight and hugged my lower fat roll/possible baby bump and my shirts were looking shorter which only showed off that lower fat roll/possible baby bump some more. This is the awkward stage that I don’t like. I’d like it if I went straight from being chubby to being hugely pregnant and just skip over that weird awkward stage where I look like I’ve been eating too many bags of potato chips and candy out of the vending machine at work. This week it’s about the same, I look silly, but I’m kind of able to see that it’s not just fat that I’m carrying around. I can see that I’m getting bigger, but it’s only clear to me when I’m naked. Others will still just think I’m pigging out on junk food.

I have, however, lost 16 lbs. total making pregnancy the best diet I’ve ever been on. I read an article about how it’s not ok to lose weight even if you are overweight when you get pregnant and then begin eating better, like I did. I’m still not giving the baby enough calories and that means that the baby is living off of my stored fat which means that the baby isn’t getting enough glucose and that is apparently really bad. So, I panicked and made my husband bring me shopping when he came back to VA for the weekend. I spent $350 on an ass load of fruits, veggies and other wonderful healthy things. I planned out meals and forced myself to eat more and drink at least one 8 oz. bottle of water every hour and a half at work. I ended up spending most of my day eating, drinking, and peeing. This was extremely disruptive and I really felt beyond full all of the time. Yes, I’d do anything for my baby so I sucked it up. Honestly though, I get full REALLY fast now that I’m pregnant. I want to vomit from eating so much, and that would just make all these eating pointless. So I’ve taken it down a notch. I’m eating more than I used to, but not eating as much as I as when I was obsessed about how many calories I was taking in. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they lost weight during their pregnancy and worried about it too, but in the end everything turned out to be fine. I can’t spend my entire day eating, drinking, and peeing. I have to work, I have to go out and do things, I have stuff to do in general and those things are impossible when you pee literally every 5 minutes or less, or when you are eating every 2 hours, or when you are drinking water every moment of every day. I am not starving and I doubt the baby is either. I just want to relax because it’s something that I haven’t been able to do since I found out that I was pregnant.

I’m extremely efficient and am perhaps too eager to plan pretty much everything that comes my way. I should really be a wedding consultant but I don’t want to work on the weekends. I’ve hired a birthing doula and will be starting birthing classes on September 6^th. It’s a bit early, but the next session would run past my due date and what good would that do me? I feel a bit silly that everyone else will be clearly pregnant and I’m going to walk in looking like I eat too much at buffets. I’m considering stuffing my shirt with a throw pillow before heading out to class but it would be pretty embarrassing if it didn’t stay put and I gave birth to a pillow. Kind of like middle school girls stuffing their bras with tissue and someone seeing it in the locker room. It’s just uncool. Anyway, I thought it would be nice to try to have the baby naturally and to have someone there that can help me with that, which is why I’ve hired a doula. I honestly don’t feel strongly one way or another about drugs vs. natural labor. I think that every woman should do what she is most comfortable with. I’m looking at it like my little adventure weekend trip in the wilderness that I went on in 7^th grade. One of my teachers talked me into going. There wasn’t anyone else on the trip that I really hung out with, most of them were older. I didn’t have a lot of confidence at the time and I think that my teacher was hoping this trip would help. Anyway, I am afraid of heights, large bugs, and I used to be really shy. During the trip I had to climb rocks, walk across a really high rope tied to two trees and sleep on the bare ground (LARGE BUGS CRAWL ON THE BARE GROUND!!!) with a bunch of people I’ve never socialized with before. All of those people cheered me on when I was climbing the rocks and walking on that rope and I got through it. Not only did I get through it but I was really proud of myself at the end of it all. I thought that with the doula and my husband there to help me and cheer me on that I could get through labor without the drugs and when, not if, I do I’ll be really proud of myself for being so strong. Of course if I opt for drugs I’ll be able to get some rest during the labor or maybe even play some scrabble. I’ll bring my doula and scrabble so that I’m ready for either scenario.

I think that’s it for P News. Let’s move on…

House Hunting/Moving News

We found a house, we have signed a contract on that house, and our closing date is scheduled for September 1^st. YAY!!! I will officially be leaving the DC metro area on September 2^nd and moving up to CT with all of my pets. The best part is that I will be able to see my husband all the time rather than just weekends. I’ve only seen pictures of the house, I haven’t actually been there yet. My husband and my in-laws have been to the house and they all say it’s great. I trust them and the pictures look fine. Right now a bird’s nest would be fine as long as I can live with my husband again.

Bad News

My friend, Les, needs some love. She’s going through a hard time, to say the least. My heart is just breaking for her. ::hugs & kisses:: to you, Les.

No News, Just Thanks

I wanted to say thank you for all of your comments on my last blog and all of your support. It was a bad day and I was pretty upset. I’m really glad that there hasn’t been any pregnancy drama since then and hopefully there won’t be anymore in the future.

Where's the Heartbeat?

I had an appointment with Dr. P today. I peed in a cup, got weighed, and had my blood pressure taken. So far things looked good. Then the nurse brought me into a room and had me lay down so that we could listen to the baby with the doppler while waiting for Dr. P to come in. We listened for it, and listened for it, and listened for it… for at least 10 minutes we tried to find it. Nothing! I stared up at the ceiling, I didn’t even want to see her face just incase she was thinking something was wrong. I tried to tell myself “Sometimes it’s hard for them to find the baby with the doppler in the beginning, this doesn’t mean that something is wrong.” Finally the nurse stopped, she said that sometimes babies can hide when they’re still small. She told me not to get upset, Dr. P would be right in and she would find the baby with the doppler. I waited for about 5 or 10 more minutes trying to remain calm, wishing that Howie was there and not in NYC. Finally Dr. P came in and asked me to lie down again. She put the Doppler on my abdomen… nothing. She looked for another 10 minutes or so and found nothing. She wasn’t saying anything and I started to get upset. I asked her if this meant that there was definitely something wrong or could it still be ok? She said, very much like it didn’t matter, “Well, the worse case scenario would be that you had a miscarriage.” Like that wouldn’t be a big deal at all! She said it the same way you’d say “Oh, we’re out of milk”! I couldn’t believe it! She finished writing something in my chart, turned around and said, “There is one of two things happening. Either the baby is fine and we just can’t hear the heartbeat or you’re having a miscarriage. I’ll call the ultrasound office so that you can go over there right now.” WOW!! No shit! Either the baby is alive or it’s dead! I’m so glad that you went through medical school and now get paid hundreds of dollars an hour because I would not have come up with that on my own! Sorry, she just pisses me off. I can’t wait to move and find a new doctor. So, anyway, I grab my purse and we walk out. She calls the ultrasound office and tells them that I need to have an ultrasound because we can’t hear a fetal heart tone at 13 weeks, that she’d like someone to see me in 30 minutes. I’m sent right out the door. I called Howie, then I called a cab, then I called Howie back. He tried to reassure me that the baby would be ok, then he said he was sorry that he wasn’t there with me, then he went back to saying that things would be fine. I just wanted to get to the ultrasound office so that I could know for sure. The cab ride was awful, the driver was slow and although it felt like 100 degrees outside and his AC wasn’t working he decided to put the windows up because there was something outside that was bothering him. My mind went blank. It was taking so long to get there and I just didn’t want to have a breakdown with this asshat as a witness. I just shut down. Once I got to the ultrasound office I checked in and sat down in the corner by myself. My mind started racing again. What am I going to see in there? What are the chances that it’s not ok? Is it more likely that I’ll get bad news or good news? If it’s bad news then I’ll never feel the baby kick. I’ll never give birth and hear my baby’s first cry. I’ll never know what it looked like. I won’t ever get to kiss it and say “Hi, I’m your mommy”. I’ll never get to take one of those cute pictures of Howie and the baby asleep on the couch. Just as my eyes started to well up with tears someone’s 2 year old daughter ran right up to me and smiled. I quickly wiped my tears away and said “Hi” cheerfully. She waved at me and ran away. That was it, I was about to have a full blown breakdown right there in the waiting room which was full of pregnant women and children. That’s when they called my name. I jumped up and we headed down the hallway. She told me that she was going to do a vaginal ultrasound and then maybe a regular ultrasound. I’m thinking, I don’t give a damn what you do, just do it! As she started to insert the wand I started to think that maybe I shouldn't look because if the heart wasn’t beating I didn’t want to see it. Before I could look away there was my baby and its beautiful beating heart. She turned the sound up so I could hear it and I started to cry. My little baby was waving its arms around, kicking, jumping, turning, just having a good time. She told me that its heart is beating at 166 beats per minute, then she measured everything from its nose to its spine. All the pieces measured perfectly. I’ve never been more relieved in my life. I called Howie in tears when I left to let him know that the baby was ok. I could hear him breathe a big sigh of relief on the other end. I told him all about the baby, what it looked like, what it was doing, I told him that I cried when I found out that the baby was ok. He told me that he was crying too.

I have one more appointment with Dr. P in 4 weeks before I move up to CT. I still don’t know exactly when that will be, but we’re close to making a decision about which house we want to make an offer on, so hopefully I’ll be moving in another 5 or 6 weeks. I really miss living with my husband.

Ok, one more picture, even though you're all probably sick of looking at pictures of the baby.

Falling in Love

Today is the first day of my second trimester! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Well, to be honest, I’ll believe I made it this far after my next OB/GYN appointment where I believe we will be listening to the heartbeat. If there is still a heartbeat I will let myself relax a little bit. I imagine that things are still fine though, only because I still feel wonderfully sick. I used to be sick nearly 24 hours a day, completely unable to keep anything down, but my body has given me a bit of a break. I’m now sick from around 7:30 pm to 11:30 am. I’ve lost more weight being pregnant than I did on Weight Watchers. I weighed myself yesterday morning because I swore that I had finally gained some weight but instead I found that I had lost 8 lbs. in the past two weeks! I haven’t seen a number that low on the scale in two years. Now it pops up, now that I want to gain weight. Of course I panicked, because I was already worried about the other 7 lbs. I had lost since the beginning of the second month, but 8 lbs. in two weeks? That can’t be good. I’ve been eating, I eat as often and as much as I can, it’s just that I can’t eat too much. It’s like my stomach has shrunk, I get full so fast. I’ve tried to eat little snacks in between my breakfast at home, my second breakfast at work, lunch, my first dinner and then my second dinner right before bed. I eat even when I feel sick. I only eat a little bit at a time, but still, I guess I’m not eating enough. I called my mother and she told me that it’s ok, that a lot of women will lose weight in the first trimester. She reminded me that she only gained 4 lbs. when she was pregnant with me. That’s when I reminded her that she actually didn’t gain any weight because I was 6 lbs. 6 oz. and her doctor was awful because made her go to Overeaters Anonymous and told her that she was unbelievably fat at every appointment even though she really wasn’t. She still insisted that I was perfectly normal and not to worry. I’ll talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment to be sure.

Yesterday was the first day that I let myself imagine what my baby will be like. A few days before that I had just realized that this baby might be a real thing. It was a big “HOLY CRAP! I have a real baby in there… I think… and it’s a part of me and a part of Howie! OMG!!! Howie and I made a baby, a little person with a heartbeat and a head and arms and legs! It’s a person and it’s actually still growing inside of me… I think.” Up until this point I think I’ve been sort of disconnected. Of course it’s amazing to see the baby on the screen, to see and hear its heart beating, and yes, I fell in love with it the moment I saw it as a little blastocyst. It’s just that I haven’t really accepted that I’m in fact pregnant, that there might actually be a chance that Howie and I will come home with a little baby in 6 more months! It might actually, MAYBE, be ok for me to think of it as a real person, because it might actually become one! So, yesterday, for the first time I was imagining what our baby would be like, what it would look like, what mannerisms it would have that would remind us of each other. I fell in love with it all over again, no matter what it turns out like, I’m going to love it and I can’t wait to meet it. Then a few hours later the negative side of me started up. How could I let myself day dream like that? What if I go in for my appointment next week and there isn’t a heartbeat? What if I lose the baby? After getting a grip I realized that if I don’t relax I’m going to miss out on everything. What if the baby makes it and I never enjoyed this time? I’ve been waiting so long for this and I’m not even allowing myself to connect with my baby. I’m cheating myself out of the whole experience because I’m afraid of losing something I’m afraid to fall in love with, but really, I fell in love with this baby a long time ago. So I have to stop this.
So, part of my bonding is talking to the baby, because I read somewhere that the baby might be able to hear me now. It’s not like I have Howie around to talk to, so talk to the baby. I tell it about its daddy, that he misses it now that he’s away. We also talk about what we’re going to eat for dinner, what’s on TV, how I’m too tired to take a shower or brush my hair now that it’s drained all of the energy out of me. Before bed I blow it kisses and say goodnight. So far I think that my child thinks I’m boring and that I watch way too much trash TV. This isn’t a complaint, just a fact, I am so insanely tired lately. By the time I get home I barely have enough energy to make something to eat and shower before I crash. I don’t even want to comb my hair or put on my pajamas when I get out of the shower. I just flop down on my bed until I become so cold from the air conditioning that I force myself up to get dressed and blow dry my hair. I can’t wait to find a home so that Howie can take care of the cooking and cleaning and I can do my best to take care of my personal hygiene. I just wanted you all to know that I’ve been reading your blogs and sometimes I comment if I have the energy to form a sentence, but if I haven’t commented I’m still reading and thinking of you. I would be better about commenting on the weekends if I weren’t reuniting with my husband, cleaning and house hunting. As soon as we settle on a house I will have more time to relax and recharge on the weekend, and I promise as soon as that happens I will be commenting again.

Lonely

My husband started his new job in NYC a week ago. Howie is staying with his parents in NJ and I’m still working and living in VA until we find a home. Howie came back to see me on Friday night and left early this morning. It was so good to see him, but it was so hard to say goodbye again so soon. He woke up early and boarded a train for CT so that he could meet with our realtor. He saw a house that he seems to really like, so maybe we’ll be living together again soon. We’ll see.

I’ve been pretty bummed out all day. I really miss having him around. He’s my best friend. I knew right away when I met him 9 years ago that he was the one for me. Now I love him a thousand times more than I did then and I can’t imagine life without him. It’s not that I need him around to take care of me, I can take care of myself. It’s just that he’s my best friend, he’s my soul mate, and when we’re apart I miss having that companionship. He’s a great husband and he’s going to be an amazing father. He’s very sweet, caring and respectful. He tries very hard to understand what I’m feeling and always listens to what I have to say. He cares about our relationship, he doesn’t just give up when we’re having a hard time. I love him for all of these reasons, and more. I can’t wait until we find a home so that I can be with him again.

As for P news, Wednesday will be the last day of my first trimester. I can’t believe it. It still doesn’t seem real to me. Not that the symptoms aren’t there, but I don’t think it has actually clicked with me yet. My most recent craving is for oranges. I don’t just crave them though, I have orange envy is other people are eating them. I want to steal their oranges. It’s insane, it doesn’t matter if I just ate an orange, I still want one. My next OB/GYN appointment is July 27^th. That will be the last appointment I have with my doctor in VA. I contacted the hospital in the town that we plan to move to and asked for a list of OB/GYNs that deliver there. They not only emailed me a list of OB/GYNs, they also emailed me a list of pediatricians. Pediatricians! I didn’t even think of that! I’m still taking it one day at a time, still afraid that I’ll find blood every time I go to the bathroom. I’m actually worried to enter my second trimester because if the nausea disappears how will I know that I’m pregnant? Obviously I’ll start to gain more weight, but I’ve become comfortable with the nausea being my main indicator of how this pregnancy is going. As long as I’m sick I feel like things are going well. I’m going to have to learn to trust my body again, which is difficult after having been let down by it so much. I have to trust that things are going just fine in there and not need a weekly update to feel reassured, because I’m not going to have that anymore.

A Sigh of Relief

The ultrasound went well this morning. Little Nugget is bigger and is actually starting to look like a little person, or maybe it's just that the ultrasound machine they used today is better than the one at our fertility clinic. We also heard the heartbeat! It was amazing! It's now beating at 172 beats per minute, which she said was good. She saw a place in my uterus where I had some implantation bleeding. She told me that I needed to take it easy, no exercise, no speed walking, no sex (damn it!), and no heavy lifting. All I should be doing right now is relaxing. I think I can handle that. I'm so unbelievably tired that all I want to do right now is sleep. Unfortunately I need to go to work in just a little while.

Here are the pictures from the ultrasound:

Have I Just Been Accepted into the P Club?

I went to my first prenatal appointment with my OB yesterday. The nurse took my blood pressure, tapped my vein, and then asked me a few questions. When she finished asking me questions she gave me a folder full of information about breast feeding, birth classes, lactation consultants, preadmissions paper work, information about what will happen in the last six weeks of pregnancy and cord blood banking. Umm, thank you for all the info about the middle and end of my pregnancy. Oh, they also included two pregnancy magazines. The second package she handed me was for registering at Target??? I thought it was a little odd. The third package was full of coupons. I guess this is my welcome package from the pregnancy club. It felt strange. I don’t belong to that club, and I think I still kind of hate those bitches. It sort of feels like I’m one of those losers in school that isn’t a part of the popular crowd until I walk into school with the right pair of jeans on and then I’m suddenly they want me to be a part of their click. I still don’t think of myself as one of them because I don’t think I’ll ever really be like them. Of course I’ll be pregnant like the rest of them, but we won’t look at things the same way. Ok, I won’t get into that whole ugly thing because I’ll just end up sounding bitchy. I’m too tired to say things with tact right now.

Once I received my welcome package the nurse brought Howie and I into Dr. P’s office. She asked us some questions and then started to tell us what the end of the pregnancy would be like, where they deliver, all of this stuff that didn’t matter because we’re moving. So I interrupted her to remind her that we were moving. She had barely remembered seeing me two days earlier and only remembered when she looked at my chart. Howie asked if we could have an ultrasound and she said, “Oh, no, she was only bleeding because of the pap smear.” So I mentioned, as I had before the pap smear, that the bleeding had started Tuesday morning BEFORE my appointment. She repeated that it was just my cervix and that they couldn’t do an ultrasound because they don’t actually have an ultrasound machine in their office. She moved on from that like it was no big deal. Howie and I considered accepting that things were fine until we spoke to his father who was so pissed off that the doctor didn’t seem to care. He asked when we’d have an ultrasound and we told him that it probably wouldn’t be until after we moved because the doctor wasn’t going to send me for an ultrasound during my 12^th week visit. I think that’s when it sunk in for me, we really won’t have a clue if the baby is ok until some time in my second trimester. That really upset me, what if I just let it wait that long and I thought things were just fine just to go in and find out that the baby died. Howie called the doctor again this morning because I didn’t have any privacy in my office at all and Dr. P agreed to order an ultrasound for me next week. The ultrasound is now scheduled for next Thursday.

The bleeding stopped Tuesday night, I am still experiencing nausea, exhaustion, food cravings, and food aversions, so I’m hoping that is good news. I wanted to thank all of you for your comments and support after the loss of Small Fry and after my bleeding began on Tuesday. I really appreciate it. I’m still trying to catch up on my blog reading, Howie and I have been busy house hunting on the weekends and with doctor appointments during the week. I’ve been sleeping a lot too. This weekend we are headed to CT for house hunting and visiting with family. Luckily we will have access to high speed internet so I will have a chance to catch up on my reading.

Bleeding

I woke up yesterday morning to find that I was bleeding. At first the blood was brownish, and even though I know that sometimes happens in a perfectly healthy pregnancy I decided that I was going to stay home from work. Luckily I already had an appointment to see my OB for a pap smear later in the day. I wasn’t bleeding like I had my period, just when I wiped, but there was quite a bit of blood. Around 8:00 am the brownish color turned to bright red. That really had me worried, so I decided the best way to get through the next few hours was to just sleep.

Howie went to Dr. Google for some answers. He called to tell me that he found many sites that said it was normal. I told him that when I had my miscarriage they told me that light pink spotting was normal too, but it ended up being a miscarriage. Before I left to go to my OB I checked for blood and it looked like the bleeding had stopped. So I relaxed about it a bit and decided, maybe this was normal.

It was weird being at my OB’s office again. All the patients are pregnant and the staff wouldn’t know your name if they didn’t have your records in front of them. I wish that REs delivered babies too. Anyway, I told my OB, Dr. P, about the bleeding when she came in. She didn’t seem too concerned at first because I am taking Prometrium and one of the side effects is bleeding or spotting. Then she went in for the swab. Dr. P told me that as soon as she touched my cervix it started to bleed, and not just a little bit of blood, it was a lot of blood. She went on to say that she believes that it’s only external and that during pregnancy it’s normal for a woman’s cervix to become very sensitive and bleed. She said she was trying to clean it up a bit so that I wouldn’t get scared from seeing all of the blood. I was thinking that if a light brush up against my cervix would make it bleed that there wouldn’t really be a way to clean it up, that she was only going to cause more bleeding if she kept fussing with it. She kept talking about how much blood there was, but not to be worried, but holy shit, that’s a lot of blood! She had this worried look on her face and at one point she even held one of the blood drenched swabs to show me how much bright red blood was coming out of me. Yes, seeing all that blood really made me feel confident that things were perfectly fine! After going through a few dozen swabs she lubed up her hand and shoved it inside of me, I’m not sure what for. I wasn’t really focused on what she was doing as much as I was focused on how uncomfortable it was to have her hand up in there like that. She then pulled her hand out and threw away her blood covered glove. She said that she looked forward to seeing me for my first prenatal appointment on Thursday, handed me a pad and said congratulations.

Umm, so I don’t know what to think right now. She told me that it was all ok and that I shouldn’t worry, but the expression on her face and all the blood told me to worry. It seems totally reasonable to me that the bleeding is from my sensitive cervix and that it’s not from my baby, but is my cervix bleeding too much? She looked worried about something but she wasn’t saying anything, so what does that mean? I felt like she was just telling me things were fine to keep me calm, not because things were really fine. I guess I’ll ask her more questions at my appointment tomorrow. I’m curious to see what my first prenatal appointment at my OB’s office will include. Do I have another ultrasound? Or do they just weigh me and give me a pile of information about what to expect when you’re pregnant?

Bitter Sweet

Our week 8 ultrasound showed that Small Fry was no more. Doctor Sunshine looked for a heartbeat for a moment, but there was nothing. She hadn’t turned the screen so that I could see so I looked up at Howie and he just shook his head. She quickly showed me that the sac had shrunk a little bit and then quickly moved over to Little Nugget. My heart just sank.

Little Nugget has grown and looks healthy. Its little heart was beating 158 beats per minute. Doctor Sunshine said that was great. She took lots of pictures and we looked at it for a few minutes. She explained where its head was and that the dark space was its brain. It looks a little bigger than it did last time, but it still resembles a chicken nugget or a gummy bear.

I think that I probably appeared to be underwhelmed by my beautiful baby. That wasn’t it at all. I can’t explain how much I love Little Nugget and how amazing it is to watch its little heart beating. I’m so happy that I don’t have words for it, but it was all mixed with the unbelievable sadness I feel for our loss of Small Fry. I was in love with the both of them. Yes, we’re grateful for Little Nugget and we know that we’re lucky that we aren’t left with nothing like we were after my miscarriage. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel equally heartbroken as I was when I lost our first baby. I am happy that we have Little Nugget, but I don’t want to act like because we still have one that it’s ok that we lost Small Fry.

Doctor Sunshine gave us both a hug and said congratulations. We said goodbye to everyone on our way out. It was sad that it was our last appointment there. They’re all really wonderful people. Everyone knows your name and they all knew what was going on with my cycles and always had something comforting to say. I’m really going to miss them.

On the way home Howie told me that he felt sad about Small Fry too. Then he said that Small Fry had given everything to Little Nugget to make sure that it continued to grow to be healthy and strong. That made me cry. I t’s a nice way to look at it. I guess if I had to lose Small Fry its better that I lost him now rather than further down the road. I don’t want to miss out on the wonderful new things that I will experience with this pregnancy, I just wanted some time to mourn Small Fry.

Last weekend Howie and I told our parents that I’m pregnant. We gave them these little silver photo albums that can also stand up on a table or whatever. On the outside of the album it says “Grandkids”. The first picture in the album was the blastocysts photo, second was the ultrasound photo of Little Nugget and the third was the ultrasound of Small Fry. We gave the photo album to my parents on Friday. My father knew as soon as he saw it that I was pregnant. It took my mother a little longer. My sister had a baby two months ago and Howie and I weren’t going to do our first IVF until July, so my mother thought she was looking at old ultrasounds from my sister’s pregnancy. She couldn’t understand why we’d give her old ultrasound photos when they had plenty real photos of the baby. Then she got it and said, “So, you’re pregnant right now?” They were very excited. Later that night my mother gave me a bunch of crackers and her raspberry gingerale to help me with the nausea. When they got home from RI my mother showed the pictures to all of our family.


On Sunday we gave the same gift to Howie’s parents. They both knew that I was pregnant as soon as they saw it. They looked at the pictures, then looked at each other and kissed. It was cute. His father gave me a 5 minute hug. They’ve been through a lot in the past year. His mother had colon cancer, which she has since recovered from, and there have been other hard times in his family, plus my miscarriage in December. His mother said, “This has turned a very bad year into a very good year.” That was good to hear, it was nice to see them smile. As we were leaving his father said, “Howie’s going to be a father.” I think it really hit them at that moment, they looked a little teary. It felt so good to share our news with them.

Midnight Snack

It’s past midnight and I’m up eating apple sauce. It’s one of the few things I can keep down. I’m now 7 weeks 1 day pregnant. I’m sick as all hell, no matter how much I eat I’m ALWAYS starving, I’m exhausted, I have brain fog, my boobs hurt just a bit but my nipples are itchy???? I’m also really gassy and I pee about every 15 minutes. It’s fine though, I’m not complaining. The symptoms are like a security blanket, it makes me believe that things are going along just fine.

I have worried a bit about Small Fry. What if he did stop developing? Then I wonder, why would he? He was behind before but he attached and grew a yolk sac and fetal pole. That has to count for something, right? And Little Nugget was the only embryo so developed, the other five embryos were at the same stage as Small Fry. Technically that means Small Fry is average and Little Nugget is above average. Or does that mean that Little Nugget is average and Small Fry & Friends were below average? What if we get to our ultrasound on the 22^nd and Small Fry is no more? Should I have been more careful about getting attached? No, how could I not get attached, I saw him in there. Falling in love with him wasn’t a choice, it was involuntary. I just want to see his little heart beating at the next ultrasound.

Les and I ordered Chinese food with another co-worker today. I was feeling pretty sick when we sat down to eat. I had only eaten saltines and ginger ale because my stomach was feeling a bit iffy. I noticed my hands shaking when we began eating. Not good. The rest of the day I obsessed about how bad I was for not eating more. I know that I can’t keep it down, and just the thought of swallowing anything makes me want to vomit, but I could have tried to eat so much more! I started to think that because I’m not feeding the babies enough that I’m going to kill them. I’m so frustrated because I’m trying to do everything I’ve been told to do in order to combat the nausea, but it’s just not working. I’m trying desperately to figure out what else I can eat or ways to trick myself into keeping things down. Right now I know I can eat Chinese food, apple sauce, saltines (barely), ginger ale, toast (barely), and oatmeal. It’s not much, but I’m trying to do what I can with it. Chugging water from my water bottle yesterday almost made me vomit immediately. In order to stop myself from vomiting I begged my husband to distract me with a story, any story. He told me a story about being attacked by a duck when he was a child, and it worked. I know it’s silly to obsess and there are many women who can’t keep a thing down during their first trimester, but I’m freaking out because I’m sure that if I’m as hungry as I am that they are near death. That’s why I’m up right now. I realized that I was so hungry that I was getting a headache so I got up to eat some apple sauce, but what I really want is some Chinese food. I sort of want oatmeal but I’m too lazy to heat the water.

I just want to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open but for some reason I still can’t fall asleep. I was going to go to work early because I’m leaving early so that Howie and I can get to RI at a semi-reasonable time tomorrow… errr… tonight. I can’t wait to tell my parents that I’m pregnant. They’re going to be so surprised, I can’t wait to see their faces! I’ve been feeling so miserable this week and so many times I reached for the phone to call my mom and then remembered that she didn’t know yet. I can’t stand keeping the secret anymore. I sent my uncle his birthday card (we have the same birthday… Saturday) and I included the ultrasound pictures for him to share with my aunt and cousins. It feels weird telling people that I’m pregnant. It still doesn’t seem real, and I’m still afraid to let people know, but I know that as soon as my mother finds out that the whole world will know. I wanted my uncle, aunt and cousins to hear it from me. I sent it with his card because I didn’t want him to find out before my mother did.

I better finish my apple sauce, then go potty, and then return to bed… it’s pretty late!

Proof of Life

After all the worrying I did all day yesterday, all last night, and all morning, it turns out that things are just fine.

There are two babies. Both Babies A and B, more affectionately known as Little Nugget and Small Fry, have a fetal pole and yolk sac. Little Nugget is bigger than Small Fry, and we are assuming that Small Fry is our little slacker blastocyst.


Small Fry has always been a step or two behind, but we love him anyway. And yes, I said "he" and "him" because I just imagine that Small Fry will end up being like that little boy from Jerry Maguire. A small awkward child with big glasses, but so damn cute that you could just eat him up. So, that's why I say "he". Anyway, Small Fry does not have a visible heartbeat right now. Dr. Sunshine said that either he will stop developing or that he's just a little bit behind. I think he'll be ok, he may be slow but he is strong. I mean, he was behind before but he attached himself and grew a fetal pole and yolk sac. I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. Maybe we'll see a heartbeat at our next ultrasound on June 22nd.

Little Nugget did have a visible heartbeat today. The wand lady was measuring and explaining everything that we were looking at and then she pointed at this flicker and said, "That flicker is a heartbeat". A HEARTBEAT! We saw our baby's heart beating! It was surreal. Howie said that he shed a tear but I missed it because I had my eyes glued to the monitor. All I could say was "Awwww". I didn't cry, I didn't even think to because I was so focused on observing every little thing I could about the smudges on the screen that are my babies. I was facinated by them, so far that's what Howie and I look like all together in one person, well actually, two people. They are the most beautiful things that I've ever seen in my entire life.

Doctor Sunshine and Wand Lady left the room and Howie and I were alone. I was still in awe from the whole scan and Howie was happier than I'd ever seen him. He gave me a kiss and we looked at the photos. Once we were in the car everything started to hit me and I began to cry. I have totally fallen in love with them. I know that it's still very early, but this is further than I've ever been before, and I don't want to worry about the next hurdle right now. I probably should, it's something that I'm used to doing, but I just saw them and they look as good as I could have hoped. Like Les said to me the other day, bad things could happen at any stage in my pregnancy, there's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't matter if I worry or if I relax, if something happend to them my heart would break, the only difference is that if I relax I'll be able to enjoy them now. So, for now, I'm going to relax.

Rising Numbers

Howie and I have returned from our cruise. It was good, but I'm happy to be home. I had my second beta test this morning. According to Dr. Google my hCG level should have been somewhere between 5163 and 5427 today. When my nurse called with my results she was very excited, she said that my numbers really went up a lot. My hCG is 10,380 today! I will have my first ultrasound on Thursday.

We haven't told our parents that I'm pregnant yet. Last time we told our parents right away and then had to tell them that I was having a miscarriage after the third beta. I just can't imagine telling them so soon this time because it's too early to say it with excitment, and I want it to be a happy and exciting moment for us all when they find out. Even if the numbers are good, I need to SEE that everything is ok... at least for now. I know that a good ultrasound doesn't mean that I won't have a miscarriage, but at least I'll be further along than I was last time.

So this is the plan. On Father's Day weekend Howie and I will be in RI with my family for my brother's grad school graduation, my birthday and Father's Day. That Saturday we plan on giving my father the picture of the first ultrasound in a frame as his Father's Day gift. Then we're going to head to NJ early that Sunday (Father's Day) to meet Howie's parents for brunch. That's when we're going to give the same gift to Howie's father. We can't wait to see their faces. Let's just hope that the ultrasound goes well.

Before I Depart...

I just wanted to thank everyone who left messages to say congratulations. I'm heading off to board the cruise ship in a little bit so I may be out of touch for a while. I'll try to get online to read your blogs and to check in on MoMo and Sube. I'm looking forward to being on vacation, but I can't wait to get back and take the next two beta tests. I'll fill you in on the trip when I return next Saturday.

So Much Can Happen in One Hour

I'm sorry that I couldn't post earlier. Blogger was doing some weird stuff. Anyway...

My hCG level is 304!!! I can't believe it. It doesn't feel real yet. I'm so excited I could explode.

That's not all though, I have more good news. For the past year my husband has been searching for a job everywhere between NJ and MA. Right now we live 8 hours away from my family. Weekend visits don't really give you much time together. It's difficult to squeeze things in. I know that there are people that live further away from their families, but I grew up with my whole family living on the same street in our small town in CT. My sister just had a baby and when Howie and I have kids I want to be closer to them. Anyway, he had an interview today in NYC, and they offered him the job. He doesn't have his offer letter yet and nothing has been signed, but they know how much he wants to make and they still want him. So that seems pretty good.

It was a lot of good news to get in one hour. There's a lot to think about and we need to take things one-step at a time. Nothing is for sure right now, but it's the first time we've come close to having the things that we've wanted for so long. I just want to enjoy this feeling right now.

Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome

Symptoms of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom):

Abdominal bloating and feeling of fullness
Diarrhea
Weight gain
Urine is darker and amount is less
Skin/hair may feel dry
Thirst
Shortness of breath
Lower abdominal pain

OHSS always disappears in a few days unless a pregnancy occurs. In early pregnancy the problem may last weeks and require prolonged hospitalization.

Hmm......... I've only had these symptoms since Monday. I guess by the time I can say that I've had the symptoms for more than just a few days I'll have my beta test results. My symptoms are not severe, and I realize OHSS is nothing to hope for, but if I have to trade comfort for a baby (or babies) I'm more than happy to do that! I've probably jinxed it now. I'll get a negative on my beta and have to delete this horribly embarrassing entry when you all aren't looking. I'm really just experiencing Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome.

Friday Can't Come Soon Enough

Here I am. Waiting. Waiting for Friday. Friday is my first beta test. I'm testing three days early. On Saturday Howie and I will drive up to NJ where his parents live. On Sunday we drive to NY where we (the in-laws, Howie & I) will board a cruise ship headed for the Bahamas. That means that I will have just enough time to pull myself together if the news is bad. If I’m pregnant, well, that means I have to wait another week to take my second and third beta tests. That also means that I will be on edge not knowing if my hCG level is rising or dropping. If it’s going to happen it’ll happen, it doesn’t matter where I am or if I took a test. I’d just rather know. It’s something I’ve feared since my miscarriage. The happiness that would come from the first positive beta test will only last so long, my next worry is if I can get beyond the third beta without the numbers dropping. I know that things can still go wrong after the third beta, but I guess that’s my own personal hurdle because I’ve never been past that point.

I’ve already started to play head games with myself. Am I having good pregnancy cramps or is it just the red wave? Am I sleeping for 14 hours a day like I did when I was pregnant or is it just fatigue from PMS? Well, when I was pregnant it was just easier to dose off, but I my entire body didn’t feel fatigued like it does right before my period. I think it’s more like when I was pregnant for 3 days. No, that’s silly, how could I have pregnancy symptoms so early? It’s just the stupid drugs! I can’t be pregnant! Well, Dr. Sunshine said that she felt really good about this cycle, she thought the blastocysts looked strong. Why wouldn’t they attach? Because they don’t always stick! They probably didn’t stick! We’re probably going to have to do this again and Howie’s boss is going to be an ass. He’ll tell Howie that whatever time he needs off is fine, then he’ll get pissed because we can’t predict exactly when things are going to happen and he’ll accuse Howie of “springing” this on him. I think we’re starting to really get on his nerves. Fuck him, we want a baby! I don’t want to do this anymore! No, I don’t want to quit because I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant and know what it feels like to have a little person growing inside of me more than I want to quit. It’ll all be worth it in the end.

I guess I’ll just have to keep myself entertained and distracted until Friday. I’m going to forget about Friday and just look forward to little things, like TV shows! So, tonight I’m going to look forward to American Idol. On Wednesday I’ll be counting down the hours to the 2 hour finale of Lost! On Thursday it’s CSI: Las Vegas. Friday is a bit different. I need a daytime distraction. So, I’m saving all my filing for Friday. I should be filing for hours and hours on end. I plan to come in early so that I can leave early if the news is bad. If the news is good, well, I still get to leave early! Then I have another week of waiting on the cruise. I’ll have to keep myself completely busy doing something that is safe for delicate pregnant women so that I don’t have to think about beta tests two and three. Wish me luck!

Trying to Smile Through the Boredom

I'm REALLY bored at work, and I kinda hate my job right now. I considered writing an entry about why I hate my job even though I love the company I work for, but then I decided that it was all too boring. Just because I'm bored doesn't mean that I have to bore all of you to death. So, I decided to entertain myself with some infertility sniglets. You can read all of them if you go to the site, I just wanted to list my favorites:

Bladder Praying: praying that your bladder will fill up so that you can take an HPT - because it's day 29 and you KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE TEST RESULTS ARE GOING TO BE POSITIVE THIS TIME.

Briefectomy: furtive removal of all tight-fitting briefs from your husband's underwear drawer.

Clearpit Easy: bottomless pit into which women hurl buckets of money while repeatedly testing for pregnancy way too early or while testing for an LH surge.

Clomidbuddy: the invisible but very useful "nobody" who is TRULY responsible for all the awful things mistakenly attributed to a woman on Clomid. ("It wasn't ME who smashed those dishes onto the floor in Clomid-induced anger ... It was the Clomidbuddy.")

Coinus interruptus: the impact of infertility treatments on one's pocketbook.

Day-one-dering: wondering why oh why you have to deal with "day one", yet again!

Fanta-sizing: Dreaming what you would look like nine months pregnant.

Freeballing: the step beyond boxers taken by truly devoted husbands with low sperm count.

Hormonophobia: dread fear of saying the wrong thing to your wife when she is on fertility drugs.

Joe Pesci Syndrome: the overwhelming urge (which occurs around day 12 of a Metrodin/Humegon cycle) to attack someone rude with a pen, pencil, or whatever's handy.

Male sex drive: something constantly in motion, but shuts down completely from his wife's cycle days 10-16, because, after all, what's the use...

Miss Mannerism: the habit, when people ask you nosy questions about when you're going to get pregnant or make rude comments like "want my kids?" of looking a combination of shocked and puzzled and saying something like, "Why ever would you say such a thing?"

Multiple Dwarf Syndrome: a state caused by the ups and downs of fertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, etc; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves," such as horny, bitchy, barfy, crampy, etc.

Petri dish: a womb with a view

Preconceived notion: the idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two, three at the most.

Preggozone: the magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; the first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile womans fails a pregnancy test.

Pregsplotion: the sudden abundance of pregnant women in your vicinity within hours of your negative pregnancy test.

Prince Charming (or Hubble without a Choice): the name for a sweet husband who is infinitely patient and kind while you have Multiple Dwarf Syndrome.

Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome: a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.

Reverse Pharmacology: taking Birth Control Pills in the month before your IVF.

Totsicles: frozen embryos waiting to be transferred.

Transfurryence: treating your pets like human babies.

There you go! And I just got a call from my husband. He just spoke to Dr. Sunshine and she said there was 1 embryo to freeze and it's beautiful! Woohoo! I forgot to give the whole embryo count down on transfer day. They retrieved 13 eggs, 11 were mature, 6 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally (our little freak show embryo, we hope to donate that one to a circus), 6 went on to the blastocyst stage, 2 were transferred and 1 has been frozen. Dr. Sunshine is, as usual, very positive, very excited, very hopeful. Pffffff... you'd think we hired her to be the freaking cheerleader for my embryos. Ok, I know, it's good to be positive, I shouldn't be negative, my two maybe babies may feel the negativity and run.

My Kitty is a Genius!

This may seem like a semi-long pointless blog at first, but if you keep reading you'll realize that it does have a point. In my first blog posting I mentioned that I have a cat named Kirby. I've had him for about 10 years now. He's my big baby, and I treat him like a big baby. However, when it comes to scolding Kirby for bad behavior, it's pretty much Howie's job. When it's up to me I end up cuddling and kissing him because I'm a sucker for those big beautiful green eyes and his unusually long fangs. I know, so far my mommy track record isn't very good, but I swear that I am much better with human children. It's only my cat that has me wrapped around his paw. Ok, I'm a bit off track, let's get back on track. One thing that Howie often gets upset about is Kirby throwing up on the carpet. Not exactly that he threw up, but that he threw up on a surface that isn't easy to clean. He'll often yell at Kirby and tell him that he was bad, Kirby then looks at Howie likes he's an idiot, and then I defend Kirby, "It's not like he enjoys throwing up! He didn't mean to throw up on the rug, it just happens to be where he was standing at the time! He doesn't know any better, he's just a kitty!" I mean, Kirby isn't like Mr. Jinx from Meet the Parents. He hasn't had extensive training in anything... so we thought. Howie and I were heading to bed the other night and I found a little something on my side of the bed. I called Howie over and we both stared at this odd pile of tissues laying on the sheets. Howie began picking up tissues and there it was, VOMIT! Who covered it with tissues? It wasn't me, it wasn't Howie, that means it was the cat! Kirby actually took a number of tissues out of the tissue box and placed them on top of his vomit. Was he trying to hide his mess because he knows that daddy would be upset, or was he trying to help daddy with the clean up? Either way, we are so proud of our smart little kitty.

Meet Our Blastocysts

Meet our two little blastocysts! The doctor said that the one on the left is "absolutely perfect, just the way it should be" and the one on the right is still developing into a blastocyst. I don't want to make anyone feel less than perfect, so after the transfer I told my little almost blastocyst... embryocyst... that both of them are perfect to us. If it was possible to give them a kiss I'd do it now!

Howie and I are very happy, very hopeful. I couldn't stop looking at the picture all the way home. We are so in love with them already. I don't really know what else to say. I'm trying to stay calm and not get ahead of myself, we have another 2 weeks before we know anything. Right now I'm enjoying this part. I'm just happy to see what we've done so far.