Wednesday, April 16, 2008

More About My Dysfunctional Body

So, I called my ob/gyn, Dr. Hot Stuff to tell her that the birth control wasn't exactly working 100%. I also called Nurse Killjoy. Dr. Hot Stuff's nurse called to say that I need to talk to my fertility doc, Dr. Sunshine, about my blood-gushing uterus because they don't want to tell me to do something that Dr. Sunshine wouldn't agree with. I totally understand but I called her because she told me to call her if the Yaz doesn't stop my period. Nurse Killjoy didn't call back today but I assume it's because she's waiting to get a response back from Dr. Sunshine before she tells me what the plan is. No matter what the plan is I know it's going to have to include the new fertility doc up here (we'll call him Dr. Newby for now) because I'm going to his clinic for the monitoring. However, I'm not officially a patient of theirs yet so I can't just wander in there begging them to PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE take a look at my uterus with the dildo cam and then give me something to make the bleeding stop. I have no idea why I'd bleed for two months straight while on birth control. My mom is a nurse and she seems pretty concerned about that. I usually convince myself that I have some kind of cancer in these situations, since Dr. Google hasn't given me any indication that it could be cancer I'm starting to convince myself that I'll end up needing a hysterectomy. This is what happens when I'm left up to my own devices. I just need someone to fix me or calm me down. It would be nice if someone just shook me and gave me a good smack across the face. Anyway, I'm sure I'm crazy and that I'm fine, I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be at peace again. My acupuncturist... I really need another name for her. I can't think of one so I just used the Hobbit Name Generator and it gave me Ivy Knotwise. So, let's just go with Ivy. Anyway, Ivy gave me a nice hardcore treatment on Saturday and sent me home with a bottle of herbs in tea pill form. I take 24 of the tea pills a day. I don't know, maybe it's working. It did look like my period was slowing down a few hours ago but sometimes it does that at night. I don't know. Tomorrow I could be having early labor pain type cramps and bleeding heavily again. I wish I knew what to expect.

I'm still worrying about Frosty. I'm starting to think that we should just go into debt and try to get a loan to make some fresh embryos. We could take frosty and a fresh embryo and put both in. If we're going to pay for a transfer, the drugs, and the monitoring why not go all the way? I know it's more but just doing the FET is expensive for something that has a low probability of working. My feeling is that if we're going to put an ass load of money down on making a baby we might as well go all the way and give ourselves the best chance we can. The whole thing has my stomach in knots. I know I need to focus on not getting stressed out. Maybe I should start going back to yoga? They have yoga for all the infertile stressed out ladies at the clinic up here. They have acupuncture too but I'm already seeing Ivy and I'm kind of attached to her now. I need to just calm the hell down.... and get some sleep. On that note I should get going. Night night!

Monday, April 14, 2008

FET: 5.26.08

We heard from Nurse Killjoy today. It's looking like May 26th is the date for our FET. I so badly want Frosty to set up camp for the next 9 months. I LOVE being pregnant and I want this baby. Frosty is a fighter so lets hope for the best.

I don't know if my body will be ready though. I am still bleeding. WTF? It's not super heavy but it needs to stop already. I'm soooooooo tired and I'm soooo worried that it's not going to work. I'm going to try to see my acupuncturist twice a week so that maybe my body will properly behave. We're still trying to sort things out with the fertility clinic here so that I can go in for monitoring. It's really complicated and I'm worried that something will get screwed up. I'm really stressed about that, stressed about my period, stressed about pretty much the whole process. I just want things to be simplified. Last time things were no problem at all.

Anyway, I guess that's the only update since yesterday. I'll keep all y'all posted.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Thinking About the Process

So, I've had my period for TWO MONTHS!!! I've been on birth control for a month but it barely made a difference in the flow. When I got to the sugar pills at the end of the pack the bleeding got so bad that I was going through a super absorbent tampon and heavily bleeding onto one of those giant pads every hour. The cramps on Thursday night and all day on Friday were as painful as early labor. My doctor gave me some stronger birth control and then went to see my acupuncturist on Saturday morning. I'm still bleeding now but it's not quite as strong... at the moment.

I also spoke to my fertility nurse, formally known as Nurse Killjoy. She is scheduling my mock transfer and FET. She's going to call me back this week to give me the dates. With this insane period that stops for nothing I'm pretty worried about the transfer. Our insurance is completely useless so this ONE frozen embryo is all we have. I don't know if we're really going to have enough money to ever go through a fresh cycle again. We have to put our money towards buying a home in a town with better schools for Aislinn, eventually we're going to need a new car, and just saving money would be super awesome. Aislinn may want to go to college someday. Part of me has forgotten how unpredictable and how disappointing this process can be. Somewhere in my head I'm thinking it's a sure thing. I mean, I got pregnant with Aislinn so of course this embryo will stick, of course I'll see that little flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound, sure I'll safely make it to the second trimester and absolutely we'll have a healthy baby sometime early next year. I have to remind myself that we are lucky to have Aislinn. I can't just forget about the 3 failed IUIs and the two babies that we lost before we finally succeeded. The odds of this working out aren't great. I'm back to that place where I have to constantly remind myself of the difference in having faith that things will work out and just being stupidly overly optimistic. I hate the head games that I play with myself during the two week wait. If I am lucky enough to end up pregnant there is only a brief moment of happiness because I need to remind myself that I still have to take this one step at a time. That it's not as easy as getting one positive pregnancy test, I have to get three and then we have to be sure that there's a little heartbeat a couple of weeks later. The next hurdle is getting past the 12th week, and then the 20th. I so resent the fact that getting pregnant is such a process and that if and when I get pregnant the first half of it will be spent trying to keep the excitement in until I know for sure that the pregnancy is legit. I can't believe that some people out there have fun trying to get pregnant and some people get to feel like the positive sign on a pee stick actually equals a real live baby in 9 months. I should also remind myself that I'm still lucky/blessed that I have had the chance to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I'm lucky that I had any embryos left over for a FET and for now I guess I'm going to just try to have faith that this will result in a viable pregnancy and later a real living healthy baby. Just keep your fingers, toes, arms & legs crossed for us.