Sunday, May 28, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
My hCG level is 304!!! I can't believe it. It doesn't feel real yet. I'm so excited I could explode.
That's not all though, I have more good news. For the past year my husband has been searching for a job everywhere between NJ and MA. Right now we live 8 hours away from my family. Weekend visits don't really give you much time together. It's difficult to squeeze things in. I know that there are people that live further away from their families, but I grew up with my whole family living on the same street in our small town in CT. My sister just had a baby and when Howie and I have kids I want to be closer to them. Anyway, he had an interview today in NYC, and they offered him the job. He doesn't have his offer letter yet and nothing has been signed, but they know how much he wants to make and they still want him. So that seems pretty good.
It was a lot of good news to get in one hour. There's a lot to think about and we need to take things one-step at a time. Nothing is for sure right now, but it's the first time we've come close to having the things that we've wanted for so long. I just want to enjoy this feeling right now.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Abdominal bloating and feeling of fullness
Urine is darker and amount is less
Skin/hair may feel dry
Shortness of breath
Lower abdominal pain
OHSS always disappears in a few days unless a pregnancy occurs. In early pregnancy the problem may last weeks and require prolonged hospitalization.
Hmm......... I've only had these symptoms since Monday. I guess by the time I can say that I've had the symptoms for more than just a few days I'll have my beta test results. My symptoms are not severe, and I realize OHSS is nothing to hope for, but if I have to trade comfort for a baby (or babies) I'm more than happy to do that! I've probably jinxed it now. I'll get a negative on my beta and have to delete this horribly embarrassing entry when you all aren't looking. I'm really just experiencing Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I’ve already started to play head games with myself. Am I having good pregnancy cramps or is it just the red wave? Am I sleeping for 14 hours a day like I did when I was pregnant or is it just fatigue from PMS? Well, when I was pregnant it was just easier to dose off, but I my entire body didn’t feel fatigued like it does right before my period. I think it’s more like when I was pregnant for 3 days. No, that’s silly, how could I have pregnancy symptoms so early? It’s just the stupid drugs! I can’t be pregnant! Well, Dr. Sunshine said that she felt really good about this cycle, she thought the blastocysts looked strong. Why wouldn’t they attach? Because they don’t always stick! They probably didn’t stick! We’re probably going to have to do this again and Howie’s boss is going to be an ass. He’ll tell Howie that whatever time he needs off is fine, then he’ll get pissed because we can’t predict exactly when things are going to happen and he’ll accuse Howie of “springing” this on him. I think we’re starting to really get on his nerves. Fuck him, we want a baby! I don’t want to do this anymore! No, I don’t want to quit because I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant and know what it feels like to have a little person growing inside of me more than I want to quit. It’ll all be worth it in the end.
I guess I’ll just have to keep myself entertained and distracted until Friday. I’m going to forget about Friday and just look forward to little things, like TV shows! So, tonight I’m going to look forward to American Idol. On Wednesday I’ll be counting down the hours to the 2 hour finale of Lost! On Thursday it’s CSI: Las Vegas. Friday is a bit different. I need a daytime distraction. So, I’m saving all my filing for Friday. I should be filing for hours and hours on end. I plan to come in early so that I can leave early if the news is bad. If the news is good, well, I still get to leave early! Then I have another week of waiting on the cruise. I’ll have to keep myself completely busy doing something that is safe for delicate pregnant women so that I don’t have to think about beta tests two and three. Wish me luck!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Bladder Praying: praying that your bladder will fill up so that you can take an HPT - because it's day 29 and you KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE TEST RESULTS ARE GOING TO BE POSITIVE THIS TIME.
Briefectomy: furtive removal of all tight-fitting briefs from your husband's underwear drawer.
Clearpit Easy: bottomless pit into which women hurl buckets of money while repeatedly testing for pregnancy way too early or while testing for an LH surge.
Clomidbuddy: the invisible but very useful "nobody" who is TRULY responsible for all the awful things mistakenly attributed to a woman on Clomid. ("It wasn't ME who smashed those dishes onto the floor in Clomid-induced anger ... It was the Clomidbuddy.")
Coinus interruptus: the impact of infertility treatments on one's pocketbook.
Day-one-dering: wondering why oh why you have to deal with "day one", yet again!
Fanta-sizing: Dreaming what you would look like nine months pregnant.
Freeballing: the step beyond boxers taken by truly devoted husbands with low sperm count.
Hormonophobia: dread fear of saying the wrong thing to your wife when she is on fertility drugs.
Joe Pesci Syndrome: the overwhelming urge (which occurs around day 12 of a Metrodin/Humegon cycle) to attack someone rude with a pen, pencil, or whatever's handy.
Male sex drive: something constantly in motion, but shuts down completely from his wife's cycle days 10-16, because, after all, what's the use...
Miss Mannerism: the habit, when people ask you nosy questions about when you're going to get pregnant or make rude comments like "want my kids?" of looking a combination of shocked and puzzled and saying something like, "Why ever would you say such a thing?"
Multiple Dwarf Syndrome: a state caused by the ups and downs of fertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, etc; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves," such as horny, bitchy, barfy, crampy, etc.
Petri dish: a womb with a view
Preconceived notion: the idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two, three at the most.
Preggozone: the magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; the first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile womans fails a pregnancy test.
Pregsplotion: the sudden abundance of pregnant women in your vicinity within hours of your negative pregnancy test.
Prince Charming (or Hubble without a Choice): the name for a sweet husband who is infinitely patient and kind while you have Multiple Dwarf Syndrome.
Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome: a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.
Reverse Pharmacology: taking Birth Control Pills in the month before your IVF.
Totsicles: frozen embryos waiting to be transferred.
Transfurryence: treating your pets like human babies.
There you go! And I just got a call from my husband. He just spoke to Dr. Sunshine and she said there was 1 embryo to freeze and it's beautiful! Woohoo! I forgot to give the whole embryo count down on transfer day. They retrieved 13 eggs, 11 were mature, 6 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally (our little freak show embryo, we hope to donate that one to a circus), 6 went on to the blastocyst stage, 2 were transferred and 1 has been frozen. Dr. Sunshine is, as usual, very positive, very excited, very hopeful. Pffffff... you'd think we hired her to be the freaking cheerleader for my embryos. Ok, I know, it's good to be positive, I shouldn't be negative, my two maybe babies may feel the negativity and run.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Meet our two little blastocysts! The doctor said that the one on the left is "absolutely perfect, just the way it should be" and the one on the right is still developing into a blastocyst. I don't want to make anyone feel less than perfect, so after the transfer I told my little almost blastocyst... embryocyst... that both of them are perfect to us. If it was possible to give them a kiss I'd do it now!
Howie and I are very happy, very hopeful. I couldn't stop looking at the picture all the way home. We are so in love with them already. I don't really know what else to say. I'm trying to stay calm and not get ahead of myself, we have another 2 weeks before we know anything. Right now I'm enjoying this part. I'm just happy to see what we've done so far.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
Dr. Sunshine had been making a big deal over my 30 developing follicles. She was talking about how they’d probably get this great number of eggs, not 30, but a good number out of me. Then many of them would turn into wonderful embryos, so many that we’d probably end up doing a day 5 blastocyst transfer. So, stupid me, I totally buy into this. I should know better than to get my hopes up, to expect something great to happen. Isn’t it better to hide away in the black pit of despair and suddenly be surprised by something wonderful… whenever something wonderful finally happens? Anyway, I fell a bit short of her expectations. Maybe what I got isn’t all that bad, I really don’t know. This is my first IVF cycle and it seems that I was overly optimistic. Now I’m let down.
Wednesday was retrieval day. They took out 13 eggs, 11 of which were mature enough to be fertilized. On Thursday morning there were 6 embryos. Today we still have 6 dividing embryos, and our transfer will be tomorrow, a day 3 transfer. I probably read too much about how wonderful blastocysts are because they can be more sure about the viability of a blastocyst vs. an embryo. Now I’m concerned that this isn’t going to work out because we failed to make it to day 5.
Ok, enough of that. Yes, it’s comfortable and safe in the black pit of despair, it’s the best place to vacation during fertility treatments. However, my husband is begging me to come out of there and be happy about our 6 embryos. I’ve taken all his joy away. So, I’m going to cheer up. There are 6 little Amy-Howie embryos, and I love them all. They’re little living pieces of us, so how can that be disappointing? I fell in love with the baby I lost in December and I didn’t stop loving it because it didn’t make it past 6 weeks. So how can I not love my 6 little petri dish babies? I need to get up in the morning and go in for my transfer, I need to have faith in my little embryos. Then we’ll all go home and take a nap on the couch together. Maybe they’ll cuddle up inside of me and think about sticking around for the next 9 months. Wish us luck!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Things I’ve been doing instead of posting another blog:
- Crying over a living bird mourning his dead bird friend in the road
- Shouting at my husband over things that I can’t even remember now
- More sleeping
- Playing Sims 2 for hours on end so that I can live vicariously through the fake Sim models of my husband and myself.
- Falling into deep coma sleep
- Crying over the fact that my husband didn’t want to watch Sleepless in
with me Seattle
- Refused to watch it with him after he finally agreed to watch it
- Happily watched Sleepless in
with my husband Seattle
- Did I mention that I slept?
- Frying my ass on my heating pad
My ovaries have been very busy. One follicle is way ahead of the others at 23 mm, the others are between 14 and 17 mm. Dr. Sunshine hopes that I will be ready for my trigger shot tomorrow night. I have another date with Mr. Happy Cam tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hopefully the other follicles will catch up.
I’m off to bed, I’m in desperate need of a nap.