Friday, December 22, 2006

My Very Tiny Baby

On Monday I went to the endocrinologist to discuss my gestational diabetes. She looked at my diet records that show what I'm eating and my blood sugar levels. She said that my levels look so good that I can stop fasting for two hours between meals! Woohooooo! More food! I can also test just two times a day if I feel like it. Even better! Because I had lost weight on the low carb diet that she put me on she asked if I had been hungry. I wasn't too hungry at first, but you can all see from my last post that in the past couple of weeks I had been. I was sneaking in an extra meal at the end of the day before bed because I was just so freaking hungry! So, I told her yes, that fasting for two hours was too much so I was really happy that I didn't have to anymore. She said that she didn't want the diet to make me lose weight so if I'm hungry to just eat. Thank you!!!

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my OB/GYN, Dr. Talks-to-Much. She was pleased that my blood sugar levels were so good. We discussed my birth plan and she felt that pretty much all of it was fine. She even told me that if my water hadn't broken or hadn't been broken for too long and the waters were clear then I could stay at home until my contractions were 3 minutes apart since Howie and I live so close to the hospital. YAY!!! I was quite excited about that but the idea of waiting until they're 3 minutes apart makes Howie a bit nervous. We'll see how it goes. Before the appointment was over Dr. Talks-to-Much decided that we should move my ultrasound up so that we could see if Aislinn was growing too large because of my gestational diabetes. Luckily they had an opening for 1 pm on Thursday (yesterday). I took it and called Howie to let him know about the change so that he could talk to his boss.

Howie got the day off. We were quite excited about seeing the baby again and figured that since Aislinn measured just a little bit small last time that she probably wouldn't have grown too big from the gestational diabetes. The ultrasound tech did all the measurements and said that Aislinn was measuring small, quite small. I figured, ok, that's fine. That's so much better than a huge baby and I was glad that the gestational diabetes didn't hurt her. I told her that Howie was 6 lbs. 10 oz. and I was 7 lbs. 3 oz. at birth. Then she told us that Aislinn's legs and arms were measuring at about 30 weeks and her head and body were measuring at about 34 weeks. Huh? Tiny limbs? What the hell does that mean? She asked how tall Howie and I were a few times and she said that sometimes the baby gets different pieces of each parents so that it may not be a problem. Images of tiny chicken wing arms were whirling around my head and I'm just thinking of how I had huge Hobbit feet when I was little so I wonder if she'll have huge feet attached to her tiny legs. What else can I pass along? My buck teeth? My freckles? Maybe she'll have two different colored eyes like my father! Sure, I think that my father's two different colored eyes are super cool but he is very sensitive about people noticing them. Anyway, then the ultrasound tech told us that she weighs about 4 lbs. 9 oz. right now. She checked the computer and that puts Aislinn in the 15th percentile. She seemed a bit concerned but wasn't saying much because she can't, she's not the doctor. We left the office a bit concerned but I wasn't freaking out too much. I started to wonder if other things were slowly developing too, like her brain? It was lunch time and I decided, maybe a carb fest would help her grow. Maybe a trip to McDonalds? Maybe this low carb diet that made me lose weight wasn't helping her? On the way home we called our parents to tell them about the ultrasound. Howie's cell phone was pretty loud and I could hear his mother say that maybe the baby is small because I'm starving myself and now I can stop doing that. My mouth dropped open. What the fuck?! By the damn way, on Sunday we were at his parent's house for Chanukkah and except for a few veggies and a block of cheese there wasn't a thing there that wasn't LOADED with carbs. I had some veggies, water, and one potato pancake during the 5 hours we were there. Once people left they took out the brisket and let me eat. They did say sorry that their friends stayed so long and they had intended on feeding me earlier. So, who is she to say that I STARVE myself? I HAD NOTHING TO EAT!!! Anyway, it really hit me. I had been losing weight, yeah, I may eat 2 steaks at dinner, I may have been sneaking in an extra meal at the end of the day, but I couldn't gain weight. I lost 3 lbs. This could be because of my weight. It could be because I'm still not up to my pre-pregnancy weight. What if it's not just her legs and arms? What if her brain isn't developed enough? What is she has a learning disability because I lost weight even though I wasn't even trying to. I was eating as much as I could, but I was eating the way the doctor told me to eat. I thought I was doing the right thing for her, I thought that because I was eating healthfully that she would be a healthy baby. She hasn't been born yet but I'm already a horrible mother! By the time Howie had hung up with his mother I was in tears. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong, that she didn't know what she was talking about and just forget what she said. How can I forget that? It's my worst fear, any mother's worst fear, did I do something to harm my child? If she isn't right it's MY fault. We tried for two years to have a baby and I might have totally fucked her up? All I had to do was keep the baby alive inside of me, make her healthy, and I couldn't. I couldn't get pregnant and I couldn't grow a baby properly. Howie ended up talking to his mother and father about the comment and then it turned into an entire drama. Basically she said she never would imply that it was my fault. I didn't know that it had to be implied, she said it right out, but ok. His parents are upset because we should know that they would never think that we've done something to harm our child, that they love us and all of this stuff. Whatever, I know they love us, I know they love Aislinn, I just wanted an apology. I wanted her to say sorry for making an incredibly insensitive comment and that she will think before she speaks next time. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but what if someone said something like that to her? She'd be extremely hurt. Anyway, it's not about that anymore. Her pity party continues but I'm more concerned with Aislinn's health at the moment. A little after Howie and I got home after the ultrasound we got a call from the doctor's office. They scheduled an ultrasound for me at the hospital on the 27th because they are concerned about the baby being so small. I also have another appointment next week with one of the doctors to discuss the ultrasounds. So, I guess I'm pretty much seeing the doctors on a weekly basis starting now rather than in two weeks. I was bad and looked up info on babies that are small for gestational age (SGA babies). In some cases they end up totally normal, others have some retardation and some die. I'm trying to keep it together right now. I spoke to my mother and she pointed out that my dad has small arms and legs too, and he is totally normal. He doesn't even look oddly shaped to me. Maybe for a girl, but I'll take oddly shaped over retarded or dead. Then she asked me if I wear petite pants and I realize, duh, yes I do and even then the petite pants are sometimes still too long for me. So, I have freaky short legs and didn't even take notice. I don't know if my arms are short, I guess my mom only noticed that my dad's arms are short because she has to buy him shirts. Women's shirts don't have an arm length, but I guess that in general they are a bit long on me. So, perhaps Aislinn was just unfortunate enough to get tiny limbs from my gene pool. If that's the worst thing she gets we're in pretty good shape. As for her low weight, like we told the ultrasound tech, Howie was a pretty tiny baby, especially for a boy, and he's perfect. Well, I think he's perfect. So, right now I'm thinking that she's going to be fine, that it's just our genetics and thanks to that she'll be easy to push out. Right? She's going to be perfect, beautiful and smart. No matter what she's like I love her and nothing else matters.

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