Here I am. Waiting. Waiting for Friday. Friday is my first beta test. I'm testing three days early. On Saturday Howie and I will drive up to NJ where his parents live. On Sunday we drive to NY where we (the in-laws, Howie & I) will board a cruise ship headed for the Bahamas. That means that I will have just enough time to pull myself together if the news is bad. If I’m pregnant, well, that means I have to wait another week to take my second and third beta tests. That also means that I will be on edge not knowing if my hCG level is rising or dropping. If it’s going to happen it’ll happen, it doesn’t matter where I am or if I took a test. I’d just rather know. It’s something I’ve feared since my miscarriage. The happiness that would come from the first positive beta test will only last so long, my next worry is if I can get beyond the third beta without the numbers dropping. I know that things can still go wrong after the third beta, but I guess that’s my own personal hurdle because I’ve never been past that point.
I’ve already started to play head games with myself. Am I having good pregnancy cramps or is it just the red wave? Am I sleeping for 14 hours a day like I did when I was pregnant or is it just fatigue from PMS? Well, when I was pregnant it was just easier to dose off, but I my entire body didn’t feel fatigued like it does right before my period. I think it’s more like when I was pregnant for 3 days. No, that’s silly, how could I have pregnancy symptoms so early? It’s just the stupid drugs! I can’t be pregnant! Well, Dr. Sunshine said that she felt really good about this cycle, she thought the blastocysts looked strong. Why wouldn’t they attach? Because they don’t always stick! They probably didn’t stick! We’re probably going to have to do this again and Howie’s boss is going to be an ass. He’ll tell Howie that whatever time he needs off is fine, then he’ll get pissed because we can’t predict exactly when things are going to happen and he’ll accuse Howie of “springing” this on him. I think we’re starting to really get on his nerves. Fuck him, we want a baby! I don’t want to do this anymore! No, I don’t want to quit because I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant and know what it feels like to have a little person growing inside of me more than I want to quit. It’ll all be worth it in the end.
I guess I’ll just have to keep myself entertained and distracted until Friday. I’m going to forget about Friday and just look forward to little things, like TV shows! So, tonight I’m going to look forward to American Idol. On Wednesday I’ll be counting down the hours to the 2 hour finale of Lost! On Thursday it’s CSI: Las Vegas. Friday is a bit different. I need a daytime distraction. So, I’m saving all my filing for Friday. I should be filing for hours and hours on end. I plan to come in early so that I can leave early if the news is bad. If the news is good, well, I still get to leave early! Then I have another week of waiting on the cruise. I’ll have to keep myself completely busy doing something that is safe for delicate pregnant women so that I don’t have to think about beta tests two and three. Wish me luck!