Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Seven Weeks

Aislinn has been sleeping in her crib for almost a week now. She looks so tiny in her big crib. She's doing well sleeping in her own room. This morning she was crying a bit. When I went in to get her and unwrapped her from the blanket she was swaddled in she seemed to calm down. I think she was a little to warm. I changed her diaper and put her back in her crib to wash my hands. When I came back in she was kind of looking around smiling. I turned her little lamb mobile on. She watched it and kind of "talked" to herself and the lambs for another half hour. She's getting to be a little better at entertaining herself which is nice. Believe me, I love to hold her and play with her but sometimes I have things I have to do, like work. I start working again on Monday. We can't afford daycare so I have to work and take care of her. I'm kind of worried about it because I feel like I won't be able to give the time that I should be giving to both Aislinn and my job. I kind of think that daycare would be good for her, socializing with other kids and stuff. On the other hand I might miss when she does something new for the first time. The thought of missing that breaks my heart. That's selfish though. It doesn't matter, like I said, we can't afford daycare. We will be able to afford Mommy & Me Yoga and hopefully My Little Gym or something. Plus, she has a whole lot of cousins just 1 hour and 45 minutes away. One first cousin and a ton of second cousins. Once she is a little less delicate she'll be able to play with all of them.

As I had mentioned in a previous post, Aislinn's mikvah (Jewish ritual bath) was scheduled for Monday but the Cantor got her days mixed up. We had to go back on Tuesday to get it done. Before going in we asked the Cantor if I had to completely submerge Aislinn and she said that I should. I didn't really want to do it but I figured that if I just dunked her really fast maybe it wouldn't be too bad. The water was so nice and warm. I think I could have floated around in there all day. One thing that I thought was really weird was that it was really hard to keep my feet on the bottom of the pool, even when I was walking in on the stairs. I didn't taste it, but maybe it was salt water. REALLY salty water. Like the Red Sea. Because Aislinn and I were so buoyant in the water it was really hard to dunk her. I almost had to pull her under and I couldn't do it quickly so she opened her mouth as the water started to run over her face and swallowed it. I quickly pulled her up and she started coughing. I felt awful! I almost cried. I looked up at Howie and the Cantor and I think it was understood that I wasn't going to put her under the water so a half a dunk would just have to do. The cantor said two more prayers and I half dunked her two more times and that was it. Now she's Jewish!

One new cool thing Aislinn has been doing for the past couple of days is smiling when she sees Howie or me. The other day she woke up in her swing crying. When I went to get her out she stopped crying and this huge smile came over her face. It was adorable. She did it for Howie too. She's doing it all the time now and I love it. It's awesome to see her respond to us that way. Now we know that she recognizes us and that she's happy to see us. She knows that we're the people that love her and take care of her. I just makes me melt when she smiles at me. Ok! Everything she does makes me melt. I can't believe that you can love someone this much. I think my heart might just explode and that I couldn't love her more but everyday I do love her more than the last. Even when I feel like she's trying my patience I get caught up in her sweetness. I also think that she might think I'm goofy, I don't know, but she seems to be humored when I sing (badly!) to her while changing her diapers. This is something I only do when I'm alone with her because I don't have a good singing voice. I used to sing to my cat when we were alone. I'd make up new words adding "cat" and "Kirby"in here and there so that it was personalized just for him. I think he likes it too. Now I do that for her. I'm such a dork.

So, the real reason I'm blogging now is to distract myself. I feel like I used to when waiting for my fertility nurse to call with my test results. Right now I'm waiting for my doctor to call. My follow up appointment is on March 28th, no different than it was the last time I blogged about this. I had decided to stop thinking and obsessing over the thing in my uterus because if it was urgent then the doctor would have talked to me herself or I assume would have told the nurse that she wanted to see me ASAP. Perhaps something was not communicated properly between Dr. Hot Stuff, the nurse and me. I'm not sure, but yesterday I missed a call from Dr. Hot Stuff. I was so pissed that I missed the call. She called herself, not the nurse, and said that she was calling to discuss my ultrasound and to give her a call back. I called her back as soon as I got the message but I'm forced to leave a message for the stupid nurse who then passes my message along to Dr. Hot Stuff. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I know that the stupid nurse doesn't check the messages until 4:00 pm and then who knows if the doctor will call you back. I didn't get a call yesterday so I'm hoping to get one today. I'm not going to call again because what is the point? If I don't get a call back today then I'll just wait to see her on the 28th. The problem is that I'm obsessing about the ultrasound again because now she's is calling me herself a week later. Maybe she did want to see me sooner and the nurse didn't convey that message. I will update you when and if I get a call. I'm sure it's nothing, but I'm driving myself crazy. It's all my fault for consulting Dr. Google. I barely got any sleep last night thinking about endometrial cancer. I'm nuts. I'm just driving myself crazy. I'm sure it's nothing, maybe just a polyp? I guess it's something because something is there, but it's probably nothing fatal. Ok, I'm going to just end the post now because I'm just having a meltdown right here on my site. I'll keep you updated! In the meantime, look at this goofy smile!

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