Wednesday, January 24, 2007

No Baby Yet

Nope, no baby. Two days ago I lost a big glob of goo which I assume was my mucus plug and that the blood that I had a week or so back was not exactly a mucus plug but still called bloody show, I don't know. I thought it was all the same thing but whatever. As long as they are signs that she's aware that she needs to vacate at some point soon that's just fine. Braxton Hicks? They are really starting to fucking hurt now. They will be coming along consistently for an hour or two and then just flat out stop. A couple of days ago I fell asleep on the couch, and when I say sleep I mean coma sleep where almost nothing can wake you up, and I began having some really hardcore contractions that would wake me up but I was still too tired to look at the clock and time them. I'd fall right back to sleep. Finally I did wake up after one of them hurt like a wicked bitch and that's when I freaked out that maybe the contractions had become closer together and more intense and I was pissed at myself for being so tired I that I didn't wake up to pay any attention to what was going on when they began. So, I called Howie to tell him that I think the contractions were possibly maybe realish because they REALLY hurt even when I changed positions and started to walk around. I started to time them, they were about 10 minutes apart for almost an hour and then they stopped. It was a good fire drill but certainly wasn't the real thing.

Howie and I are doing what we can to move things along. We've had sex, which resulted in Aislinn getting into a really uncomfortable position where she was putting pressure on a nerve that sent this awful shooting pain right down through to my urethra. So, Plan B is to just do that thing that you do when you're alone... or with your man, however you like to do that. Just no sex! Usually that just causes one massive contraction and nothing else, but I'll keep trying. At least it's fun. A couple of times I've had some strong coffee, I guess it's possible that the caffeine could cause labor, but so far I think it has only changed her sleeping pattern. If I weren't so damn tired almost 85% of the day then I'd probably walk from here to FL trying to induce labor, but everything I read says that being really tired is normal and to just sleep as much as possible right now because if I were to go into labor I'd need my energy. That's no joke because after some of the hardcore contractions I've had I've felt super tired. It wears you out! I've been rolling around on my birthing ball hoping that it will help me dilate. My next plan is garlic! People say that spicy food sometimes works, another old wives tale, and I know that garlic isn't the spiciest food in the world but it gets her moving when I do eat it and with the amount of acid reflux that I have been experiencing I don't think I could handle any Mexican food. My doula suggested that we make plans for her due date because babies tend to come when you have something you need to do and if she doesn't come at least we are doing something fun with our night rather than sitting at home obsessing about how she's due and still not here. The 31st is not only her due date but PAY DAY!!! So, Howie and I will head over to The Melting Pot and have some VERY GARLICKY cheese fondue, and then of course the rest of the super fabulous Melting Pot meal. Mmmmmmm! I also have a coupon for free chocolate fondue, which I am REALLY looking forward to. If the garlic doesn't get labor started (which it probably won't) I will spend all of the next morning before heading of to the doctor running up and down the stairs, maybe take a brisk walk around the complex. I don't know that any of this is going to work. It probably won't, she's going to come when she wants to come.

Here's the issue, and it shouldn't be an issue but it is. My brother is coming to visit from February 1st to the 5th. On the 5th he flies back to VA and then the military is sending him away for 2 1/2 years on the 7th. He's not going to be in a seriously dangerous location or doing anything seriously dangerous, so it's not that I'm so much worried about him never coming home just that he won't be back for 2 1/2 years. I love my brother, I do, because he's my brother and once upon a time we were really close. Now, well, he thinks we're close because I give him less shit than our sister does. See, my brother is the Prodigal Son. He wasn't always a self centered jerk, well, it wasn't always this bad and I guess that he is this bad because my mother has made him the Prodigal Son. I don't want to lay it all on her because I love her and I know that she loves all of us, I think that she just makes a huge deal about him because he's so distant (emotionally and physically) and now he's turned into this jackass! Here's some background on the situation. Every year my mom writes this Christmas letter to everyone she knows to update them on the family. The letter is pretty much all about my brother, we'll just call him PS for Prodigal Son. In the letter she'll go on and on about all of PS's yearly achievements and the few times that my sister, S, and I are mentioned it's tied in with a PS statement. For example one year I was mentioned twice. Once because PS bought me a t-shirt while away in another country, and then again because I went to visit him in DC during the summer. By the way, I wasn't visiting DC to see PS that summer, I wanted to visit because Howie was his roomie and I hadn't seen Howie in a year! My sister was only mentioned once because she received a t-shirt but didn't visit him in DC. That year my sister became the director for this private school and it was a big deal for her, but my mother forgot about that. Everyone ALWAYS travels to DC for every single event in my brother's life, but when my sister gave birth to our niece he couldn't take time off to see her. I was in the middle of an IVF cycle and begged my doctor to let me leave for 48 hours without any monitoring so that I could see my niece, my brother wasn't doing anything, he just didn't want to use any leave. He has plenty of leave by the way. Two months after our niece, J, was born my brother was receiving his masters and his graduation was in RI. He was given about 4 or 5 days of leave, he could have made the hour and a half trip from RI to CT to see J, but instead he wanted S to bring J to RI because he didn't want to waste his time driving to and from CT. If she hadn't brought J to RI he wouldn't have seen her until he came to visit right at the end of December. She's about 9 months old and he's only seen her twice. In the past 9 months family has gone out of their way to visit him for various events he feels are important about 4 or 5 times. When he was here at the end of December and beginning of January he stayed at my house for two nights. Howie and I drove up to Northern CT to have dinner with the whole family and bring my brother back to our house. So, the first night we got home kind of late, about 10:00 pm. PS and his girlfriend, JB, were planning on heading to NYC early the next morning. JB went to bed almost right away and PS stayed up until about 1:00 or 2:00 am playing some stupid computer game. He wanted me to get up at 7:00 am to wake them up, which I did. JB got up right away to shower and get dressed. JB didn't roll out of bed until 10:00 am, then showered and got dressed. Howie and I were planning on taking them out for Mexican food, their favorite food, that night because it was the ONLY night we were all going to be able to go out alone together. When Howie and I dropped them off at the train my brother made a comment that he was thinking of doing this and that so they would probably not be back until 8:30 or 9:00 pm. Howie was a kind of irritated by this and said that he didn't want to eat that late and didn't want me to eat that late either. Honestly, I could have had two dinners, I normally do anyway, but it was just that my brother was thinking of himself rather than others that pissed Howie off. So, JB said no, that they would be back around 6:30 or 7:00 pm like they had planned. PS said "well, we'll see" and got out of the car. Around 5:00 pm my brother called to bitch about how he and JB had been fighting all day about the time they were coming back and that he's pissed off that he has to leave NYC before he's ready to because JB said that he was being inconsiderate of others. He said that this is the last time he'll be able to go to NYC for 2 1/2 years and he doesn't want to hear anyone tell him that he's being selfish again for the rest of his trip. This just pissed me off and it kind of hurt me to hear that. He was more upset about the fact that he wasn't going to see NYC for 2 1/2 years than the fact that if he didn't come home for dinner it would be the last time he can sit down for dinner with Howie and I for the next 2 1/2 years. Why does NYC rank higher than me? So I told him never mind, just stay in NYC, eating dinner together wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to eat dinner with him anymore if it pisses him off so much to eat with me. He said that he couldn't stay in NYC because JB had given him so much shit that he was just sick of being there. So it was already ruined for him. When we went out for dinner I think Howie and I were the only ones really talking. It wasn't worth it. Before he left to go back to VA he was 100% different. He was being all wishy washy about how this could be the last time he sees me before I become a mother. He came back to give me a hug twice before he left and even kissed my belly to say goodbye to the baby. WTF is that? He's been calling me every day to see how I am and trying to be all sweet to me, but honestly, I know that he's just hoping that I have the baby before he leaves. Not so that he can see her but because he has bought a ticket to visit from February 1st to the 5th, because my mom is worried that he won't see the baby before he goes. Maybe a piece of him really truly does want to see my baby. I'd like to believe that he cares because he and I were really close when we were younger and he used to be a really loving and protective big brother. I just don't know which person I'm dealing with anymore. I do know that regardless of how he feels about me I still love him and maybe that's because I still remember the old PS. So, the issue is, do I ask the doctor when I see her on Friday how long they'll let me go before they want to induce labor, and if she says January 6th do I ask if they could induce earlier so that my brother can see the baby? This is the guy that puts NYC before me. I really wanted my birth to happen with as little medical intervention as possible, and if I'm induced that may not happen. It could, maybe not, but could change the type of birth I end up having. Plus, I kind of want Aislinn to decide when her birthday is, not my brother. Even if my brother wasn't going away for 2 1/2 years, how often would he come and see her anyway? She might see him about 4 times, maybe 3, in that time if he was in the US. Plus, I can just see the stupid Christmas letter now, "Amy had labor induced so that PS could see Aislinn before he went away for 2 1/2 years"! My daughter's birth will be announced in the letter because of my brother! I HATE the thought of that. However, if the doctor is going to induce me close to the date that he'd be flying out and I'd give birth to her a day later then it is kind of silly that we held off one day just because my brother is a self centered jerk. I just hate the thought of inducing labor for my brother because the whole world revolves around him. I mean, my sister held off on dedicating her daughter to the church for nearly 9 months because that was when my brother would be in town, because he wouldn't have come in just for that. I almost want to wait one more day so that the induction is done because my doctor says it's time and not so that it's good timing for my brother. It's not like he'll never see her, he'll see her when she's 2 1/2 years old, or 3, whenever he gets around to seeing her after he returns. Even if he sees her when she's a day old, she's not going to remember him any better when she finally does see him again. I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I want. Any thoughts?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You do what is best for your body and baby. This is the time for you to be selfish.

electriclady said...

That's a tough one...I would ask your doctor how long they'll let you go before inducing (because that's good information to have anyway), and then make the decision based on medical factors ONLY. You said you'd like to have as little medical intervention as possible, and of course you know that induction carries its own risks. If you induce early JUST for your brother's sake, and end up having a birth experience you're not happy with, you'll resent him for it forever. (That's as opposed to inducing based on medical reasons only--if you end up with a birth experience you're not happy with, at least you won't hold it against anyone.) Also, just because you induce on, say, the 4th, doesn't guarantee the baby will be born before your brother leaves.

That's just my take. In the end, whatever you decide to do will be the right decision. And let's hope the whole question is moot and you go into labor all on your own!

soralis said...

You need to do what's best for you... leave the brother out of the equation, sounds like he gets enough attention anyway!

Good luck

D.K. said...

Definately don't get an induction because of your brother.

Isabel said...

A difficult decision. I say ask your doctor if it makes a big difference and if it doesn't, ask yourself if you're willing to do this for your brother. How would you feel if you induced and he wasn't there for some reason? If you can give this 'gift' to him without expectations then it might make you feel better to do so.

MoMo said...

Hang in there Amy...I know this is a very difficult situation but you have to do what is best for you. We were having the same issues because S was going to start commuting to NYC, but Benjamin decided to make an early appearance. I hope you go into labor very soon and you finaly get the chance to meet your little girl! Thinking of you!