Thursday, June 15, 2006

Midnight Snack

It’s past midnight and I’m up eating apple sauce. It’s one of the few things I can keep down. I’m now 7 weeks 1 day pregnant. I’m sick as all hell, no matter how much I eat I’m ALWAYS starving, I’m exhausted, I have brain fog, my boobs hurt just a bit but my nipples are itchy???? I’m also really gassy and I pee about every 15 minutes. It’s fine though, I’m not complaining. The symptoms are like a security blanket, it makes me believe that things are going along just fine.

I have worried a bit about Small Fry. What if he did stop developing? Then I wonder, why would he? He was behind before but he attached and grew a yolk sac and fetal pole. That has to count for something, right? And Little Nugget was the only embryo so developed, the other five embryos were at the same stage as Small Fry. Technically that means Small Fry is average and Little Nugget is above average. Or does that mean that Little Nugget is average and Small Fry & Friends were below average? What if we get to our ultrasound on the 22nd and Small Fry is no more? Should I have been more careful about getting attached? No, how could I not get attached, I saw him in there. Falling in love with him wasn’t a choice, it was involuntary. I just want to see his little heart beating at the next ultrasound.

Les and I ordered Chinese food with another co-worker today. I was feeling pretty sick when we sat down to eat. I had only eaten saltines and ginger ale because my stomach was feeling a bit iffy. I noticed my hands shaking when we began eating. Not good. The rest of the day I obsessed about how bad I was for not eating more. I know that I can’t keep it down, and just the thought of swallowing anything makes me want to vomit, but I could have tried to eat so much more! I started to think that because I’m not feeding the babies enough that I’m going to kill them. I’m so frustrated because I’m trying to do everything I’ve been told to do in order to combat the nausea, but it’s just not working. I’m trying desperately to figure out what else I can eat or ways to trick myself into keeping things down. Right now I know I can eat Chinese food, apple sauce, saltines (barely), ginger ale, toast (barely), and oatmeal. It’s not much, but I’m trying to do what I can with it. Chugging water from my water bottle yesterday almost made me vomit immediately. In order to stop myself from vomiting I begged my husband to distract me with a story, any story. He told me a story about being attacked by a duck when he was a child, and it worked. I know it’s silly to obsess and there are many women who can’t keep a thing down during their first trimester, but I’m freaking out because I’m sure that if I’m as hungry as I am that they are near death. That’s why I’m up right now. I realized that I was so hungry that I was getting a headache so I got up to eat some apple sauce, but what I really want is some Chinese food. I sort of want oatmeal but I’m too lazy to heat the water.

I just want to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open but for some reason I still can’t fall asleep. I was going to go to work early because I’m leaving early so that Howie and I can get to RI at a semi-reasonable time tomorrow… errr… tonight. I can’t wait to tell my parents that I’m pregnant. They’re going to be so surprised, I can’t wait to see their faces! I’ve been feeling so miserable this week and so many times I reached for the phone to call my mom and then remembered that she didn’t know yet. I can’t stand keeping the secret anymore. I sent my uncle his birthday card (we have the same birthday… Saturday) and I included the ultrasound pictures for him to share with my aunt and cousins. It feels weird telling people that I’m pregnant. It still doesn’t seem real, and I’m still afraid to let people know, but I know that as soon as my mother finds out that the whole world will know. I wanted my uncle, aunt and cousins to hear it from me. I sent it with his card because I didn’t want him to find out before my mother did.

I better finish my apple sauce, then go potty, and then return to bed… it’s pretty late!


MoMo said...

I love the fact that you have symptoms--I know it is crazy, but once you get to this point, you want them. And don't worry about Small Fry--as you said he is just a little behind. I think he will be okay. Have a great time telling the family!

sube said...

Don't beat yourself up about what you're eating. Just do what you can. The babies will be fine. Have you talked to your doctor? Maybe he/she can give you something for the nausea. Have fun telling your family!

Sarah said...

I am glad to hear that you have lots of symptoms!! As miserable as you may feel, hopefully it is a sign that things are going well. Take care.

Paula said...

I am 6.5 month pregnant with twins after having troubles getting pregnant and I felt the exact same way you did at the beginning. sickeness, tiredness, inability to sleep worried about the babies etc. One of them was much smaller than the other but he finally caught up and is only 8% behind now. I was glad for the symptons, it was a reminder of what was happening. These weeks are the hardest but you will get though it. I know exactly what you are feeling and thinking, and for our situation, it is perfectly normal.

Thalia said...

sorry that you're feeling so sick, I hope you manage to find a way to keep eating.

Travel Chic said...

Hi just started reading your blog. I love it because I am so there too. I am due Jan 27th. I worry all the time. Ive had a previous m/c and cervix surgery where the doctors told me I had a slim to none chance. It sounds like you are doing all the right things you can. You will start feeling better soon...then the pounds will come! lol

Brenda said...

i miss you so much patticake that it pains me. I wish we were near eachother again... I want to be there for all your pregnancy woes and force you to eat!

love you sweetie.