Ok... I'm a little upset and I can't leave just yet so I'm writing. I'm bleeding. Red blood. Bleeding. Not gushing awful pouring blood, but bleeding red blood none the less. I called the doctor and she wants me to come in now but I'm waiting for our neighbor who has the car at his shop to bring the car to me so that I can go. Howie is coming home from work as we speak and we'll see what happens. She was kicking this morning, a lot, I think she's ok. I'm just feeling crazy right now and I'm probably not making sense at all because I'm upset. Sorry. To everyone who reads this who knows me in real life, I'm sorry that I'm not calling you right now but I just can't talk on the phone. I can't and I don't want to. I'm upset but I don't want to hear people tell me "it's ok, it's ok" or "OMG" or anything. I'm sorry if you're reading this and this is how you find out but I will call you later with an update.
I went to the OB/GYN office and Dr. Hot Stuff decided to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound. They don't have an opening until 12:45 pm so I am back at home. She told me to stay off my feet, relax, and to drink lots of water. I've convinced myself that Little Nugget/Tiny Dancer/Thumper/Little Monster (pick a term of endearment) will be fine. Alright, that's a lie. I want to believe that she's fine but I don't know. Honestly this is one of my worst fears in the 7th month. In the 7th month of my mother's first pregnancy she was bleeding a little bit. She went to the hospital and the doctor told her that she was fine. He sent her home and put her on bed rest. It turns out that she had a very bad case of preeclampsia and should never have been sent home. It was Memorial Day weekend and my father's cousin and his wife (who they were living with at the time) were having a Memorial Day picnic. My father brought a plate of food upstairs for my mother and found her in a coma. The day before the picnic (which was the day after the doctor had sent her home) the baby had died. At the hospital they induced labor and delivered a still born baby girl. My mother was still in a coma. My father and their family and friends burried the baby. A few days later my mother woke up from her coma, still thinking that she was pregnant, and they told her what had happened. She looked down at her belly and completely fell apart. This has been a major fear and I almost mentioned it in yesterday's post but decided against it. Now here I am... bleeding.
I don't want to completely fall apart. She's still kicking, which is great. I know that she's still alive so even if things aren't ok she's still alive and although I'd prefer to keep her in there for the next three months IF they had to deliver her now she's still alive rather than dead. I am worried though because I know that her brain is now developing ridges and I have no idea what would happen if she was delivered now. Her lungs are still developing and... oh hell, nothing is done developing. I have 12 more weeks to go! How bad is it? I know that she could survive outside of my body right now but would SHE really be ok? What would the quality of her life be? Eventually I'd be sent home from the hospital and I'd have to leave her there.
The least important thing at this time is that I'd miss my baby shower which is next weekend. Whatever. Believe me I am really excited for my baby shower. I just want to have a normal pregnancy like normal pregnant women. I want to have a baby shower, I want to decorate the baby's room, I want to give birth naturally if I so choose. I celebrated with family and friends at my sister's shower after a failed IUI, I want to celebrate with them at MY baby shower. However, I'd prefer to actually have a real live healthy baby of my own, so if I don't have a baby shower I don't have a baby shower. It won't be the end of the world. I just want her to be ok, that's the most important thing.
Ok, it's almost time to go to the hospital. Keep your fingers crossed.