I'm REALLY bored at work, and I kinda hate my job right now. I considered writing an entry about why I hate my job even though I love the company I work for, but then I decided that it was all too boring. Just because I'm bored doesn't mean that I have to bore all of you to death. So, I decided to entertain myself with some infertility sniglets. You can read all of them if you go to the site, I just wanted to list my favorites:
Bladder Praying: praying that your bladder will fill up so that you can take an HPT - because it's day 29 and you KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE TEST RESULTS ARE GOING TO BE POSITIVE THIS TIME.
Briefectomy: furtive removal of all tight-fitting briefs from your husband's underwear drawer.
Clearpit Easy: bottomless pit into which women hurl buckets of money while repeatedly testing for pregnancy way too early or while testing for an LH surge.
Clomidbuddy: the invisible but very useful "nobody" who is TRULY responsible for all the awful things mistakenly attributed to a woman on Clomid. ("It wasn't ME who smashed those dishes onto the floor in Clomid-induced anger ... It was the Clomidbuddy.")
Coinus interruptus: the impact of infertility treatments on one's pocketbook.
Day-one-dering: wondering why oh why you have to deal with "day one", yet again!
Fanta-sizing: Dreaming what you would look like nine months pregnant.
Freeballing: the step beyond boxers taken by truly devoted husbands with low sperm count.
Hormonophobia: dread fear of saying the wrong thing to your wife when she is on fertility drugs.
Joe Pesci Syndrome: the overwhelming urge (which occurs around day 12 of a Metrodin/Humegon cycle) to attack someone rude with a pen, pencil, or whatever's handy.
Male sex drive: something constantly in motion, but shuts down completely from his wife's cycle days 10-16, because, after all, what's the use...
Miss Mannerism: the habit, when people ask you nosy questions about when you're going to get pregnant or make rude comments like "want my kids?" of looking a combination of shocked and puzzled and saying something like, "Why ever would you say such a thing?"
Multiple Dwarf Syndrome: a state caused by the ups and downs of fertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, etc; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves," such as horny, bitchy, barfy, crampy, etc.
Petri dish: a womb with a view
Preconceived notion: the idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two, three at the most.
Preggozone: the magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; the first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile womans fails a pregnancy test.
Pregsplotion: the sudden abundance of pregnant women in your vicinity within hours of your negative pregnancy test.
Prince Charming (or Hubble without a Choice): the name for a sweet husband who is infinitely patient and kind while you have Multiple Dwarf Syndrome.
Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome: a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.
Reverse Pharmacology: taking Birth Control Pills in the month before your IVF.
Totsicles: frozen embryos waiting to be transferred.
Transfurryence: treating your pets like human babies.
There you go! And I just got a call from my husband. He just spoke to Dr. Sunshine and she said there was 1 embryo to freeze and it's beautiful! Woohoo! I forgot to give the whole embryo count down on transfer day. They retrieved 13 eggs, 11 were mature, 6 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally (our little freak show embryo, we hope to donate that one to a circus), 6 went on to the blastocyst stage, 2 were transferred and 1 has been frozen. Dr. Sunshine is, as usual, very positive, very excited, very hopeful. Pffffff... you'd think we hired her to be the freaking cheerleader for my embryos. Ok, I know, it's good to be positive, I shouldn't be negative, my two maybe babies may feel the negativity and run.